Black Girls Are Easy

Her: My ex was virtually homeless, worked 12 hours a week at a job a 16-year-old could do, and I still had his back. After 19 months he told me that it wasn’t going to work. Can you please write about how men don’t know the value of a good woman until it’s too late because now he’s starting to hit me back up?

Me (a week later): Did you ever respond to this ex?

Her: Never mind. We’re taking it slow and seeing how it goes.

Me: If you have so much value then why are you back with a homeless dude?

Her: *ignores DM*

Are women forced to date bums, losers, and various other struggle men due to a real lack of options, is it a case of these men selling themselves as more than what they really are, or is what can a man bring to the table not a prerequisite for your love? In your own life, are you checking to see if a man has a pot to piss in before you date him seriously or is money, success, and all that jazz not as important as a man’s heart? Money isn’t everything, fact. A poor guy can treat you just as bad as a rich guy, but if you’re going to go through the growing pains of a relationship why would you want it to be with a man that doesn’t bring anything to your life other than dick and conspiracy theories?

The majority of relationship problems stem from finances. No matter if you’re a woman with a little or a lot, the odds are that if you join with a man who doesn’t have shit, the arguments will be more frequent than with someone who is stable in his career. That woman above who DM’d me, had an ex-boyfriend who most likely broke up with her because he got tired of feeling judged and nagged for his lack of funds. The real reason women get stuck dealing with the Have-Nots is that they’re painfully low-maintenance in the beginning. They want to be that “let’s eat wings and walk around the park,” cool chick that men claim to love. Then, as they get comfortable, they realize they do want the traditional romantic treatment as well. Every February I see a spike in women coming to me for advice. Why? Because the guys they’ve been fucking, sucking, and cuffing don’t get them shit for V-Day. It shouldn’t take a holiday for you to recognize that you want more and he’s not in a position to give it. While people claim money doesn’t matter, it does. Your attitude towards that man and his attitude towards you will turn hostile after months or years of realizing that you will never get treated, tricked on, or spoiled like other women who aren’t half the catch you are.

WHAT IF THIS WERE THE BAR: Only date providers. Only enter into relationships with providers. That way if it does stand the test of time you already know you’re marrying a provider. Even if you can provide for yourself, isn’t that a smart way to ensure that your future isn’t a struggle?

When you’re young, you can afford to grow together, but when you’re a woman in her mid-twenties on up with amazing things going for herself, why talk to guys who can’t match you step by step? Don’t deflect with “in my city there’s only broke dudes” because statistically, that’s impossible. Don’t deflect with “men lie about what they have,” because all that tells me is that you don’t date properly or vet their lifestyle. And don’t deflect with this idea that you have to be shooting in the gym with a man. This isn’t an inquisition against men who are preparing for the Bar exam or entrepreneurs who are actively working towards something, this is about YOU dealing with men inching towards 30, or over that mark, who still don’t know what they want to do with their lives. A hard working man on the come-up,  is not the same as a bum looking for a come up. Yet, you confuse the man that’s working and saving money towards his business with one that simply has a business idea. These guys know what sounds good, and they will lie to you like they’re one meeting away from making it big. It’s all a hustle! If every woman decided not to fuck a man unless he had something, men would step their game up. The reason they don’t is because so many ladies cave instead of risk the dick. Even a poor man, an inconsistent man, abusive man, or plain old average man is better than being a single woman…it’s time to unlearn that lie.

In honor of the release of the Ho Tactics: Savage Edition Book & Audio Book (yes there’s finally an audio version –> http://bit.do/HoTactic-Book, sorry for the wait) I want to delve into the concept of value. How is it that there are women who constantly date down living in the same cities as women who do nothing but date men of stature? Are you two going to different parts of the same town? Is your eye-fuck flirting not as strong as hers? Do you even go outside? They manage to find ballers no matter if it’s in Detroit, Tampa, or Boulder and some of you can’t even find a man in New York or LA?  Value. Each one of you prides yourself on having standards, in theory, but in practice do you demand your worth?

To become your boyfriend, takes what?

To get you to open up about your life, takes what?

To get you to spread your legs open and let him inside of you, takes what?

Think back to the last guy you dealt with and what he ACTUALLY did to win any of those things from you? Your Pussy isn’t Bitcoin it’s Blockbuster Video. These men talk to you like you’re priceless, but treat you like you’re worthless. Most of you fuck for the cost of one or two dates. Even more of you allow a man to become your boyfriend by simply asking after a few weeks or a month. When it comes to lowering your guard, I wager that 90% of you tell a stranger all your business the first time you hang out. I bet there are men who can check some of you with, “I fucked her and didn’t even have to take the bitch out,” “I fucked her, and all it cost me was a quarter tank of gas and a $40 dinner bill” or “I fucked her and ended up getting money out of her”. We as men know that you women lie about the imaginary shit you need for us to get you open because we’ve all run through girls that bragged but didn’t back it up. The girl that makes out at the bar with the first cute guy that flirts with her claims she has value. The girl that lets a guy smoke her out then suck her breast claims she has value. The girl that lets her boyfriend borrow money and never gets it back claims she has value. Where do you fall in this house of lies? Are you the girl that claims she has Pussy Power then gets used or are you one that proves it every day she walks out of the house? The receipts prove that most are Typicals that talk about what a man SHOULD bring to the table but lets him in your house even when he comes empty-handed.

Afraid of Your Power

There was a viral story that broke about a woman who went on a normal dinner date with one guy then went off on vacation with another man she was dating the next week. This so-called “vacation date” rubbed two crowds the wrong one—The Come Over and Chill guys & The I Don’t Get Offered Dates ladies. As the day progressed, dozens of women came forth that they too had gotten Vacation Dates, which led to the broke men slut-shaming and the undervalued women throwing shade. Yes, there are women out there who get luxury dates that women in actual relationships will never get. Yes, there are men out there who don’t mind spending thousands of dollars to court a woman he’s not going to have sex with anytime soon. If that seems shocking or unbelievable than you’re on the wrong side of history! Right now, in the privacy of your own mind, admit the truth. You would love to deal with a man that’s not only handsome but can afford to treat you to nice things. That’s a fact. Yet, you downplay this want and hold onto this idea that you don’t need that kind of man because you’re not a gold digger. Who the fuck is talking about digging for gold or using someone? Men give, these women aren’t taking. If your mind goes there, that tells me you’ve been conditioned to see value as a bad thing. The conversation has been hijacked by the broke and angry males who can’t give that, yet still, want to have someone like you on their arm. They poison the well, and you continue to drink from it until you convince yourself, “I’m not money hungry, so go ahead and fuck me while we watch Black Mirror and drink Henny.” Does being easy to fuck swell you with pride? Does dealing with a man who won’t even bring you a warm rag after sex, make you feel independent? You’re getting finessed out of proper treatment because you’re afraid to ask for more!

Wanting to be taken out, expecting a man to pay for dates, or needing to be courted with old-school romance, doesn’t make you any less of an independent woman. Dating multiple guys until you decide which one is right, calling men out for lack of consistency, walking away the moment you see he isn’t measuring up, doesn’t make you too picky, it makes you smart. Too many women foolishly lower their standards so they can come off as attainable to men who don’t have shit. Wakanda is forever, and so is that nigga’s 500 range credit score! For all this talk about respect and being woke, why are you disrespecting your future by dealing with unambitious men who tell you what they can do for you but never show it? I get it… You like a certain type, you only get approached by a certain type, you don’t live in a nice area, so you’re a victim of limited options. Bullshit! You choose what kind of men you date, they aren’t kidnapping you. So, what’s really going on? The myth that a Good Woman takes what she’s given and shouldn’t ask for more is brainwashing. You give guys with three kids by three different women a chance at your heart because you were told to judge a person by their heart, not their past. You’re so understanding of today’s economy that you allow yourself to be dated cheaply or even pitch in when the bill comes. In a relationship, you hold a financially irresponsible dude down because you were raised to be loyal to the struggle, not loyal to your own ascension. Ask yourself, who benefits from this unselfish tradition of being a man’s doormat? Not you!

Love or Stupidity?

“I don’t need all of that fancy stuff, I’m cool with chilling in the car and talking.” Basicas buy into the concept that being low maintenance is the way to land the man of her dreams…the catch-22 is that in her dreams the man does more for her than pass the blunt and try to suck her neck in a Honda. Furthermore, we as men rarely covet women that make it easy for us to have them. “All I need is love,” types always get burnt. Always! Ms. GoodGood has her own money, her own place, and her own car. Therefore she can hold babe down and help lift him up. We all know these types of women, they sacrifice for a man, cry about how they aren’t appreciated, it crumbles, then they repeat the cycle with the next fix-a-dick that talks her dumb ass out of her coins. No matter what advice you give them, they keep getting put in the position where they take care of grown ass men all because he drops the L word.

I don’t put the blame on women, our society lies from the time they’re little girls, convincing them that they must bring something to the table to get a man of equal or higher value. Blac Chyna can’t even suck a dick properly, but she’s made 10x more money than Superhead because the shit men have promoted as “must-haves” is fraudulent. The women that don’t give a fuck about what men say they want and give a man what she wants him to have will always win. Your crush praises your “independent” streak over the girls that are talking about $200 dates, but that’s all it is—hollow praise. Your “friend” loves how down to earth you are, like one of the boys, but he’ll pass you up for a boujee chick in a heartbeat. Ever wonder why this mindset of “I got you bae” always results in women attracting bums? It’s because users are the only males that chase that. Real men don’t want your Girl Boss ass, they want a Queen who still likes to be spoiled like a Princess because men of real means love to take care of women not be taken care of by women. A friend of mine stopped returning this guy’s texts after they went on three dates. Finally, she replies that she felt insulted that she’s gone this long without having flowers sent to her job. Guess what he did. He sent the flowers! Men bend to the will of women who dare to ask for more! You don’t try this, so you don’t know how well it works!

Guys want that fancy girl, the hosidity chick, that unattainable prize who walks like she shits gold, and while they come around and use you for pussy, money, or comfort, you’re never going to spark his heart in the same way a challenging woman does. Forget what these fools tell you or what they post online and look at what they chase! It’s not about looks, it’s about attitude. Stop doubling down on this idea that you need to show a man that you can do everything on your own, and allow them to see that side of you that dictates you be treated like royalty not regular. When you come off like you don’t need anything but his love, he’ll exploit that, not appreciate it. He’ll take advantage of your giving nature while doing the bare minimum. Then when he grows bored, or you start asking for too much in return, he’ll ghost you.

I’ve seen this pattern over a hundred times: Take the independent woman’s money and give it to the high maintenance girl to show her he’s a baller. Proof that this man was never above spoiling women. Take the Good Girl’s car and go pick up his other chick that doesn’t drive. Proof that he was never looking for a woman that had her life in order. Finally, he will take all that “we’re in this together” love you showered him with and throw it away to try and chase a girl who won’t even text him back. Proof that he doesn’t want unconditional love, he wants to love on his own terms. This isn’t to say, don’t have your own shit, don’t be nice to men, blah blah blah. I want you all to understand that you’re playing by the rules of a rigged game. That you’ve been conditioned to be so low maintenance that it’s now hurting your shot at getting what you really want—a truly equal partner who can add value to your life as opposed to dragging you down.

Rule #5 Be Picky:

Your friends will tell you that if you don’t lower your standards, you will end up a cat lady. They’re being extra and probably trying to break you down to their level, so you can fuck and suck on the same low-vibrational men they deal with. When you’re a woman 25+ and your aim is no longer sitting on the face of cute boys, but trying to build with someone of substance, you have to be stuck up. What do YOU need to see from a man? Write a list out. I’m not talking about shit like height, hair length, or what month he has to be born in to match with your sign. I’m talking about real tangible things that you need to see in a man that could one day graduate to be your husband.

*He must have a car if he lives in a city that calls for one.

*If you don’t have kids, then don’t deal with a man that has multiple.

*If he makes the same mistake twice, don’t forgive again, move on

*Making time for you and his own life is a must, no “too busy” excuses

*Even if you only make $15 an hour, don’t give your pussy away to someone earning the same or less.

*You can’t do anything with a man that lives in a basement or sleeps on a couch.

Those are only examples of how you should construct your list. I don’t know what your wants and standards are, you do, so populate your list with your personal must-haves. A 26-year-old grad student’s list will be different from that of a 37-year-old divorced mother, but no matter what level you’re on, that list should make it hard for the average guy to get past the first date with you let alone EARN a relationship. Love yourself so fucking hard that these men know that they can’t approach you on some bullshit. Stop saying “I’m not average,” and start proving it! Your nose should be so high in the air that a man without shit won’t even use the number you give him because he knows he’s outclassed. Let these thirsty chicks throw box at every cute guy with a beard, your pussy doesn’t even get wet for that young shit—where’s his bag? What does he do at work, where does he live and with who… These are the things you discover after you exchange numbers or on the first date. Doesn’t matter if they’re nice, if they have a sob story for their situation, or if you feel an instant connection; look at your list, then look at his life. If he doesn’t measure up—pass on him.

Rule #4 You Aren’t Harriet Tubman:

This section is dedicated to women of color because I’ve seen first hand how cultural guilt fucks over women that could have done so much better. Some black women only date within their race and even more only date within their community. Straight A Jazmine went off to college, then ran back to the hood and got pregnant by GED Kevin. Not because he was the cutest guy she ever met in her travels but because he was comfortable, and she felt it was her duty to be with a brother from her hood. Yes, black men, more than any other race of males has the hardest uphill battle, but these choices aren’t based on dude being the same color. Randy the nerd that was a black kid that was also in college with you, but you blew him off. Phil, the male nurse, was from the projects and put himself through nursing school, yet you dismissed him as a cornball. Even the brother who you couldn’t find anything wrong with, you passed on and listed it under, “he just didn’t have that swag I like.” The excuse of “only black men get me,” is a cover-up. Many of you choose specific types of black men, often those that never even tried to make it out of their surroundings or still act and talk like they’re teenagers. Do you think a dose of your pussy is going to inspire him to go back to school? You think sucking his dick with that mouth that speaks proper English is going to make him give up his mixtape dreams? Is moving him into your condo going to be as impactful as taking a knee for the anthem? Fuck no!

In the end, you’re not doing it for the culture, you’re doing it because you feel a man like that needs you and will appreciate you more than those more successful black, white, Asian, or Latino men who are also on the market for you to soul snatch. Stop masking it with race, and just admit that you’re afraid. Going back down and snatching Kevin from hoodrat TeeTee seems like an easy victory… until Kevin ends up fucking TeeTee behind your back and giving you whatever she was carrying. I’m emailed at least one of these stories every week. Successful and educated women who shouldn’t be in the midst of hood drama are firmly cemented in it because they felt a need to lower their dating standards for some fake cause. You were smart enough to excel academically and professionally, so be confident in your ability to win over any man no matter what socio-economic class he’s on. Upgrade your taste!

Rule #3 You Always Have Options:

I get it, you are high class, you do have standards, but you don’t have options, so you entertain the first guy that tries to get at you. It’s not that you want to go on his uninspired date offer, it’s that you’re bored, so why not? I smell bullshit…is that you Basica? A woman always has options that are more varied than she makes them out to be. It’s the power of your limited mind creating a reality where the only guys that come up and talk to you are the low men on the totem pole. When I say go and talk to guys first, you respond with, “I don’t see any cute ones.” But if one of those “not that cute” boys were to speak first, you would talk to him… see how your logic collapses on itself? Stop being afraid to be alone, stop thinking you can’t do better than that goofy guy who gives you dry texts and weak dick, stop settling in general! There is nothing wrong with you that you can’t pull quality men into your universe. Be proactive. That ensures that you will always be able to pull a man that isn’t the same as the typical ones that approach you. Be prepared. That readies you to engage and wow a top shelf man that girls usually freeze around. Be positive! That dictates that even when you’re not looking for love, love will find you because the glow of being happy alone is magnetic!

Rule #2 The World Is Yours:

When a male marginalizes a woman as if she’s just one fish in the sea, it’s a mindfuck that keeps womankind in place. It dictates that you humble your ambitions and be grateful to have that man because he can always go and get a younger and prettier you, while you will struggle to find someone even half as great. It’s a prison made of lies that too many ladies lock themselves into. Every single adult male has lied or exaggerated to get with a woman or paid directly or indirectly to sleep with a woman. If you were so ordinary, so easy to get, then why do men risk family, fortune, and well-being to have you? Because they know like I know that women are the greatest thing ever created and have this scary power to make even the most logical of us weak at the knees.

List the irrational things men do in pursuit of women: A) cheat on their girlfriends and risk it all for a swim in a woman he barely knows or who isn’t even that cute. B) Have sex with a girl who openly admits she has an STD. C) Trick expensive gifts that he can’t even afford. Ladies, you can’t just ignore the extremes men go through for women or brush it off as just a few thirsty apples—all men have done something illogical in pursuit of a woman. This secret has to be guarded by the “Bros” because no man wants to admit how much he’s at the mercy of women. That’s why we have slut-shaming to keep the bold ones in check, why using reverse psychology on girls is learned early on, and why we pit women against each other. You aren’t going to date multiple men—because slut shaming has you feeling guilty for even considering it. You aren’t going to go anywhere even when a man disrespects you—because the idea that some other woman is going to replace you is scary. You will parrot what men say to shame your sisters—because that’s how the world of man has trained you. It’s like that scene in The Color Purple, this world is dependent on men like Mister telling men like Harpo to beat a woman back down in place, and at that moment women like Celie will nod along because misery loves company!

This is your world! No matter what your history is, you must wake up tomorrow with the mindset that you can have whatever you go after. You weigh close to 200 pounds—you can still get a man. You have a reputation around town—you can still get a man. You aren’t traditionally pretty—you can still get a man. You were diagnosed with HPV or HSV—you can still get a man. You are only limited by your imagination and willingness to go out and talk a good game. Name something you see as a negative, and I can tell you a real-life example of someone I’ve come across who made it into a win. Stop being your own worse enemy and start cheering yourself on.

Rule #1 You Are the Fucking Table!

Why do some women have all the luck? They get multiple men trying to give them the world, they don’t get toyed with, and even when they slip up, they don’t crumble or run back to their abusers like you have been guilty of doing. Luck is a false concept. Those women aren’t lucky, they’re conscious. The day that you realize that you don’t have to do shit to make a man chase but be unapologetically you is the day your love life changes. I can’t expect a man with money and success because I’m still working on me. Do you really think the Universe works like that? Look around at real life and show me where there is a balance of equals pairing off with equals. For every Jay-Z and Beyoncé, you can point to, there are 1000x more couples like Robert Kraft and his girlfriend. Every vacation resort I’ve taken my wife to has an insane amount of old wrinkly dudes with super-hot young wives, so kill this noise that you can’t be a hostess at Olive Garden and end up with a CEO. Furthermore, having more than the average man doesn’t mean you will only find men that resent your success. That’s the lie you tell yourself to remain comfortable dating the same revolving door of dicks.

Your thoughts create your reality, and the reality you have created is that you need to be at a certain level financially to find love or happiness. You’ve been told for so long that you don’t deserve shit unless you earn it, that you’ve subconsciously created a reality where you keep pushing your “blessings” away from you because you don’t feel you deserve them. You could have everything you desire if you got out of your own way and stopped limiting your power as a creator. You tell yourself that you can’t go and tap that guy on the shoulder until you lose a few more pounds, already projecting that you think this man is shallow. You tell yourself that you aren’t getting back into the dating game until you finish up your degree because heaven knows that NO man has ever gotten into a relationship with a woman that didn’t have a masters. You date down, resolved to your position in life as just another basic woman from a basic place that can only get basic men. You have manifested a life of “wait until after,” or “why even try,” scenarios. Meanwhile, other women are thriving because they take life by the balls and squeeze.

If you embrace your True self and stop limiting your mind with counter-thoughts, there may be a period where you will have to be alone until your new way of living rewrites the old. But It’s temporary. You all fear the temporary and are obsessed with now now now, and that’s why you keep creating that chaotic shit soup you call “life.” Love-sick women will always bury their power and live mediocre lives with men they settled for. Do you want to be at the mercy of men or do you want to reign over them? A Goddess trusts in the world that she’s constantly creating with her thoughts. She will have risen to the level where “what if” and overthinking has been drowned out by confident thoughts of “it will happen.” She knows she will eventually end up with what she set out to get and doesn’t impatiently break while waiting for it to manifest. Are you a Goddess or are you a desperate woman that just wants some little boy to love her and doesn’t care what he brings to her table? A life of raising a man that doesn’t know how to be a man. A life of not being appreciated. A life of waiting on tax returns to hit your bank account because you don’t have a partner who can help you grow, you have a partner that keeps you paycheck to paycheck. That’s your future if you continue to aim low or not aim at all… You can be the typical good-hearted woman that isn’t picky and takes on any man brave enough to shoot his shot, or you can ascend to Godhood. If all you’ve gotten out of this is “find a man with a good enough bank account” you’ve missed the point. This isn’t about men, it’s about knowing your value and pushing yourself to get what you deserve. This is YOUR world, the same way you’ve let your confused and fearful mind create these inconsistent results, Spartan Up, and use that power to create one where you win now and forever…

The Hidden Rule: Know the Game

“The lion cannot protect himself from traps, and the fox cannot defend himself from wolves. One must therefore be a fox to recognize traps, and a lion to frighten wolves.” – Machiavelli

People will try to test you to see if you are gold or merely gold plated. Men will wear masks and look for a flaw in you no matter if you’re at the talking stage, dating stage, or in a relationship… To help get you started here’s a Free Sample of the brand-new updated Ho Tactics book—> Click Here To Download

The Audio Book Is Finally Out, Over 9 Hours of Tactics, narrated by world-renowned actor Patrick Stevens.

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Thanks for reading What Do They Bring To The Table – The Power of Being High Maintenance

Black Girls Are Easy

Fuck love, fuck dating, fuck this generation of over-texting, under-valuing, game playing fakes. You’re sick of being disappointed and tired of wasting time, so you’re going to break away from romance to focus on self until that bitter taste is gone or someone worthwhile comes along. LMFAO! Yeah okay… You’re over love in the same way a 15-year-old who says, “I hate this house I’m going to run away,” is over their parents. Once that anger dies out, or someone kisses your ass, you’re back to doing the same shit you’ve been doing—Entertaining time wasters, sleeping with recycled exes, trying to teach people who don’t even like you, how to love you, and ignoring the lessons your last disappointment should have taught you. Why are you so hard headed that you race right back into the game despite all those “that was the last time I do that to myself” affirmations? Simple. Because you don’t know how to be happy alone! I’m talking to you Mr. She Hurt Me, Bro and you Ms. No One I Like Ever Likes Me Back. No matter if you’re recently single and ready to swear it off or if you’ve been single for so long that your coochie’s grown cobwebs, I want to convince you that taking a break is a good thing. However, the insincere and emotionally driven way most of you attempt to hit reset is the wrong way to go about it.

There are women who know how to be in-between boyfriends. There are men that know how to live through a pussy drought. A lack of options isn’t the same as taking a break. It’s so easy to swear off love when you have a dry phone, or you can only attract exes or people you’ve already curved. That’s like being on a diet when your account is on overdraft. Of course you can have will-power when your ass can’t afford that 900-calorie meal. There’s nothing wrong with getting back in the game after swearing it off, we all say shit in the heat of the moment. However, if you swore it off because you felt that there were mistakes you were making that needed to be corrected, you should actually take steps to correct them before engaging with someone new. If you swore off love because you kept attracting toxic people, you should step back and soul-search the reasons why you allowed yourself to be sucked in by that member of the Ain’t Shit Club.  You can’t be upset for a week, brainwash yourself into believing that not calling your ex or taking new numbers is self-work, then fall back into old habits once you feel better. It’s kinda like Caesar from Black Ink never addressing how Dutchess Ho Tactic’d his entire life, and continuing to chase after every new piece of ass with the same simp mentality that got him burnt. It’s like messy bun Amber from Teen Mom thinking she knows everything, then opening her legs to the next old-ass user, without properly vetting him. If you don’t step back and do the work it will lead to an endless Circle of Fuck Ups…

I hate men, I’m going to focus on my money

+ A new cute guy that pushes all the right buttons

= He’s so different, that’s bae.

These broads are all crazy, I’m good over here

+ A new sexy woman that laughs too hard at your jokes

= She’s so different, that’s my little baby.

Your romantic math is easy to figure out because your romantic moves are more predictable than the end of a Tyler Perry movie. No matter if it’s a woman that comes to me for advice or one of the bros I know in real life, all it takes is someone new and intriguing to make them rush back into the battlefield. Waiting for someone that looks good to pop up on your radar is NOT the same as focusing on self! Today I want to help every man and woman who really needs to hit pause and get their head together, leave the game and better themselves the smart way before that eventual return to dating.

Impatience. Boredom. Fear.

You don’t have the patience to come home, put the phone down or turn the TV off, and be alone with your own thoughts. Sure, you can do it once or twice, but could you really meditate or do self-analysis about your past and present for 7 straight days let alone a month or two?

Being alone is boring. You need to gossip about others, talk shit about the people that hurt you, or point out what your ex is doing on social media or you start to fidget. Can you really go off the grid and hang out in your own head? Could you go out and enjoy your own company enough to eat or take in a movie alone? Are you able to focus on building your bank account or a network of people that could better your career goals, or will you quickly grow bored and need a “bae” to make it all worthwhile?

The fear of the person you just left being happy without you, finding someone before you do, or you never finding love again; that’s where the overthinking goes wild when you’re not distracting yourself with daily nonsense. You lay up at night, and you’re scared because your own mind is a sea of chaos. Self-doubt is more powerful than self-confidence in the mind of a person that’s just gone through a breakup. And it’s that self-doubt that will drive them to either go back to the hell the know or jump for the first option that comes with the possibility of validation.

Impatience. Boredom. Fear.

You can’t be happy alone unless you kill all three of these weak traits.

For Those Coming Off A Breakup

Let Go – I don’t care if it was four years or four months, make like Elsa and let that shit go! If your relationship, situationship, or whatever had your heart in a vice, ended then I assume that you tried to make it work and did all the steps I listed in MDLWLY or for the fellas all the steps in She Ain’t It. If you couldn’t come back together and make it work or if there were too much bad blood to restart, accept that incompatibility as proof that you can’t always get what you want. “But how exactly? It’s so hard to let go when they keep reaching out.” Listen here you excuse making weakling… The reality is that you can block a number. You can ignore an email. You can keep walking in public. You can tell mutual friends not to invite you out when the ex has a chance of coming out too. If you have kids you can use a go-between to facilitate communication if you think you may get sucked back in. Name one thing that “forces” you to talk to someone you need out of your life. I’ll wait… Now use your evolved human brain to figure out a way to get through it. It’s not that you can’t let go, it’s that you don’t want to.

A young lady told me how she felt so strong and empowered from my writing that she cut her ex-boyfriend off for good. She had fallen into the trap of still having sex with him while pretending to be “working on self” and knew she was being stupid. Less than a week later, she was back in my inbox telling me how she relapsed. How? She unblocked him during a boring weekend, and he happened to text her—she saw that as a sign from above. I saw it as a sign that a nigga was shooting his shot because he couldn’t go out and get new pussy. She unblocked him because she was weak and lonely, and entertaining someone who disrespected her was better than being alone and horny on a Saturday night.

Your situationship guy fell back then comes hitting you back up—let go. The girl you thought you would marry before it fell apart reaches out on your birthday and wants to catch up—let go. Some asshole tries to guilt trip you like the break up was your fault, don’t take the bait and start talking to them to prove your point—let go! Even if you want to give that person a second chance one day, the smart move is to get some distance, breath, live, and THEN circle back to see if that second chance makes sense.  Fuck your “but this but this but this,” excuses and deal with that pain and hurt of walking away. It’s difficult, it’s frustrating, it’s sad—but it’s mandatory! You have to want to get better, not just talk a good game then break when they reach out. You can do this, so prove it the next time they reach out.

Stop Stalking – My wife has a friend that would call her after a breakup like, “girl he was on Snap doing blah blah blah,” then the next day, “he was on IG posting blah blah blah.” Finally, I heard my wife fume, “Why do you even care?” I laughed my ass off. A true Spartan would never think to keep tabs on a person after a breakup, follow their moves, or gossip about their daily life. Basic Bitches can’t help but be consumed with stalking and talking. What’s it going to be for you? Are you going to wake up in the morning and check their social media, look at the new names liking or commenting, and then get back in your feelings? Are you going to call your friends and say silly shit like, “guess who was asking about me today,” so you can gossip like some bird? Are you going to remain Typical or are you going to rise above that young shit?

I wager 70% of you will continue to lurk because you need to know what your ex is doing. Maybe it’s because you want them back. Maybe because you want to compete. Maybe you’re waiting for Karma to catch up with them. Maybe it’s because you would be sick to your stomach if they popped up with a new girlfriend or boyfriend. Fuck your asinine reasoning! The more energy you put into the past, the more it drains your future waves. Yes, fellas, this includes you. Y’all dumbasses will unfollow and then refollow, accidentally hit like on a picture, and expose all your goofy because most don’t even know how to stalk as well as the ladies. Both sexes are guilty of passive-aggressive messiness. Is working on yourself code for = Stalking my ex until they reach out again? It feels that way. Kill the social media interaction. Avoid places where you know they frequent. Stop bringing it up to your friends. All the things you could be doing in your daily life, why waste that brain power playing detective? Are you really that hollow that you can’t think of anything to do with your free time than lurk a timeline? Are you really that boring that you must have the same old conversations about someone you pretend to be unbothered by? Are you that wealthy or established in your career that you can afford to spend even a minute of your focus on someone who isn’t adding to your bottom line? Pull down your fucking skirt, your insecurity is showing!

Go Inside, Every Day – I’ve noticed something in my travels. For all the new age books, crystals, vision boards, or whatever that a lot of you are into, many people don’t even know how to meditate. Literally, you can’t sit in a room alone and go inside your own head for 20 minutes. I’m not surprised because most can’t even properly shit unless they’re scrolling a timeline. This ADD way of living is the core of why you don’t get anywhere emotionally. You’re always talking, always reacting, always doing detective work. When do you have time to stand still and think? The key to being happy alone, and not just faking it, is to learn to become your own best friend, your own mentor, and your own therapist.

I want you to start with 15 minutes a day and build your focus until you can go for 20 or 30 minutes a day. Isolate yourself from other people, electronics, and your normal way of thinking. None of you are so busy that you can’t take time in the morning or at night before bed to sink into nothing. You don’t have to cross your legs or do some specific breathing exercise. Start by getting to the point where you can sit still for that first five minutes. If you have an idea, remember a bill that needs to be paid, or start fixating on not thinking, catch yourself, empty it out, and focus on the blackness of your closed eyelids. Don’t try to tap into some higher thought or figure out your problems. Just relax. Be nothing.

The next step is to ask yourself everything that’s hidden from the character you play. This isn’t about love advice, this is about life in general. Do you really like your parents? Do your current group of friends know the real you or just the mirage? What can’t you stand about your present life? What’s really making you mad when you get into moods? What deep secret are you holding in; did you steal when you were younger, cheat, lie? Is the job you’re at really what you want to be doing? Are you lazy? Are you fake? Are you sexually frustrated? Are you the type of person you would want to be friends with? Eventually, you’ll land on “why haven’t I found love.” In the privacy of your own head, where you can admit anything without penalty, it will be time to answer that with the truth, not the excuse. Replay this exercise at least five days a week. I guarantee you that by the third week you will have discovered stuff about yourself that will make you take ownership of your life choices.

No Date Zone – One of my favorite people told me that she was on fast from dating. It was the first time in four years she wouldn’t have a guy in her life on her birthday, and it was all planned out that way to give her time to reevaluate what she was doing versus what she wanted. It’s a brilliant concept. This isn’t being celibate or taking some fear-based vow, this is much more practical and scientific in its makeup. All the guys you date, even the ones that were good eggs, didn’t work out. What did they have in common? Why did you agree to be exclusive? What were the things that bothered you about them? What were the things that bothered them about you? The goal is to stop jumping into relationships just because it’s expected and ask yourself why do you even need a relationship at this point in your life? What can that person bring to your table? What path are you on, and is it better to be solo? Sex is great, having someone to talk about your day with is amazing, but those things aren’t more important than personal goals. Some lives revolve around other people making them happy, while others know that it’s about making self happy.

There’s nothing wrong with turning your nose up at the status quo of “You must have someone to be happy.” If anything, shrugging off this idea that you need external love, is necessary for developing emotional maturity. The old you, that weak chick that got stuck on crushes and took every rejection to heart will fade away once you realize it’s not that serious. That old you, the soft guy that always chose the wrong women will crumble once you realize that you don’t have to chase to attain. How do you start over? You don’t just pump your breaks, you park the car and fix all that crap built up under your hood.

Could you go on a romantic fast even in the face of pursuit by the type of people you would normally date? Is your discipline that strong that you could curve some T’Challa looking dude who approaches you? If not, here are a few tips: What do you do when someone tries to get your number? You take it, but you don’t use it. Put it in the “hey stranger” jar for possible use when you’re back in the game. What do you do when someone from the past who you always crushed on gets in contact with you? You keep it friendly but decline any social outing or attempt to creep into your life. Don’t be consumed with this thought of “what if this is the one.” You’re brainwashing yourself to go back out there before you’re ready under some superstitious ideology that opportunity only knocks once. If that person is the one for you, they’ll always be the one for you. A fast is a fast. No dating. No texting. No hanging out as if it’s not a date. Deal with what you need to. Heal. Live life free of the stress of relationships. Get your life in the order you want emotionally or financially. This could take a month, or it could take a year. Only you know how much time alone you truly need. The goal is to be disciplined enough to let what seems like a perfect pitch glide pass you. You can’t become clear of thought until you’re free of distractions and rid of this pressure to belong to someone.

For Those That Have Been Single For Too Long

Stop Being Bitter –  Ever talk to someone that was single for a year or more? Hell, maybe you are that person who has been single for a year or more. Not to generalize, but most of the women who come to me fitting that description have horrible attitudes, negative dispositions, and they wear excuses like body lava. They know everything about dating and relationships, and in their opinion, everyone is playing games, all men cheat, all girls are hoes, and anyone that’s happy is fronting. When you question them on their own inability to find love, they point you to the city they live in full of bums. They point you to the type of women guys pick over them, “all these guys say they want someone real, but they chase after these Dr. Miami bitches.” They’re high opinionated about everything except for one-touch subject—their past. 9 out of 10 women who come to me for advice finally cave in and all that hot air deflates as I force them to tell me about their father who wasn’t there, that mother who put others before them, or the ex that had her looking stupid. That anger, that sour taste, that hate they spew under cover of “love is dumb,” is a shield meant to hide the fact that they can’t figure out why no one actually wanted them at any stage of life. No one will ever choose you for you. Think about that. It hurts. But it’s not true, and that’s what I need you Forever Single chicks to over-stand.

One girl would always write me about what her friend was doing and how dumb she was for not seeing through these fuck boys. I told her to drop her opinions about her friend and focus that shit inward because she and her BFF were one in the same. Both women were looking for validation because of rough childhoods, both women got excited anytime a new dick tried to date her, both women swore off love once they got fucked and ghosted. She wasn’t single because she was taking a break. She was single because unlike her friend, she stayed in the house most times, mean mugged when out, and didn’t have anyone willing to approach that toxic energy she was emitting. Whereas her friend was more carefree and extroverted. After I pointed that out, she snapped back with her size as a reason why men don’t approach her. See how deflection works? Her weight didn’t make her unattractive, her friend was just as big as she was, and was having success on that shallow level of being pulled. It was her disposition that made her ugly. I told her all of this, and she fell back from wanting my advice… until she ended up fucking some guy that was a new hire at work. Then she ran back to me crying about how he dogged her out and was now smashing some girl at work she hated.

Pop Quiz: Why was a woman like this who had been single for over three years so easy to be manipulated by the first new dick that winked at her? Answer: Because bitter people who have been single for too long don’t know shit. They theorize and give opinions about love, but when it comes to putting all that sass and bombastic wisdom to the test, they get exposed as just another love-starved Basica. They never worked on “self” they just hardened and embraced a negative outlook, and neither of those things are healthy ways to unlock the path to Spartanhood.

If you’re a woman who wags your finger, “tell men they need to stop playing so many games,” or if you’re a man that vents to the internet, “these bitches today need to be less shallow,” then you’ve already lost. People will always do what they want. The solution isn’t for Karma, God, or the fucking Easter Bunny to punish people into being nice, it’s for you to recognize the game and expose the real from the fake. You’re bitter because using your brain to expose people’s intentions is too much work for your lazy ass. You’re too tired to put in work, so you choose to stay single. The irony is that you will run into someone that wants something from you and once again be too lazy to even test their agenda. If you’re a woman, it’s most likely pussy or money. If you’re a man, it’s most likely attention or money. Your bitter hibernation didn’t smarten you up to the hustle, you just folded your arms. Life is a game! You can’t NOT play it, so get that stick out of your ass, fix your funky attitude, and smarten up to how to WIN, not how to complain.

Take Responsibility – You’re not single because of your city. You’re not single because of your looks. You’re not single because all men are immature assholes, or all women are looking for 7-foot rich guys. No matter if you’re a man that thought he did everything right or a woman who held a man down, you have to stop throwing yourself a pity party. You picked the wrong person. Fact. You either knew they were wrong for you or missed signs and found out the hard way. Fact. You can either dwell in your past or move into the future with a better understanding of what happened. Fact! Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you admit that everything’s your fault, stop being so dense. Taking responsibility is about regaining ownership of your life to take control of your future. When you sit around and point point point, what does that do? The milk is spilled, the damage is done, and moving forward all you’ll do is look back to how you were done dirty and use it to excuse your current lack of success. Are you that person that cries about being fired from a job and points to that as the reason why you can’t get hired right now or are you that person that laughs about being fired from a job because it led to you getting something better? It’s all about your outlook.

I have a buddy that got herpes from her ex-boyfriend. They were together for years, it wasn’t perfect, but it was good most of the times. She had no idea that her “man” would bring something back to her. They broke up, and she came to me with a positive spin on how she was going to move forward. He was a flawed man. She knew he had holes in his character. She ignored them and accepted him. “GL, that was my mistake for spending all that time with a man who acted sketchy more than once.” Some of you would probably sink into a deep depression and swear off love… you would literally allow someone to put a stop to your life. This woman didn’t, she took that hand she was dealt, and rebuilt herself. She’s now happily married with a man who accepted her for who she was. That’s power, that’s maturity, that’s a fucking Spartan. You get knocked down, you don’t cry about fairness, you internalize how you got knocked down, grow wiser, and move into that next chapter with a positive mindset that you will do better this time around.

Kill the Old You: Meditate. Ask those deep questions I outlined above. Most importantly, switch your POV so you can embrace real change. Unlike those that are coming off a breakup and retain some form of optimism, eternally single people have this wall of negativity built up towards life. It’s not just love, being unhappy and alone has jaded you towards damn near every subject. You’re like a walking one-star Yelp review, that’s how salty you’ve allowed yourself to become. The solution is to try on the POV of Appreciation. Be thankful! Instead of pointing out everything wrong in this world, look at it like Drizzy and Future: What a time to be alive! When you go to work and get annoyed, mellow yourself, and switch to that POV. When you see something that reminds you of how somebody did you dirty in a past relationship and just want to punch something, switch to that POV. Positive thinking, like meditation, is hard to master because few know how to do it. Stop trying to force happy thoughts and look on the bright side of “thanks.” That inner hater will starve if you do this consistently for a month. That mean mug you put on will soften. The energy you’re projecting to strangers and friends will improve. By the end of the month, you will then be able to look back and see that all that frustration and anger was pointless. The POV of Appreciation is your Phoenix Force, it will resurrect the part of you that the world buried.

The Typical Path

You’re going to keep giving a person that fucked you over or who proved they weren’t compatible your time to waste… again and again: Humans hate to feel as though they lost, were rejected or didn’t get the last word. You will run back to the last person you were with to pacify your ego. They haven’t changed. You haven’t changed. So, what’s changed? Nothing! You promise to do better, or they promise to improve on the things that lead to the breakup. The first few weeks you both will be on your best behavior, then like cheap paint, it peels off, revealing the truth of your relationship: You’re both the same incompatible people. You point the finger that they didn’t change. They return fire, saying it’s not them, it’s you that keeps doing the same things as before. Now you both are locked into an argument about who is ruining the relationship. Why did you go back before making any personal gains? Why did you give them a second chance before testing to see if they had truly learned and evolved? Because typical people don’t listen to advice, they don’t work on themselves, they wait, get bored, and rush right back into the fire.

You’re going to end up settling for someone that happens to be in your face at the right time and live to regret it: If it isn’t an ex, it’ll be your next, that proves that you’re too stubborn to ever win at life. You didn’t meditate, you didn’t switch your POV, you didn’t poke around your own head to understand why your life is the way it is, all you did was go to work, watch Netflix, and fill up your Amazon Wishlist. What you call working on yourself, is just living as a single person. All the holes that you need to be filled are still there, and you don’t even address it, even after I just laid all this stuff out. You know how to adult… you got this… then the reality hits you that you’re not happy alone. You see someone get married, a couple out having fun, or an ex finally move on and your mask shatters. The next person that catches your eye will win you over by doing the bare minimum because they’re at the right time and right place. They will play games, manipulate, or expose their incompatibilities after the honeymoon period dies out. You won’t go anywhere because you remember what being single felt like. You said you were cool, but you were lonely as fuck. You’ll stay, you’ll make it work, you’ll front to friends, family, and the internet like you’re in paradise. But I know the truth. You settled for a relationship that will eventually turn to shit because you did zero work while you were single.

The Enlightened Path

Being single can be the best thing to ever happen to your mental health if you spend that time addressing all the things you need to work on as opposed to dwelling on past relationships or anticipating future ones. Is your money right? Are your career goals being met? Are you actually having fun in life or are you living just to pay bills and waste time online? The lie you’ve been sold is that you need someone else to come into your world and make your life better by loving you unconditionally. External love is often fleeting and rarely unconditional, people give and take their love away, and you have no control over that. Focus on being great enough for you, not good enough for some flavor of the week! Stop using the time between relationships to sit on your ass and complain, and start to constructively build the kind of life you want to be living regardless of who is or isn’t in it. The right person will always come into your life at the right time, but you’re so wrapped up in waiting for them that you’re neglecting the fact that you aren’t yet right in your own life. Stop talking about your aspirations, stop over-planning your next move, stop with any excuse that has you standing still instead of moving forward. Spoiler Alert: Working on yourself, takes actual work! There is nothing that can hold you back from rebounding from a bad breakup. Trust issues, low self-esteem, past betrayals, present hopelessness, the fear of a future where you’ll always be alone–You can beat all of those things once you master emotional maturity! Help yourself to heal by giving yourself the proper time to heal. Follow the examples used above, awaken your inner Spartan, and only when you feel renewed and empowered by all the things you learned and achieved while focused on self-improvement, should you get back into the dating pool as that New You.

Thanks for reading Surviving Single – How To Be Happy Alone

Black Girls Are Easy

Why do you let guys play games with your heart? Oh, that’s right, you don’t let them, it’s a product of modern day males being so smart and sneaky that you can’t tell “He Wants Me” from “He’s A Waste.” Let’s go with the idea that we men are crafty and that you as women in your late teens, early 20s, even into your 30s, just don’t know how to tell the good from the bad because no one ever schooled you. I am telling every naïve, mistreated, and unhip woman right now that 8 out of the next 10 men you meet will not actually want you. I don’t care if it’s a guy that’s been crushing on you for years and finally gets a shot—he’ll ghost you once he’s lived out his fantasy. I don’t care if it’s that nice guy who just started working at your job and says all the proper things—he’ll ghost you after he explores your pussy. I don’t even care if it’s your on again off again man who has been through the struggles with you—he won’t end up with you in the end. The optimistic law that there’s someone for everyone is a lie. Women die alone or next to a man they never wanted, every day! Now that you know this, you can’t pretend to be ignorant to the game. You can’t blame your next love failure on not knowing. So, now what?

If I challenge you to find those 2 out of 10 men that are decent and sidestep those 8 that are pieces of shit, too immature to settle, emotionally unavailable, or plain old not interested in your personality, would you be able to now figure out who to date versus who to let go? If I sat you on a date and told you to break a man down through questions, could you do it? If I told you to take out your phone and delete every number of men who you know mean you know good, would you even want to?

Most of you will continue to get burnt by Dick Tactics because you read but don’t actually do. You learn psychology but don’t apply it to your life, because your big ass ego has you out here thinking you’re exempt. Sis, you’re stressed over a man that seven other women can lay claim to. Sis, you’re stuck on the memory of a man who was never that special. Sis, you’re a magnet for friendly ass men who will never see you as enough. I dare you to do something about it besides deflect the issue. If this is your first time reading this site, then I don’t blame you, everyone needs help navigating new waters. If this is a site you’ve come to more than once, then you have no excuse. I’ve given away free game for years that people from celebrities to high school teens to grandmothers have used in real life to step their game up and find inner strength and eventually love. Why can they take what I write and win while you still get played by some the grinning loser with a curved dick and low credit score? How can a 22-year-old woman from Canada end up married to a millionaire after reading my work, while a 29-year-old woman from NYC gives up and lets a guy who already has multiple kids make her just another baby mama? Why do you allow your low self-esteem to convince you that it just isn’t in the cards for you, when I consistently show you examples of women who, no matter their body weight, complexion, city of residence, or financial status, hook quality guys? It’s not about luck, it’s about mind-frame. You refuse to question the results of your life because you don’t like to think about all the L’s you take. Well, the time for hiding is over.

“My phone’s dry, I have to get dick to be whipped,” false! Many of you reading this are single, you’re more concerned with who to swipe on some dating app, than if you have holes in your game. Nevertheless, being whipped isn’t about ONE MAN, it’s about you being prone to attracting guys who want to taste you, gas you up, and then cool on you. Doesn’t matter what your relationship status is currently, if you’ve played yourself or let a man lead you on in the past two years– You’re dick whipped. You love to compare yourself to women who you are better then, well let’s look at those women who don’t get sprung off good sex. Let’s highlight those women who leave the man you cry over on Read. These ladies don’t have a deep hole that needs to be filled nor do they confuse sex with love. Men chase them, but they are able to ignore that game whereas you fall for it. Men have sex with them, and they’re the one’s that fall back whereas you run forward. The solution isn’t to avoid men, to be celibate, or any bullshit that doesn’t address the issue. You must get to know the ins and outs of your actions!

Maybe it was your father’s treatment of your mother or your father not being there that has you out in these streets chasing affection from some disingenuous man who reminds you of Dear Dad. “He’s so annoying!” is what you say…then you pick up the phone to call him. “He’s a clown, I’m done with his immaturity!” is what you say…then you race to text him back. That man is the second coming of the father who didn’t want you. If you can make this asshole fall in love, it will prove that you’re special, that you do have the magic to make a man stay and act right, unlike your sweet, but basic, mother.

Maybe it’s not the damage from Dear Old Dad that has you out here doing dumb shit like paying for your own Uber, letting guys borrow money, and agreeing to situationships. It may have nothing to do with your family at all. It’s your low self-esteem, your lack of confidence, the anxiety and overthinking that takes a positive thought and turns it negative until you suck your teeth and give up. Negative Nancy, you have a solution for everyone’s problems, but you can’t solve your own. That self-loathing that you feel makes you just as weak as those women with Daddy Issues. At least with those ladies, they can come to grips therapeutically and reset that childhood. You don’t even know where to start because you never address your insecurity. Is it your face? Is it your waist size? Is it the other women you compare yourself to or those who teased you when you were younger? Is it a combination of the physical things you see as “ugly” that make you stay in the house and pretend that you give up on love, only to be lured out by the first guy that shows you affection?

To become dick whipped you need to have cracks in your armor. Male manipulation doesn’t work on fully secure women. You need to be mentally weak in certain areas. That’s what men love more than anime, the control over a weak bitch like you. Go ahead and brag about how you’re mean, you’re hard, you’re no-nonsense, and guys know not to come at you sideways. Now that you’re done lying. Think back to when you let a man into your life, and he treated you just as typical as any other woman with an open heart and anxious vagina. You’ve all been gamed. It’s not because his dick was an Infinity Stone, it was because you got lost in your need to feel love. A man pounding your pussy. Eating your ass. Sucking your neck. Looking into your eyes while you ride it… that makes you feel like you’ve won. It’s lust, it’s passion, it’s a drug high. But you don’t care. It felt perfect, and you want to have that all the time, so you allow that man to give you what he feels you deserve as opposed to what you’re worthy of.

Know why we throw the best dick in the women we barely like? Because hate fucking allows us to have, the energy of DMX spitting a verse after smoking two rocks! I remember when I was around 15 and an older cat flirted with a girl around my age who had this big donkey booty. After she walked by, he leaned on his car and told me and my homie, “I’m going to fuck the puppy shit out of her ugly ass.” Why would a man be sexually aroused by a girl whose face was a 5 at best? Because that older man knew what we younger boys didn’t at the time, girls with low self-esteem based on a perceived physical flaw, be it a busted face or being overweight, are easy to manipulate. They won’t let go after getting dicked down because sex with them is nasty and energized. Do you understand the words that you’re reading? Men like that were raised on Iceberg Slim books, they know how to dick whip soft women who are either physically ashamed or mentally damaged from their childhood. If you think you’re ugly, it shows. If you think you don’t deserve happiness, it shows. If you don’t believe in the body you’re in or still hate the childhood you grew from, then you will always project “I’m a weak little girl” to these female and male predators who will exploit that.

SAVE YOURSELF FROM THE STRESS

Let’s take it back to the beginning. Now that you know how men operate, you know how they charm, how they pretend, and how a little vetting goes a long way in exposing these level of users, are you going change? Are you going to keep picking up the phone for that ex who you swore off because he makes your pussy moist or are you going to be better than that? Are you going to keep going to see the guy that wastes your time every weekend just to get some quick action or are you going to be better than that? Are you going to pretend you know everything about dating, then end up busting it open on the first date or are you going to be better than that? Knowledge alone isn’t power, you must actually apply it to benefit from it! Stop running into the arms of men that only want you for the night. Stop fronting like you’re using them for sex, because not too deep inside you know damn well you were put on this earth to get something lasting, not be a fling. “It’s too complicated, it’s too hard, just tell men to stop dogging us out, boo-hoo-hoo” That’s the Basica in you trying to fight the truth that your salvation is in your own hands. You alone, control who you spread your legs for. You alone must make better decisions or forever be that woman that’s dumb over dick.

Pussy Power will forever be stronger than Dick Power, so it’s time you learn step by step how to use it. Read my all-new Deluxe Edition of The Unicorn Delusion. Now on Kindle… Click HERE

This book will make you uncomfortable. It will upset the balance of your life. It will kick you in the ass, and it will push your buttons until you finally do something about your problems. This isn’t a self-help book for snowflakes who want to learn how to enchant men with corny gimmicks, text like a teenager, submit to males, or discover the love language of these users and abusers. This is a hard, unflinching, punch to the gut that will break you out of your old typical habits and show you step by step how to reset your life by becoming a confident, take no prisoners, warrior Queen. No matter if you’re single, in a relationship, married, or going through a divorce, it’s time to flip that switch and regain power over your life. 9 Unique Chapters comprised of all the material you need to break out of your weak bitch ways! The Unicorn Delusion is a fast and furious crash course in how to change your life by tomorrow.

Thanks for reading Are You Dick Whipped?

Black Girls Are Easy

First off, thank all of you for making last week’s release of The Unicorn Delusion a Kindle best seller. I’m taking a short vacation (I know, I know, but you can still email me here, plus you have the archives and my books to keep you on your Spartan toes).

Anyway, I have a great Guest Writer filling in this week who I hope many of you can relate to…

NEFARIOUS BLISS aka @PleaseImpressMe, a young woman who runs the website Nefariousbliss.com. Today she will open herself up to give you the female perspective on a question most of you are struggling with:

Should You Keep Working Through It

or Are You Wasting Time?

What is it about change that is so intimidating? While some people embrace change, be it by design or the unexpected, others curl up and hide from the thought of their status quo being rattled. I get it. Life is unpredictable, and the universe has a way of flipping your whole life upside down in a matter of moments. So, of course, to not feel completely powerless to forces outside our control, we hold on tight to the things in our lives that remain constant: familial ties, a career, friendships, relationships, etc. The issue here is that we can get so comfortable in these situations that it is easy to become blinded by the familiarity and stagnate ourselves. So many preach about “Staying Woke” to what is going on in the world yet are deeply asleep when it comes to their own lives.

Romantic relationships are a great example of people getting comfortable and resisting change. Why stay committed to a relationship that no longer fulfills you? The answer is simple: the thought of starting anew with someone else is terrifying. While men go through this too, so many women have an underlying fear of being alone. There is a stigma associated with women being perpetually single. It’s stupid, but it exists nonetheless. Don’t do yourself a disservice by letting a comfortable situation impede your happiness. Comfort does not equal fulfillment. Change is hard, but looking back on your life ten years from now and realizing you wasted your best years on a dud will be much harder.

Leave, sis. Does not apply to women in abusive situations or other scenarios where leaving isn’t as simple as just throwing up the peace sign and rolling out, but it that shoe does fit for so many others who can literally cut a man off tomorrow but have chosen not to. There is no point to enslave yourself to a toxic or bleak situation just because you are afraid to be alone or to be seen as a cat lady. Still, a large chunk of the population remain slaves to relationships they can walk away from but refuse to. Stay for the kids. Stay for the finances. Stay to keep up appearances. Stay because maybe…just maybe…things will go back to how they were in the beginning. No matter how you try to rationalize staying in a failing relationship, you possess the intelligence and the power to move on and start over. The insanity is that you refuse to use either to better your life. Now or in the past, you were guilty of staying in that comfort zone despite claiming that you love yourself too much. Now or in the past you were guilty of giving out one too many chances to someone that didn’t deserve you. Now or in the past you allowed “I wouldn’t put up with that,” to morph into, “I can’t believe I fell for that.” It’s time to break that cycle.

It Is Not 1918

If Kanye West argues that slavery was a choice, imagine what he would say about women of the recent past? Some of our mothers and grandmothers were forced to stay with a man they couldn’t stand; abusive men, no-good men and so on and so forth because they did not have the freedom to control their own destiny as we do today. Maybe your own inner-Yeezy is currently swearing that those women had the freedom to walk away, so allow me to enlighten you. Prior to World War II, the average woman did not work. It was not socially acceptable, as a woman’s place was in the home and a man’s out in the workforce. This was possible due to the economy of the time. If you could not support yourself financially without a husband, what were your options for leaving? Zilch, unless you were into homelessness. Imagine being a Black woman; even after women in the workforce became normalized, the jobs still went to White women first. Either way you were underpaid and undervalued, so the husband remained the breadwinner.

Let’s add insult to injury: divorce was often not an option, whether you had the means to make it on your own or not. You couldn’t just run to the court and file for divorce on the grounds of irreconcilable differences. The courts wanted a valid reason, such as adultery, abuse, mental illness, etc. You proved your reasoning to be valid? Great. Now you have to prove that you did not contribute to the issue. Even if you were lucky and the courts granted you a divorce, what are you going to do with yourself? I am convinced this was the birth of the “Stand By Your Man” logic. Having any husband was better than having no husband and being judged by the outside world for leaving said husband. Really think about this. It didn’t matter if he came home drunk and slapped you up every night, leaving seemed much scarier. Women of the time made the best of the situation because they had minimal options to enact change. When you’re forced to stand by your man, you convince yourself maybe his irresponsible or abusive behavior isn’t so bad and carry on for the sake of the children. Although it wasn’t intentional, these macabre traditions became ingrained in the minds of women generation after generation. Our situations are not the same as the women who came before us, we truly have a choice—so what’s your excuse? Your great-grandmother’s fear of leaving stemmed from a need to survive. Yours comes from having to go back out into the dangerous world of dating.

Working Through It

or Wasting Your Time?

Broke Brian has been struggling since you met him and the loyal woman in you keeps helping him out of jams, but it’s caused resentment on both sides. Do you keep working on it or walk away? Moody Mark has a habit of raising his voice and throwing insults at you, but it doesn’t happen all the time. Do you keep working on it or walk away? Naïve Nate keeps putting everyone from his mother to his friends before you, he doesn’t mean any harm, but you are constantly treated like #2. Do you keep working on it or walk away? How do you decide which traits are worth working through when you’re in love with a person? The loyal woman inside of you will convince you that real love doesn’t give up, and that’s where 99% of you will mess up. Few men will put up with a woman’s negatives, but the majority of women will compromise their own happiness to keep that same man comfortable. Smells like a hustle to me.

An essential part of being an adult is doing what is best for yourself, even if it’s hard. A smart adult can discern who and what deserves her energy, effort and patience. No relationship is perfect, but perfection is not the goal. Humans are inherently selfish, and when entering into a romantic partnership, difficulties will arise no matter how madly in love you are. You are managing your own wants and needs while also trying to attend to someone else’s. This dynamic is bound to cause friction every now and then. Have your “every now and then’s” turned into “all the time’s?” So many relationship problems stem from just plain ol’ incompatibility. If you are not compatible with the person you claim to love, there is no amount of working through it that can be done to salvage the relationship. We have been brainwashed by these sappy love songs and movies to think love is supposed to hurt and you will come out stronger together once you’ve fought off all the demons plaguing your union. This is fake news, beloved. Love is not supposed to be 15% happiness and 85% agony. Stop subscribing to the madness. You can’t work through problems such as habitual cheating, narcissism and general disrespect. It is not your job to take a person of low character and turn him into a stand-up guy.

Red Flags

Whoever coined the phrase “experience is the best teacher” was no liar. To this day, my mom tells me that if I would just listen to her, I would save myself a lot of trouble. As I’ve gotten older, I know this to be true, as she has amassed copious amounts of wisdom throughout her life. However, every now and then, I still have to learn the hard way and try things out for myself in the hope that my outcome will somehow differ from what she told me I could expect. Most of us do not listen to our elders when it comes to making choices, it’s just a part of growing up. The harder lessons come when we fail to learn from our mistakes and refuse to listen to our own gut feelings.

There have been so many times where I ignored red flags, shrugged off inappropriate behaviors and allowed myself to be used and taken for granted. By failing to speak up and create boundaries, I became a star contributor to my own unhappiness. After all, people will treat you however you allow them to. I assumed that by being verbal and commanding respect, I would just end up pushing him away and end up alone. Of course I knew that being alone was preferable to not being treated in the way I deserved, but I didn’t walk it like I talked it. In a nutshell, I was all bark and no bite.  I have taken many trips down the rabbit hole of naivete, and after many detours and mishaps, I finally found the exit. I no longer try to force things to work that aren’t working. I no longer give multiple chances. I have ceased giving people the benefit of the doubt. You have to know when you are fighting an uphill battle and let it go. I’ve been in the dating game for 10 years now, and through all the frogs, here are the main red flags (in no particular order) I run from like I am Usain Bolt, and you should too:

Inconsistency: To put it simply, if a man is inconsistent, he just doesn’t like you, beloved. It does not mean he does not like you as a person, but romantically, he’s just not vested. I spent way too much time listening to and accepting excuses when I should have just told him to kick rocks. Wishy-washy people have the ability to drive you mad because their unpredictable behavior takes away any semblance of control you may have had over the relationship. You can’t trust an inconsistent person with your feelings, time or emotions.

I’m not looking for a relationship: As a grown ass man or woman, it is essential to have the foresight to determine if the person you are infatuated with has you headed for a Situationship. This line is usually the one that lets you know you have failed at uncovering his true intentions. If you truly spend time getting to know a person, 9 times out of 10 you will be able to discern if they are just here to spread your legs and play with your time or if they are as emotionally open as you are. There was this guy I really liked several years ago. I knew he wasn’t someone I would be compatible with long-term, yet I continued to test the murky waters. He was inconsistent, flaky and told me he just wanted to be single. 3 months later he entered into a relationship and had a child. He just wasn’t into me and I should have accepted that instead of playing myself.

Attitude Problems: Attitude problems are a HUGE no-no. I’ve dealt with men who had volatile attitudes to the quieter, passive-aggressive type, and for a long time after I got rid of each one, I asked myself why I didn’t run for the hills at the first sign of danger. You can’t fix someone’s poor attitude, and it is not your job to. There is no amount of talking, reasoning or fighting back that will cure assholeness. Not a walking soul on this flawed earth is worth throwing your peace of mind to the wayside in exchange for mental, physical and/or emotional abuse. If you have any type of support system around that can assist in transitioning out of a toxic environment, use it without shame!

Everyone’s deal-breakers are different, and I have others that I won’t go into because it would possibly span 10 pages explaining my reasoning behind them all. Long story short, if you become involved with someone, only keep them around if they contribute to your joy, not rob you of it. It doesn’t mean you cut him off because he leaves his socks everywhere or snores too loudly. Everyone has their quirks. Listen to that little voice in the back of your head. Your consciousness is always trying to connect with you and keep you aware of when you need to enact change and do what is best for yourself. Dwelling on the fear of loneliness, fear of being judged, or fear of starting over is futile; you only get one chance at this life and time flies. Protect your energy and only allow those who have proven themselves worthy to experience all the wonderful things you have to offer.

–Nefarious Bliss xoxo

Thanks for reading Leave, Sis – Working Through It or Wasting Time

Black Girls Are Easy

If you never understood how an abuser could make a victim feel like the one in the wrong, then read the below email.

“I’m currently in a relationship approaching the two year mark. **** my boyfriend, is a great friend and provider, I never have a want as he looks out for me in ways my exes have never. So why am I writing you then? I was recently introduced to your book and your break down of Hot and Cold men really bothered me. **** fits your description. At least once a month, he gets in moods where he’s not himself. He pushes me away. He brings up my past (I cheated on my high school boyfriend and I was abused by my son’s father) in a way that makes me out to be a horrible person. In the past he’s nicknamed me cheater then later says it’s a joke knowing that it’s a sensitive topic. He once said he understood why I used to get smacked because I like to have the last word. He took it back and said he was joking and that I need to get over myself. In addition to this he seems to keep a list of everything he does (and pays) for me and doesn’t hesitate to bring it up. I’m not stupid, I know he’s doing these things because of his moods not because I am a bad person. My question is given what you wrote in the book, could there be an exception to your reasoning for this behavior? Could I be triggering him to go cold by not being an equal partner financially or with my behavior? My mother says my attitude is my biggest flaw and that I will push a good man to his breaking point if I don’t correct this. I can give you more details if you would like but could you tell me if you’ve seen cases of Hot and Cold being a reaction, not just a case of a guy playing games because that’s not the case here…”

As you can see by that email I received, Mindfucking is alive and well. There are so many women in relationships who are being driven to insanity by toxic males who have figured out the greatest manipulation trick ever invented—Gaslighting. Push and Pull. Being hot and cold. Habitual lying. Twisting and re-framing reality. Turning people against you. Saying they want a woman that thinks and acts like you, only to try and change you. Doing you dirty, then making you think you’re the crazy one at fault…. These are only a few tactics used to break even the strongest women down to their most basic level until they become fearful, docile, and utterly dependent on their abuser. This defanging process happens so slowly that most women who I’ve talk to don’t even know they’re being gaslit until I point it out with specific examples from their own stories. How do you spot this in your own relationship when you’re blinded by love and chained by loyalty? How do you escape a situation when you’ve been told you can’t do better? How do you guard against Gaslighting at the early stages of dating before you’re too far gone? Keep reading, because you’re about to get a Spartan Crash Course in how to become immune to the games.

The Signs of Gaslighting

Too Good to Be True: The first 2-4 months of a relationship is where users bait and hook you. There’s a concept called “Love Language” a philosophy that dictates that everyone has a trigger that hits their internal wants and makes them feel loved. A lot of women need words of affirmation, quality time, or gifts to feel special. Players aka Dickticians sniff this out. Here you are coming from a relationship where a man never bought you shit or a family life where your parents never told you verbally how great you are. Now you’re presented with a man who is buying you small gifts starting with the second date. Who is complementing your intelligence and affirming this idea that despite your flaws you are special. What happens after a month of someone pushing all the right buttons in terms of this so-called Love Language? YOU FALL HEAD OVER HEELS QUICK! The fucked up thing is, you don’t know it’s a hustle. You’re not a stupid girl, but you are a naïve woman. 90% of the women I meet have holes they try to mask with ego. When a man pours what you assume is genuine love and affection into that hole, you drop your guard. You over-like him based on what he’s saying and doing, and from there you assume this is who he is—One of the Good Ones. Ignorant to the reality that you don’t know anyone until you put in real time vetting them.

After a Dicktictian hooks you with those first months of being too good to be true, the mask will slowly come off. Those sweet things slowly stop. He’s no longer dating you, he’s hanging out with you. In your mind, it’s all good because you don’t need to be courted, you’re past that. He’s no longer treating you to things just because, it’s either you having to ask or not at all. Again, you don’t care because in your mind he’s already proven he values you buy the shit he was doing in the beginning. The final transformation is in how he begins to talk to you. At first it was, “baby this baby that” now he has a short fuse with you, sucks his teeth, and always makes a side comment about how you act as if you’re the most annoying person in the world. At this point its months in, you’ve most likely had sex, you’ve told friends and family about how great he is, you’re posting about him on social media, and you won’t go back on all that praise just because he’s starting to act funny. Spoiler Alert: He’s not acting funny, he’s being his true self. The fact that you don’t make a big fuss about this or point out the change solidifies that his bait and hook worked. You are now primed for Gaslighting because you are blind to the red flags.

Bald Faced Lies: One of a woman’s favorite lines is, “I can’t stand liars” yet when you kick the tires of her relationships all the men she loved were big fucking liars. The next step in Gaslighting is to establish a world of Alternative Facts. Dickticians will lie straight to your face about stupid shit to test you. Are you the woman that will call out a lie and put her foot down, or will you let a lie go to avoid an argument? Don’t answer that, because the shit you say in your head is make believe. The real answer plays out like this…

Dick tells Jane that he’s going to bed early because he had a long day at work. Jane really wanted to see Dick that night, but she understands the need for sleep. Jane is up playing on IG and sees a video of Dick out having drinks with his friends. They’re turnt all the way up—what the fuck happened to needing sleep? Jane is pissed because Dick could have just said he was having a boy’s night and didn’t want to come over, he didn’t have to lie about it. Jane confronts Dick and Dick snaps at Jane like she’s the one in the wrong for blowing his day with nonsense. “So, I can’t go out? The fellas hit me when I was in bed, I didn’t want to go but it was Jeff’s birthday.” Jane knows Dick is full of it, but the way Dick came off—aggressive and annoyed, has bitch checked her. Jane doesn’t want to start a big beef with a man she’s head over hills with over something this silly. What does Jane do? You guessed it, she lets it slide.

When a woman lets an obvious lie slide, that tells the Manipulator that she’s weak and fearful. She’s so in love or in like at this stage that she would rather be lied to than to make that man angry aka This Basica Needs A Man More Than Honesty. Next it escalates. Dick goes places and turns his phone off then says he had no signal, yet Jane can see he’s liking IG pictures during that time. Dick will make an excuse about not having money to go on a date or to do an activity, but he will buy something he wants. Dick will go off and do what he feels then say, “Oh, I told you I was going out of town this weekend,” knowing damn well he didn’t, but will argue it until you’re like—damn did he tell me? Dick will even get caught going after other women, yet he will maintain that it was innocent, and Jane is the one that’s crazy. Through each of these lies, Jane gets mad, but she doesn’t leave. She threatens, but she doesn’t act. Proof for any man looking to control a woman, that you’re not a Spartan, you’re a Weakling.

Dick isn’t stupid, he knows how to hide his dirt, but he doesn’t want to. Ladies, this is where many of you fuck up. You think men are stupid, that they’re not hip to how to lie correctly—wrong. Dickticians know that you will find out, they want you to call them out, because by making you feel in the wrong they can get away with more. A woman who keeps taking a man back after a lie proves that she’s too far gone to ever leave him, which gives a user the confidence to do more dirt. In the end the Gaslighting works because you’re crying about honesty and he’s telling you you’re just paranoid. You suck it up and blame your trust issues for him having to lie, but he’s the asshole that’s created the trust issues by lying. See how that works? Genius, right?

Playing Dumb: Let’s say you figured out that this man you’re in love with is trying to play you for a fool and you bring receipts to call him out on the game he’s playing. The ultimate response to a woman that’s trying to break free of Gaslighting is to PLAY DUMB. The psychology of love dictates that the person with the strongest feelings doesn’t want to leave, they just want things to go back to how they once were. Meaning that mentally, even though you’re calling him out for his lies or actions, you don’t really want to lose him. By playing dumb a User gives you an out to stay with the devil you know.

Example, Dick gets caught taking another girl to the movies. Not only did Jane find two ticket stubs, she saw the girl post something online about “when bae makes date night special” …da fuck!? Dick is caught red handed so he goes on the defensive, “That’s Ben’s cousin he was supposed to go but couldn’t, so I did him a favor.” The lie doesn’t really work, so he keeps going, “If I knew it would hurt you I would have said no, I didn’t know she would post online like it was a date.” Then the last step is to shift blame. “You know how these bitches are, they’re messy and love to ruin relationships.” By playing ignorant to the act of dating then pretending he didn’t know how it would make his girl feel he paints himself out to be just a foolish man-child who deserves pity not scolding. Most women are smart enough to see this trick when it’s someone else going through it, however they buy it when their own relationship is on the line. Maybe he is dumb… Yes, girls are trifling… why not give him a second chance just in case… Dick wins by playing dumb because the Gaslighting has already taken hold. This is a good man, who just got fooled, and she would now be the stupid one to break up over something that can be corrected…or so she thinks.

Using Your Past Against You: Ladies, what do you do when a man sweeps you off your feet? …besides reward him by throwing epic neck? You overshare. It’s so easy to drop your guard when someone is speaking your Love Language and fulfilling your fantasy of what a real man should be. Being comfortable leads to confessions. You talk about your ex boyfriends, your childhood, your dreams and your regrets all on deeper levels than you did during the first few dates because he’s earned your life story. Cheating or being cheated on, abuse or drug use in your family, friends that betrayed you and friends who you still have but don’t really trust—it’s all laid out. Asking you about your wild college days, if you ever had a one night stand, if you ever kissed a girl, the times your family let you down, it sounds innocent, like he’s trying to get to know you better but he’s doing recon. A Dicktician listens for the embarrassing parts of your life story, the shit you’re still sad about, or the past events that still define you. I’ve met women who used to strip or who are bisexual tell me some fucked up tales about how guys were cool with it at first, then began to call them everything from dykes to prostitutes months later. These type of men file your stories away as ammunition, and you have no idea what’s coming until the insults start to fly.

Let’s go back the woman above who wrote me that email. She cheated in high school, a teenage mistake that most people make. In her mind she did a bad act that Karma would come around and make her pay for. A lot of you feel this way, you make mistakes and in some fucked up Judeo-Christian way of thinking swear you must pay for your past with present misery. In comes her boyfriend, who knew the way to keep her obedient was to remind her that she was a cheater, that she still had to make amends, and treat him like a God because a cheater like her doesn’t really deserve him. Think about this! It’s mental warfare and few women can see through it! Next up he pointed out her history of being physically abused by the father of her child. Psychologically she’s now thinking, “Did I deserve it? Did I cross the line and need to be hit? If I were a man I would hit me too.” Her boyfriend was breaking down her walls of self-confidence, making her see herself not as a woman worthy of respect, but as a loud mouth brat who deserved to be taken down a notch… and it worked.

Highlighting Your Insecurities: Now that your life story is exposed to scrutiny the next step in Gaslighting is ripping open your insecurities. The compounding attack of “look at your fucked up life and all the things you caused to happen” mixed with “Look at how much better other people are than you,” is a deathblow to a woman’s self-esteem. Let’s face it, everyone has something they’re not happy with about themselves, many people have multiple things. When you ignore your insecurities, they fester and when someone points them out, it triggers anxiety or depression. The only way to rise above either is to do the work internally to fix yourself before someone exploits you. Easier said than done, because at the root of these issues is the thought that maybe you are weak, stupid, ugly, fat, annoying, basic, or whatever it is that you’re running from.

Gaslighting isn’t fueled by lies, it’s fueled by half-truths that they twist into full truths to force you into a sunken place. Back to Dick and Jane. Jane’s last boyfriend broke her heart and ended up married to another woman within a year of their breakup. Jane obsessed over this for months, and even created a fake page to stalk the other woman. Jane’s attractive, but she’s honest enough to say that this new girl is more attractive. Jane kept this to herself until one night she confessed it to Dick. Dick affirmed that she doesn’t need to compete with other women, that’s she’s a ten in his eyes—all game. What Dick did once Jane’s insecurity was revealed was to start reminding Jane how other girls looked in comparison. Music Videos, magazines, even the waitress bringing their food—she’s really pretty (aka prettier than you). Jane of course internalized that. Besides physical looks, the other tool is to compare the weakened woman with someone that’s doing better. You’re not as far along in your career as his ex-girlfriend. You don’t really have as much money as girls your same age. You’re still trying to figure out life, while other women are buying homes or forming companies. It’s a chess game, that will have a woman questioning her worth.

When Jane starts to mouth off or stands up for herself, how does Dick break her down? Bitch Checks: You’re putting on weight. Do you really need to be eating that? I see why your ex left you for that other chick. Why do you wear so much makeup? That dress isn’t flattering. What’s your IQ, you say some really dumb things. All you do is gossip and play on the internet. Nobody wants you but me… Remember these things are said over time, sometimes months apart, but they chip away until a woman feels fat, ugly, and dumb. By the time the relationship is in full swing, Jane feels she can’t leave because Dick will turn around and do what her last man did, give another more deserving woman the ring.

The Best Apologies: A man should apologize by changing his behavior, not by flapping his gums. Promises don’t mean shit and “sorry” isn’t worth the oxygen it takes to say it. Yet, when you’re being Gaslighted common sense goes out the window because you want to believe you can go back to the beginning. He will treat you like it’s your first month of dating and hit those Love Language triggers. You go from blocking him, to lifting your hips up while he slides your panties off for make up sex. Now you feel glowy inside and ride that wave until the next time he blows up on you. Dickticians know you don’t want to start over with a new man, all you want to do is feel loved again by the same man that you’re comfortable with, and this is why they kiss ass so well. Gifts, flowers, surprise dates, calling your family or friends to tell them how you feel, posting affirmations of love publicly. You’re taught that these things mean that a person has changed, but that’s the miseducation of living in a world full of Basicas. A person doesn’t change overnight! Materialistic gifts or shallow out pours are done to stroke your ego. If he truly gave a fuck about you, he would be having discussions about why he did what he did, not trying to nod along and get you to sweep it under the rug.

Using Your Friends/Family Against You: The mask that a Manipulator wore when he first courted you still comes out when he’s trying to get something from you, apologize for something he did, or when company is around. When a man buddies up to your mother or grandmother to the point where he’s going out of his way to do favors for them, you must keep a watchful eye on that relationship. Users know that when things get rough women vent to their girlfriends and whatever maternal figure is available. The girlfriends are easy marks because all he has to do is let you show off. If he buys you things or takes you somewhere exotic, you’re going to tell your girls, they’ll envy it, and think he’s a catch. If you talk about leaving him, they’ll think you’re crazy because he did so much for you. I’ve heard variations of, “Girl ain’t nothing out here, you better work through it with a man that looks out for you,” numerous times, and it works at guilting a woman to stay! Thus, a manipulators job is done without having to say a word.

With family members, it takes more effort to win them over. I once met a woman whose boyfriend paid for her mother and aunt to go back to Jamaica via a cruise. When she tried to break up with him, she talked to her mother who usually had great advice. This time she was tainted, because moms are humans with egos too. Her mother brow beat her about all the bums she’s dated, threw her daddy issues in her face, and said she was trying to get rid of a good man because she didn’t know what to do when someone was too nice. Of course, this woman stayed for another several months, and ended up finally leaving after he nearly strangled her to death. The point is, watch how they move, and always question their motivation for buttering the ass of your friends and family.

Isolating You: Another Gaslighting trick is to get you away from your support system all together so you don’t have anyone chiming in when they see or are told about red flags. In MDLWLY I wrote about the importance of group dates or at least hanging out with other people early in the relationship. When other people ask questions, make jokes, or chime in with opinions around your boyfriend it forces him to react on the spot in ways he can’t with you. Guys with tempers or attention whores can’t stand when they’re not the center of your attention and you will see a shift. Guys who are looking to talk down to you or control you, won’t say anything in mixed company they’ll wait until the drive home, and that’s usually a sign that he’s not who he seemed one on one.

What a man attempting to Gaslight you does is skip all the social stuff so it’s always one on one. When it’s just you two and he has an overpowering personality, he can get his way. Everyone else in your life is a liar or jealous. His ideas don’t make sense, but when it’s just you he can convince you to do it. He’s asking for favors that make you feel nervous like loans or putting things in his name. If you were asking the advice of others you may think twice, but when it’s just you two, he makes it make sense until you do it. Follow me? When you live in a bubble where a man is the one creating your reality that he’s the only one that loves you and your friends and family are all out to bring you down, you stop thinking for yourself and become his puppet. There’s no outside opinion or going for help because he’s made it so that your friends think you’re fake and your family thinks you turned your back on them. Divide and Conquer—works every time.

Reminding You How Great They Are: Narcissist love to remind you about everything they’ve done to you, from the drink they brought on the second date to the time they came and picked you up from the airport. The narrative in their story is that they’re the hero saving you, the poor helpless peasant, from a world of rival men who used to fuck you and fallback. You’re not that smart, you’re not that pretty without makeup, and your career is going nowhere. They’re the one that sees something in you, they’re the ones looking out for you, they could do better than you, but they stick it out. The words “appreciate” and “be grateful” are a manipulators favorite go to lines. All of these things are throw in your face subtly at first, then it increases every time you step out of line or dare to start an argument.

Example, Jane tells Dick that she feels that he’s growing distant and that their relationship has hit a road block. Dick doesn’t want to lose his puppet so he Dr. Strange’s that shit and goes into the past: He tells her how he used to take her out to all those fancy places. He mentions the money or gifts he gave her. He then points out how her friends are single and jealous. Then the icing on top is to compare himself to all the other men out there. “I’m not out here cheating on you like Kim’s boyfriend, am I? Name one man who’s done half of what I’ve done for you since we’ve been together? You want to be back on Tinder dating a bunch of clowns?” Jane is now scared straight because Dick uses the example that the grass isn’t greener to keep her right in his fucking yard like the obedient bitch he has trained her to be. The sad thing is it works.

Guilting: I didn’t do it, but if I did you deserved it. That never happened, stop making shit up… okay so it happened, but it’s because you did such and such to me first. I don’t tell you anything because you always overreact. Your attitude all goes back to your mother and father’s relationship. The moment a man deflects his negative actions by pointing out something you do then the writing is on the wall that you need to walk away. The only Baecation these bums are going to ever take you on is a Guilt Trip. Argument after argument they will wear you down with “Okay I did that, but you do this,” until you start to believe you’re the reason for your own unhappiness and they’re just innocent bystanders. Guilt is also a tool used when you threaten to break up or leave. “I’m going to kill myself, and you don’t even care.” Or “You’re going to let everything we built end like this? I knew you never loved me.” And finally, the ultimate weapon, “You must have someone else on the side, that’s why you can leave me so easily.” Men are hip to the core of the guilt game—Women don’t want to hurt or abandon those they love so they hold tight even as that person drags them under.

Ghosting: When a woman is too head strong, too independent, too hard to break, or suddenly tries to Spartan Up on a Dicktician there is one last Gaslighting tactic that works—The Fallback. What do women covet most of all? Transparency. The reason the average girl chases after guys that reject them more than guys that ride their clits is because of a need to know, “Why don’t you want me like everyone else?” When a man doesn’t text back after a date—what went wrong what did I do? When a man doesn’t reach out after sex—what went wrong was I not good? When a man you’re dating becomes distant and doesn’t communicate as frequently—what is going on, did I do something? It’s always YOU YOU YOU. Women race to take accountability for turning a man off, never realizing that it’s not them, some guys are just assholes that never wanted them from the jump. In a relationship where a man has built up equity, Ghosting is a great way to tighten his grip on your mind. Falling back could be the result of an argument or I could be the culmination of you stepping out of the weak role he’s trap you in, regardless of the reason, it goes a little something like this…

Jane hasn’t been texted all day by Dick, so she calls, no answer. Dick does the same thing the next day, so Jane panics and reaches out, this time with anger. Ah-ha! Now Dick can respond back, “That’s the problem, you always overreacting. I need time to myself.” See, boys and girls, the name of the game is to wait for the other person to paint themselves as the bad guy by being hostile. That way you can point it out on the spot and play the victim. Next Jane reaches out with an apology. She’s had time to think, and she did overreact, so she asks for his forgiveness and thinks they should meet and talk. At this point a normal dude would rush back in, but when you’re Gaslighting a woman, it’s not about speed it’s about bringing her to her knees, so she will never rebel again. Dick maintains that he needs time and Jane should respect that. At this point Jane could react by talking to other men or focusing on work in order to stop thinking about him, but none of that will work. As I laid out above, a woman must know what she did wrong or her anxiety will drive her crazy. It’s no longer about the argument or her snapping, she’s fearful that this man she’s fallen for doesn’t want her anymore because she hasn’t been a good enough girlfriend.

Sound familiar? So many women claim, “I’m the best kind of girlfriend,” but, they don’t know if they’re wifey material until a man wifes them. When a guy Ghosts it cuts deep into their ego that they don’t have what it takes to keep a man. The Ghosted woman will lose all pride and dignity and virtually beg for a man to come back or let him come back without any explanation for his actions because she can’t take rejection on that level. In the end, Dick is back in Jane’s life, and this time she’s even more subservient because Dick proved that he can live without her, but she can’t live without him.

Guarding Against Gaslighting

The Early Stage: Some of you will read through these signs and think, “fuck it, I’ll just be content with my showerhead and Kindle, men play too many games,” but that’s not the solution. You deserve to be loved and you will find love, but you have to be Spartan enough to play this game like a Goddess not a little girl that just wants to get married. Dating isn’t a race, it’s an interrogation. I’ve filled books with this stuff, so I won’t dwell. The overall idea is to take it slow with each man you date, especially those that jump out the gate as too good to be true. Even if you aren’t dating multiple men, you should never be so consumed by one man that you give him the impression that you are his for the taking. Manipulators don’t waste time with women that are too difficult to hustle or who don’t have a deep want for attention. Meaning that those first few months of him wearing that mask is a result of seeing something in you during those first few dates that tell him you’re a mark, so frontload your first few dates and show him you’re not the one to be toyed with nor some bird looking for a “daddy” to love.

A male User knows the signs of a woman looking desperately for love the same way a woman using Ho Tactics knows when a mark is ripe for the picking. Most people wear their insecurities on their sleeves and don’t even know it. Your attitude, your opinions, the way you kiss at the end of a first date, the fake-ass playing hard to get stuff you do before sex, it’s all typical of a weak woman. Know yourself. Know the signs of Gaslighting. Ask questions. Make a man work…then make him work some more. Point out Red Flags in the moment, not days later. Challenge a man’s opinions on things, don’t just nod along. If he tries to guilt you, tells a bald faced lie, or attempts to make you feel confused about what he said, then that’s a sign that you need to walk away. I don’t care how handsome he is, how much money he has, or who recommended him as a good guy. He will test you early to see what he can get away with, so don’t give him the satisfaction. If he sees you’re more work than expected and that you’re not some timid Basica thirsty for love, he will fallback. This is the ultimate goal with all men, either they hold up to your interrogation and prove themselves or they walk away. Don’t just focus on what they’re saying, the actions have to match their words, and I’m not just talking about hollow shit like good morning texts and pulling out your chair on a date. In a given three week period are they walking like they were talking on day one? Stop trying to make it easy for men to date you, stop trying to turn down your attitude, stop trying to be less picky! Dare any man who wants you to put in work to get you. “I’ll be alone forever if I don’t play the part of a doormat,” are the kinds of women that get fucked over on a regular basis. You are a fucking Spartan, you don’t impress easy.

The Late Stage: Some of you just realized you’re in a fucked up relationship. Congratulations, knowing is half the battle, but you’re not out of the woods yet. Months, even years of psychological torture and condition can’t be overturned in a day. The ball is now in your court to break free. The first step is seeing this man as DICK, a user, a manipulator, an abuser not as a human being. Only monsters prey on someone’s loving nature to gain control over them. This idea that he’s your baby, a nice guy, a good husband, a wonderful provider, a loving father, or whatever else he’s gotten you to label him as is counterproductive to your emancipation. He’s the villain! Dehumanize him so you won’t fall into any of his emotional traps. If you continue to see the nice guy inside of him, you’ll hold out hope for change. Which brings me to the next step. Know that change isn’t coming. So many women come to me with “how do we go back to the way it was,” and 98% of the time the stories they share, show that this man is incapable of real change only pockets of playing nice until it’s time to be normal again. Accept that it’s over. Accept that what you once had was a mirage. Those good times, that fantasy that almost came true was a hustle.

The final step, at least for now, is to physically separate yourself from your abuser. You may not be able to just pick up and leave if you live together or have children together, but you can start the process of telling him that it’s gone from a relationship to co-habituating until one of you can move on permanently. For the rest of you it really is as easy as blocking him, telling friends not to talk to him, and ignoring his advances if he pops up. These men won’t give up without a fight which makes this difficult. They will push your buttons in all the ways listed above to remind you that you’re a piece of shit and that you can’t do better. PUSH THROUGH IT! They will try to sweet talk you and buy their way back. PUSH THROUGH IT! They will play reverse psychology games and show up with new girls trying to throw her in your face. PUSH THROUGH IT! The biggest insecurity will be your continued fear of failing, of having made the wrong choice by ending it with this man who swore he was your savior. Fuck him! No man of this earth is your fucking savior! You save yourself in this fairy tale! Push him out of your life, don’t back down, don’t crack, and stick to your guns!

Why You?

Remember when Kelly Rowland dropped “Dirty Laundry” and people were in shock that she allowed that kind of abuse to go on? That type of shock is a result of ignorance towards Gaslighting. It’s not just a buzzword used for movies and shitty novels about revenge, it’s a real-world epidemic where it doesn’t matter how rich, how pretty, or how smart you are, if a man sinks his claws in early on you’re fucked. There will be some people who read this and feel that if a woman allows this kind of treatment that’s on her–bullshit. Some people are predisposed to predatory behavior because they have low self esteem or come from a broken home, but it’s never YOUR FAULT. No one asks to be emotionally exploited or deserves to be mentally compromised.

There are narcissistic men out here who feed off women in weakened or desperate states because they crave power over someone who won’t fight back. It’s not bad luck, it’s not men in general, it’s not about you being too stupid to notice, Gaslighting is a calculated con game perpetrated by insecure little men who sweep you off your feet, pinpoint your insecurities, then slowly break you down until you feel like you deserve to be treated like shit. That’s what get’s their dicks hard, a broken woman that now needs him to survive. Never lose yourself in pursuit of a man’s love! No one is so Unicorn rare that you sacrifice your sanity to keep things afloat. The moment you notice them lying, bringing up your past, deflecting his issues in order to point out your flaws, or flat out questioning your sanity, you must step away. Users who prey on women know that many of you are damaged by past relationships and that you secretly blame yourself for things that you had no control over. They use your paranoia, guilt, and regret to build themselves as your last hope for happiness. Fuck that! Everyone has moments of weakness and self-doubt; those times don’t define you. Strength is built over time, setback by setback, and as you learn, you grow. The key is to face your faults, not wallow in them! You are born to be a Spartan, you will shed the skin of the past, and in the end, you will look back at the woman you used to be, not with regret but with gratitude. The process of discovering your power through the wisdom of experience is never a cakewalk. Embrace your evolution, Queen and know that while a man may bend you mentally, he doesn’t have the power to break you!

To download my books click here and Spartan Up!

Thanks for reading Ghosting, Guilting, and other Mind Games – How To Guard Against Gaslighting

Black Girls Are Easy

Lust rules everything around us. I’ve seen a girl who went from virgin one year to ten partners the next. I know a guy that emptied out his live-in girlfriend’s bank account to spend it on a new girl he desperately wanted to smash. Just last week, I received an email from a woman who swore she was too smart to get gamed, yet ended up on the heartbreaking end of a one night stand that shattered her self-esteem. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, all it takes is the right person saying the right thing at the right time, and all your sex rules and moral theories go out of the window. We all have “bodies” on our list that we’d like to forget. The irony when it comes to sex is that women tend to regret their past partners more than men. “I wish I never fucked him” is more common than “I wish I never fucked her” Why? For men, it doesn’t matter if it lasted one minute or one hour, if she came or if she rolled over disappointed. Men cum 99.9% of the time—doesn’t matter how she looks, how her body is shaped, what color she is, or how much he likes her, sex is always a victory because the result is a nut. There’s little concern over what happens after it’s over. The only time a guy has regret is if he ends up getting burnt, gets caught creeping on his girl, or if she pops up pregnant.

On the other side of the fence there are women who just want sex too, but there are even more who need a connection, need to see potential, and who obsess over “what happens next” because they don’t want to end up giving away something so special to someone who doesn’t appreciate it…or isn’t skilled enough to blow her back out as a consolation prize. A woman’s sex life is a slot machine: Small dick. Big dick but can’t work it. Cum too quick. Can’t stay hard. Too rough. Not rough enough… and the list goes on. Men talk a big game, but to hear women tell it, most can’t handle business when they finally get it. To be fair, some guys don’t care about performance, again, the nut is the win not the praise after it’s over. Still, it’s a fucked up situation. If the guy ends up becoming her boyfriend despite being trash in bed, she has to deal with being sexually frustrated in the name of love. If the guy is just a one-time thing, then she has to deal with “do I even add this nigga to my body count after that weak ass performance?” No matter if she’s looking for love or just a dick fix, sex is all risk, and often little reward for women on the dating scene. Unlike in the past, women not only have a voice when it comes to sex, they aren’t afraid to call men out. Which leads to…

I STILL BEAT, LOL

Over the past few weeks I’ve been seeing a battle of the sexes over the concept of “I Still Beat”. I’ll save you the trip to Urban Dictionary. “Beat” is slang for “have sex”. It’s a term I’ve heard since I was 16. It’s the male version of a mic drop when he’s being attacked or slandered by a woman.

GIRL: That’s Why Your Dick Little… Those Two Minutes Wasn’t Even Worth My Time… I Had to Think About My Ex to Cum!

GUY: I still Beat…

GIRL: You Still Owe Me Money You Broke Bastard… Tell Everyone How You Let Me Finger Your Ass… Don’t make me release the texts of you begging to eat my ass!

GUY: I Still Beat…

No matter if it’s an attempt to expose his weak performance or a girl looking to embarrass him with secret details of his life, all that guy has to say is– I STILL BEAT THO! It’s all about protecting the fragile male ego from being damaged and it works because we as men will nod along like, “He got you there.” The male mind puts pussy on a pedestal. Dude can be ugly, broke, suck at sports, have a hairline that starts at the top of your head… but if he’s able to get pussy, then he will always get props from other man. No matter where you grow up in America or what race you are, young boys are patted on the back for conquering women. Think about the way we talk about sex: beat, smash, crush, hit—it’s all about the male doing something to the female as if her vagina is just an object to be destroyed. Doesn’t matter if he lasted two minutes, his dick was small, he ate her ass, or any other thing a woman would use to emasculate him, the very nature that he got to stick his dick in her cancels out anything she’s yelling. Welcome to the double standard of our Universe…

“I don’t even know why I hit that. I just know I won’t wife that” -6ix9ine

Most of you will have sex before you enter a relationship. Many of you will have sex within the first two weeks because he’s cute, has potential, or he just caught you at the right time. That’s your prerogative as a grown ass woman— fuck who you want. However, the reality of dating dictates that 4 out of 5 guys you date are going to be running game, not interested in anything with you, or realize after a few conversations you aren’t what he’s looking for… cold world. Doesn’t matter if you deflect with that, “I used him too, he was just dick to me” attitude, he’s going to feel more empowered than you will, he’s going to get more props, and you’re going to be the one considered used up, despite you two both engaging in the same act. Think about how that effects your going forward. You end up dating someone the last guy knows, you tell him the truth that the guy was a lame, but the new guy is thinking, “So you let that lame beat…” You try to warn other girls not to date him, all he has to say is “She’s bitter cus I hit and quit,” and now you have a reputation.

Sex is not an equal playing field for women, it’s filled with unfair judgement and double standards. If a man has sex with a woman he’s a winner and that woman is ran through. A woman can’t say anything negative about a guy she slept with, but he can drag her for days because in our society, a woman loses value once she has sex while a man grows in prestige. It’s a calculated reaction to shame and downgrade women and a lot of these “nice guys” are closet misogynist who can’t wait to run and tell your business. You can’t afford to be nice to these clowns any longer. You deserve a man that understands that you aren’t for everybody, that you have respect for yourself, and that he didn’t “hit” he was given a gift. It’s time to up your standards, control your lust, and rethink who you allow between your legs. So, how can you win in a world that sees you as the one that gets fuck not the one who fucks? How can you avoid the embarrassment of adding to your body count with someone that wasn’t worth it? How can you date as a sexual woman and not feel like you have to use gimmicks like the 90-day rule? Simple, you Spartan the Fuck Up and use Pussy Power in your favor.

“First night, she gon’ let me fuck cus we grown/ I hit her, gave her back to the city, she home/ That was that.” – Drake

Women routinely fuck men who don’t deserve their pussy, then those same men walk out of that woman’s life with his head held high, ready to sucker the next chick. Not all men are predators, but when it’s been proven that a large percent of guys put on fronts for sex, what makes you continue to date with the same strategy that got you hurt in the past? You’re falling for every trick in the basic bitch playbook because you’re walking around with insecurities that are easy to pick apart. Texting turns to sexting. Sending cute pics turns to sending nudes. Kissing turns into breast sucking, turns into you lifting your hips up while he slides your panties off. Should I yell at the men right now and say, “Hey stop getting so much easy pussy and only date girls you actually see a future with?” No, I turn to you and say stop the insanity! Women choose who they have sex with, men are limited to who chooses them. Think about the cutest guy you know—he’s been curved. Fact. Think about a girl who you don’t think is cute at all—she can go out this weekend and get head from a dude that puts Michael B Jordan to shame. Fact. What’s the take away from this? Men are whores. They think with their dicks and their beauty standards in REAL LIFE rarely add up to the girls they like on Instagram. Men have a nerve to call women out for fucking on the first date, but they’re the ones pushing for first date sex in the first place! These are the hypocrites that you get nervous around? These aren’t Kings, these are confused little boys who shame you for having sex after they beg, spend, lie, and manipulate to get it.

DOES HE DESERVE PUSSY?

These “I still beat” clowns shouldn’t have made it to a second date let alone between your legs. If he turned out to be an immature asshole after sex, then he was one before sex. So why couldn’t you see it? Because you were blinded by his hustle.  Men have mastered the art of opening up just enough that you “think” you know them. They give you their sad family story, the bad breakup story, the ambitious business story, all manufactured to make you feel closer to him. He’s being vulnerable, so you start to open up. Earth to Basica! You don’t know this nigga. You haven’t even poked holes to see if his stories add up. You are going along for the ride and at this point you can’t blame it on anything but your own naiveté. It’s not about when you have sex, it’s about why you have sex. Cus I’m horny…Cus I didn’t want to push him away… Cus It just happened. How old are you!? The common denominator in your failed love life is you choosing the wrong men to give yourself to. If you want to stop the cycle of choosing wrong, make them jump through hopes by truly showing you who they are over time. Guys who are just after sex are littered with red flags you only see after the fact. It’s time to shine a light on their dusty asses long before you reach that level.

Mr. Potential: You finally meet a guy who has his shit together—educated, career, no kids, no drama, and he’s trying to date you, not chill with you. You thank the lord and you go into the date hoping he likes you. SMH! You’ve already lost, baby girl… Your first mistake was feeling lucky and blessed to meet someone decent. You’re a quality woman, every man you meet should fit that description. You’ve allowed your past history with men to make this new guy a Unicorn. He’s special only because your last few dates were mediocre. You’re now dating to impress, not dating to be impressed. Your weak ass fan-girl mentality becomes transparent on the actual date. This man knows he’s handsome, he knows he’s doing better than the average man that you meet, and now he knows you’re an easy target because you’re gushing over him. You want a man like him. You’ve been praying for a man like him. You’re getting older—you have to make this work. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know him or have yet to vet him, your anxiety has you high off potential and willing to fit into what he likes in order to get that happy ending.

How He Beats: It’s so easy to run game on a woman that’s afraid of losing out on you. I call it the Bait & Hit. Gas her up with the idea of you by treating her nice for a week or two. Every night before she goes to bed she’s fantasizing about being your woman, living that life with you, being a power couple or trophy wife. Every day when she’s at work and gets a text, that fantasy comes roaring back even stronger because it’s not fiction, you’re showing her that you want her just as bad. Now it’s time to move in for the kill. The next time you go on a date or hang out alone, all you have to do is go for sex. Fan-Girl’s not ready for that, but she doesn’t want to reject him. To reject a man with more potential than the last three guys she dated combined, feels like a mistake. She doesn’t want to keep looking for someone with all of your qualities. She’s sick of the rat race to find a man that has his shit together. You keep trying to fuck and she keeps buckling until she finally gives it up. In the front of the mind she desperately hopes this won’t change anything. Ha!

The woman goes through the next day nervous—is that all he wanted? Was that a test to see if you were a hoe? You live with that feeling because if you bring it up to him you’ll seem crazy and insecure. Mr. Potential got what he came for and he realizes that he got it easy. He may come back for a few more sessions, but it’s not the same. No more dates. No more deep talks. No more talking about what he’s going to do for you. The writing is on the wall. You call him out on it. He gives an excuse to keep that door to your pussy open, but you know he’s lying. Finally, he pops up with a new girl or ignores you all together and you lash out at him about how fucked up he treated you. He shrugs it off. You can’t hurt a person emotionally that was only attracted to you physically. In the end, no matter what you say—he still beat.

Mr. Communication: In a world where guys are aloof and fake busy, you finally meet one that gives you the level of attention you’ve always craved. He’s good at texting, not just to check in but to engage you. He Facetimes to talk about his day. He calls you just because. He wants to see you multiple times a week. Damn, this attention feels good! Time doesn’t bond people, contact does. To be blitzed with a person’s personality every day for two weeks creates a false sense of knowing them. You develop trust because your mind is whispering, “He wouldn’t have time to talk to anyone else, he’s always talking to me.” Trust leads to the dropping of your guard. These conversations go from the typical getting to know you chit chat, to deep talks about your life. He’s your therapist when it comes to your past. He’s your best friend when it comes to talking about the ups and downs of your day. It’s only been a matter of weeks, but you love him, lower case “l” rapidly approaching upper case “L”.

How He Beats: Security is a panty dropper. Imagine if you’re a woman that’s had to deal with male disappointment from the time you were a kid—dad, step-dads, teachers, first boyfriend, they all hurt you in some way. To meet a man who is there for you, to talk, to help, to listen, it leaves an impression no matter how long you’ve known him. Mr. Communication didn’t win you over with a fantasy of being a perfect man in terms of materialism, he won you over by being the perfect man in terms of emotional maturity and understanding. A man like that feels safe. When you two are alone and he goes for it, what excuse is there to say “no”? You know him. You trust him. You’re horny. After sex, the communication gradually begins to change. His excuses are legit at first, new job, new schedule, going out of town, it’s always some new wrinkle that throws off the old routine and you accept that. However, it never goes back to that previous routine. The texts are few and far between. The Facetimes end. The calls are non-existent. Your pride is telling you that you’re making it all up, and that it’ll go back to normal. It never does, and your emotions don’t know how to handle the lost of not only a friend but the fact that you were gamed. You muster up the nerve to send some long text message about how much of a bitch he is, you want him to know your pain. He shrugs at that text paragraph—he still beat.

Mr. Rebound AKA Mr. Brightside: A rebound isn’t reserved for a recent breakup. Many of you haven’t had dating success in years. You’re not rebounding from ONE GUY, you’re rebounding from striking out month in and month out. The Rebound guy is different from Mr. Potential because most of these guys aren’t really that amazing, they’re just there to give you what you need—affirmation that you’re wanted. That’s why I also call them Mr. Brightside. Sure, he’s broke, but he’s nice. Sure, he’s not physically appealing, but he’s stable. He’s not what you’re looking for, but he’s persistent, so he gets a shot at a woman like you that’s usually out of his league. It could be that associate from back in the day that suddenly sends you a message on social media. That guy who’s always liked you who finally gets you to agree to a date. Basically, any man that wears you down as opposed to Wows you. Where does this open mind come from? Fear. You don’t know what you’re doing out here. You don’t know how to pick men. You don’t know how to get to the ones you want, or you’ve been hurt by them. Like that chick who starts wearing Yoga pants 7 days a week, you’ve given up and are in “fuck it” mode.

How He Beats: Abstaining from sex isn’t hard when you don’t have any options. Turning down men that are lazy in their efforts or who push too hard is easy. Let’s see how you do when left alone with a man who likes you more than you like him. Nice guys empower those women who have been neglected or who are in a drought. He’s on your clit, so you feel strong and comfortable around him because unlike guys that intimidate you, there’s no need to be shy.  Mr. Brightside knows that it’s been forever since you’ve even had sex, so he’s going to push your buttons. Back message, foot message, and the classic, “let me taste it.” and at that moment of “oral sex isn’t really sex,” he’s going to slide all the way home.

After sex you’re going to run into one of the most common things I’m emailed about—I fucked a guy who I didn’t even like that much, and he had the nerve to ghost me. All that empowered Wonder Woman swag was used against you. Here you are thinking this guy is too corny, too ugly, too fat, or too broke to do better than you so he would worship you even after sex. There he was confident that women like you, lonely and bored, are easy marks. This peasant played you, so you fire back at him about all the ways he’s lame and all the ways you’re amazing. In the end, those insults roll off his back because…you guessed it—he still beat.

Mr. Thirsty: Your personality is so bomb that men chase you. Your sex game is so elite that they want to wife you. Welcome to the world of thirst. Your ego is telling you it’s all about how amazing you are, but reality has proven that there are men predisposed to be hard up due to insecurities you didn’t bother to uncover. This kind of guy can come in any form. Handsome guy, rich guy, work husband, internet crush, it doesn’t matter what mask he’s wearing. it’s only after sex do you realize that he likes you more than you like him to the point of annoyance. You know the type, he starts asking about a relationship. Uses the “L” word way too fast. Wants you to meet his family. It’s as if he’s the girl and you’re the boy.

How He Beats: Some women can spot a thirsty from a mile away and think, “Damn, imagine how pressed he’s going to be if I fuck him. I’ll pass.” Still, there are other women who enjoy the groupie treatment and ego stroke of a man acting crazy over her. You two have sex and on cue, his behavior worsens. Eventually you cut him off, but these types never go quietly. Just like the little emotional bitch he is, Mr. Thirsty will try to get revenge on you by being passive aggressive. Take to your Facebook to be messy, spreading rumors to other guys about how you get down, trying to flirt with your friends–or enemies, all while trying to get back with you. When you clap back or pull receipts telling the truth about how hard up he is for you, it ricochets. None of what you say after he tries to ruin your reputation or sabotage your love life matters to other people. You let a clown beat, so what does that make you?

THE VALUE OF YOUR VAGINA

“I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth.” -SZA

You went to high school together and you know his family—that deserves pussy? He pulled your chair out at the restaurant and paid for the meal—that deserves pussy? He took you on four dates in one week—that deserves pussy? You spent five hours having a conversation in his car—that deserves pussy? You used to talk back in the day and now he’s back and acting more mature—that deserves pussy? You met his mother and she liked you—that deserves pussy? He brought you a bag and some shoes the first week of knowing you—that deserves pussy? He hoped in your DMs then flew you out—that deserves pussy? All the other girls at work want him but he likes you—that deserves pussy? He’s a student athlete about to go to the league and he’s feeling—that deserves pussy? He’s your platonic best friend and wants more now that you’re single—that deserves pussy? You’ve talked to a lot of guys, and his energy just feels different—that deserves pussy?

You’re too damn old to be falling for basic ass game from these basic ass niggas who’s only skill set is telling hopeless romantics what they want to hear. He doesn’t like you, he wants to fuck you. He isn’t proving consistency by being nice to you for a few weeks, he’s chasing ass. Yet there you go, on another date that ends with you letting him go too far or exposed via another house date that proves you aren’t as hard to get as your Instagram captions claim you are. Pussy is priceless. It’s rewarded to the best, not given to the latest crush that gets you drunk off brown liquor. Stop sliding your panties off for these peasants for fear if you don’t give it up he’ll go find his happily ever after with the next woman. You’re competing with time, competing with other women, competing with this idea that you have to hook a man with sex for him to like you. You’re the trophy, not him! He should be trying to prove that he values you, that he respects you, that he is interested in getting to know what shaped you and how you think. What is he talking about? What is he trying to do with you? What is he revealing about himself? He’s not special, he’s just another guy in the race until he proves himself. Reclaim your power by resetting how you think about men in the first place.

These men don’t care if you don’t usually have sex this fast. These men don’t care if you’re pretty, smart, educated, a home owner, or have a phone full of guys who want you. You’re a new piece of pussy. Cry wolf talk about how men ain’t shit, but that’s not going to change the game. “Men need to appreciate us” no they don’t. You have to appreciate that what’s between your legs is invaluable! You have to look at your body like it’s billion-dollar vault that everyone is constantly trying to break into. No man is different, they’re sniffing around for the same payoff. It’s your job to keep your legs locked until they have proven themselves worthy. “I’ll use the 90 Day rule, the 3 date rule, or I’ll just wait until we’re in a relationship to have sex.” How about you drop all the bullshit gimmicks and get to know them through questions, counter-questions, seeing how they act around other people, and how they respond when you don’t fuck them the first few times they try? Men tell on themselves, they get in their feelings when they can’t have their way, and all it takes is you having the courage to make them work for sex. Be HARD, be challenging, be the kind of woman a man automatically knows is rare the moment you open your mouth. You can’t afford to wait until after sex to realize everything about this man’s personality makes your pussy dry. Learn that on these initial dates so you can make better choices!

Why is it all on the woman’s shoulders? Because you’re the ones being preyed upon! Men will never change, they will never grow up, they will never stop trying to rob you blind. It’s up to womankind to keep the locks on the door and set the standards so high that only those men who are willing to push past their own lust and initial desires get to stay in the race. You can’t afford to be too tired to date like a Spartan. You can’t get sad when the perfect guy doesn’t pass your tests. You can’t fall for his reverse psychology of “I’m not like that”. We’re all like that! Have as much sex as you want, Take him for a test drive before you commit to make sure he’s not wack, but the first step is to be selective in terms of his character. Build a friendship, not a lust-ship, and I guarantee you that 90% of the issues that ruined your last relationship will never develop under these strict rules. You may not marry the next man you sleep with but be able to look back regardless of the outcome and know that he earned it by meeting your demands.

TURN THE TABLES ON HIM

Thanks for reading I Still Beat – Exposing A Lame Before He Becomes A Sex Regret

Black Girls Are Easy

Toxic As Fuck – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

If they wanted you then why aren’t they with you? If they’re trying to build with you, then why is communication inconsistent? If they cared about you, then why is your gut screaming, “they don’t really give a fuck”? You’re a stereotype. A sucker for love. An educated fool that gets ghosted and plays dumb about what happened. A loyal soul that gets cheated on or undervalued. You give everything and get the bare minimum in return, then have a nerve to complain about it but never do anything about it. If you want more, why don’t you go get more? If that person doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve, why don’t you find someone new? If you’re so smart and know that a person is lying or full of shit, then why do you continue to entertain their nonsense? Instead, you hope, you pray, and wish upon a star that the person you’re into treats you fair. Ha! I repeat, you’re a stereotype. You’re fake-strong, fake-confident, and full of excuses as to why you can’t get your life on track. I know the real you. You’re lazy, vulnerable, and stuffed with fear. The buzz word of the day is “Toxic”. People accuse others of being toxic whenever they feel like they’re the victim. What’s really toxic is your lack of self-esteem that has you trapped in this cycle of mediocrity.

Why do you think you’re unworthy of a healthy relationship? Why do you think that love has to be a struggle? Why do you keep living in this world of delusion where you keep being nice to people that constantly show you they don’t give a fuck about your feelings? You can’t stop this unhealthy way of living because you’ve been brainwashed to settle for less. Toxic thoughts tell you that you can’t get what you want. Toxic actions keep you dating the same old types, sticking with the same bad relationship, or giving people that already disrespected you another chance. Toxic emotions have you sitting up at night depressed over your lack of results. Face it, you live everyday with toxic feelings, attract toxic people, play out toxic situations with those people, then wonder why you’re unhappy.

Fellas:  That so-called “Hoe” who is out to use you or play you, is she that good at acting or are you so hard up that you miss the red flags? Manipulators become transparent to a man with self-confidence and who isn’t high off new pussy lust but you’re a sucker flying blind because you’re chasing validation.

Ladies: That “Mr. Perfect” you met  off some dating app wouldn’t even make it to a second date with a woman who was secure in her power, but he gets to fuck you in short order only to toss you to the side because you continue to date with unaddressed insecurities that cause you to overthink, second guess, and cloud your mind long enough for a player to wreck you.

I don’t deserve this… Why is this happening… Why can’t I just be happy? You’re so full of shit! You know why life, relationship, career, and the like aren’t working out. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, if your life is a mess, it’s because your mind is a barrel of negative counter-productive and basic thoughts. I’m not trying to drag you, I’m trying to lift you back to your feet because you deserve more out of life than being wasted potential.

Fellas, Sometimes You’re Just Dick:

There are women who just want to fuck you. No dates. No texting. None of that mushy shit you’re used to from chicks who are openly or secretly looking for a boyfriend. There are also women who just want attention. Text her when she’s bored. Take her out on the weekends. Give her the feeling of being wanted so she can go brag about it. Normally these are perfect situations, all the fun none of the stress. The difference is that when a woman is in control, making the rules, and free to deal with you and a handful of other men as she chooses, jealousy sets in. Narcissistic men are nothing more than dorks who are afraid to be hurt, so they try and build up this powerful persona. When these types of men run up against a female who gives them her ass to kiss, he cracks like a fucking egg. The little Basica that’s waiting by the phone for you to call or the thirsty relationship girl that’s offering to pay for an Uber to come see you, they don’t have any power. The woman that only calls you for a dick appointment or leaves you on “read” until she’s in the mood to pick you up and play with you—she’s God. You hate that she doesn’t need you, doesn’t really want you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

We as men aren’t used to being controlled by women, it goes against every macho bone in our body and every tough talk we’ve had in the barbershop. Internally it cuts deeper than most of you probably know. She’s rejecting the idea of you as a serious option. You’re unworthy of her exclusivity. Why? Her actions spell it out, “You’re good enough to fuck or talk to, but she’s still searching for something better.” Even the defense of “I still beat,” crumbles because if you deal with a woman like this long enough, sex-lust gives way to genuine love. The fact that she’s not acting typical makes her superior to other women, and thus a Must-Have. The world is filled with over-talkative, boring ass women who are easy to get, but you want that which doesn’t want you—A Unicorn.

Tell a man he can’t have something, and he wants it 10x more. What happens when you keep chasing this woman who sees you as just another dick? Frustration sets in followed by anger. You’re pissed off at the world because she’s denying you. You’re ready to cut her off because she’s making you feel inadequate. This is where you brain waves stray from your normal behavior. In order to prove your worth to her you start acting weird. Stalking, arguing, going after other men she may be dealing with, buying her gifts, giving her money, and the list of emotional shit goes on…  I’ve gotten several emails that read, “I had to cut him off because he started getting too clingy.” Confident women with options don’t kneel like desperate birds. The moment you blow up on her, start acting jealous, or try reverse psychology—she’s ghost. Go ahead and blast off a dozen “bitches ain’t shit” tweets or write a novel under her IG pictures, it won’t change the fact that this isn’t about her—it’s about you.

Let’s list some possible causes of internal negativity: You don’t have that much money. You don’t do anything spectacular for a living. You have the same dreams or side hustles as every other generic guy. You pretend to be living large and making moves, but you’re living off borrowed money or scams. Doesn’t matter what the exact reason is, the result is that chip on your shoulder keeps growing because you have some flaw that makes upper echelon women look down on you.

Men don’t go to therapy as much as women, it’s emasculating to say you’re falling apart, so you go in alone. You smoke, pop pills, drink yourself pissy, and try to ignore your problems. The irony is that Broken & Damaged Men can still get women—ones who are just as mentally weak and insecure. In comes a woman with low self-esteem to the rescue. The overweight chick, the girl that you don’t think of as traditionally pretty, the women with kids, or the women that have been broken by past relationships. Keep in mind, you don’t want any of these ladies, you want that Unicorn who denounced you as “average”. Instead of loving or appreciating these women that see the greatness in you, those toxic emotions lead to resentment. You don’t want her fat ass, her ugly ass, her passed around ass, her bi-polar ass—Listen to those negative thoughts. You’re projecting hate towards them because you hate yourself for not feeling good enough. As a result, you mistreat these women, you unfairly judge these women, and you use these women in the same way you got used because they’re Placeholders. Your toxic mind attracted that and will keep attracting it until you right the wrongs of your own negative thoughts.

Ladies, Sometimes You’re Just Pussy:

It’s easy for a woman to fake confidence on the internet, at work, or during that first week or so of dating. Your attitude pushes you forward and protects you from scrutiny. You talk slick, you dress nice, you can be funny, and you can be deep. But what happens when someone sees through your weak ass self-esteem and little girl toughness? Experienced men test ALL WOMEN. I’ve written books about this process, but in the end so many women still fall victim because they think with common sense, but don’t date with it. How will you react when he pushes for a house date? How will you react when he pushes you for sex and he barely knows you? How will you react when he makes a comment about your weight, your hair, how another girl looks compared to you? How will you react after he showers you with attention and pipe dream promises only to fallback? Don’t lie and say you will react in the right way 10 out of 10 times. All it takes is that ONE GUY who is everything you’re looking for to do one of those things, and you’ll respond in the same basic way as those women you make fun of do. I can give you all the game in the world, and you will still allow “your type” to slip through your defenses.

Who is the real you? Are you this amazing woman who just had a weak moment or are you a weak woman who only has spurts of being amazing that she can never live up to? You consistently come off like just another chick who a man thinks is only good for sex because that’s how you see yourself. Look inside your brain. Are you as pretty as you want to be? Are you as smart as you wish you were? Are you as interesting as those girls in the YouTube videos you watch? Are you as strong emotionally as you hope? No. One of these things or several of these things bother the fuck out of you because your entire personality, image, and way of life is based on a false projection. It’s only when a man disrespects you, another girl insults you, or your bank account balance humbles you that you’re forced to accept the fact that you’re not happy with who you are. Each day you look for someone to point a finger at, someone doing worst than you to gossip about, or numb yourself by scrolling social media or shopping for shit you think will make you feel better about yourself. None of it works.

“Everyone will find their soulmate in the end,” they lied to you sis, you aren’t going to find shit but settle dick and heartbreak out in these streets. Life isn’t a fairy tale, you don’t get a happy ending just because you think you deserve it. Your thoughts are the foundation of your universe. Keep bottling up all that negativity, self-loathing, resentment, or jealousy and watch how successful you’ll become. Your relationships keep failing and your business ideas never get off the ground because you keep doing things the same way that fits your comfort level. It’s time to live up to your full potential and redefine how the rest of your life will play out by taking real chances. Stop waiting for help, and start helping yourself.

Refocus Your Energy

“That’s the kind of energy I need in my life,” is said whenever someone sees a positive image or reads a positive affirmation. It’s another one of these New Age gimmicks that don’t really invoke real change. The internet hijacks the lingo of positive people to make toxic folks feel like they can also achieve a higher vibration of thought. You can’t, and you won’t because you’re being phony. It doesn’t matter what TV shows you stop watching, who you follow on social media, or how many books on spirituality you read. The problem isn’t out there with them, it’s in there with you. What are you running from? Daddy issues, mommy issues, being teased when you were younger, the death of someone close, sexual abuse, verbal abuse? Maybe it’s just the frustration of growing up in 21^st century world where everyone seems to be balling while you’re still struggling to pay all your bills on time. Everyone has baggage. I don’t want to hear that you didn’t ask for this life you’re living; NONE OF US DID. You take what you’re given and turn it into a win, don’t keep crying about fairness because that line of thinking is what’s keeping you enslaved! Hollow quotes on the power of positive thinking aren’t going to change your life. You aren’t going to magically get rich overnight, find love by the end of the year, or come to grips with that person standing in the mirror by praying, holding a crystal, or squeezing your eyes and chanting. You must dig into your pain, confront your past, pause your ego long enough to admit that you don’t know as much as you wish you did, and let go of this negativity that surrounds you. Who are you, really? Why do you  carry so much regret, envy, or hate? Over-stand that it’s all connected. Be accountable for your own toxic aura because that’s the magnetic field you’ve been walking around with for too long.

Where do you start? Take it day by day. Instead of complaining, shut the fuck up, and solve the problem. Instead of falling into group think with the rest of sheep who do nothing but criticize, go read a book or meditate. Instead of talking about how a person is treating you badly, remove them from your life. Instead of being a cog in the machine where you wake up, work, eat, shit, waste time on your phone, and repeat, how about you set some weekly goals that can actually bring you joy? Instead of looking at other people as the enemy, start looking at them like mirrors that reflect back that same energy you give off. All the ignorant shit you think about people at work, school, or even strangers on the street, that’s bringing your vibration down. All the energy you give to hating celebrities or politicians, that’s bringing you down. All the self-doubt you have when deciding if you should shoot your shot, go on a date, or text someone first, is counterproductive. You’re nothing but a ball of doubt, fear, and anger—unravel that! It takes 21 Days to form a new habit. I dare you to spend the next three weeks thinking differently, acting differently, and looking at the world differently. The old way has gotten you how far? You’re bitter, sad, and secretly depressed. Switch it up! Take control over your thoughts, redefine your past, re-imagine your present, and watch how much better your near future plays out.

Thanks for reading Toxic As F**K – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

Black Girls Are Easy

As soon as you get into a relationship it’s like a Cuffed Alert goes off and everyone’s suddenly interested. Look at the options when you’re single versus when you’re in a relationship, it’s like the Universe is playing a cruel joke. Between relationships you can’t attract anyone who consistently blows you away. Instead, you keep running into struggle baes who aren’t as good looking, established, or honest as you hoped. Dating is like produce shopping at a 99cent store, you know 9 out of 10 of those apples are going to be rotten by the time you get it home. Then things change… you find the person of your dreams, make it official and all is well, until BLAM! The glow of your commitment shoots up like the Bat Signal, and everywhere you go people are trying to get at you. The irony is, it’s no longer the 99cent brand, it’s Whole Foods quality—every exotic option you always wanted to try is now in your face. Where were they when you were single and lonely as fuck? And more importantly, what do you do when someone you’re feeling puts your relationship to the test?

The cliché saying of “the grass isn’t always greener” is just that, a saying. Sometimes it’s greener as fuck… others times it’s not. I know a person who broke up for someone new and that relationship ended up being just as bad… but I also know a couple who started off creeping, yet ended up happily married. Each one of you is on an individual journey so you can’t look at anyone else’s results as law.

Breaking Up For Someone Better

India’s Email: “Hey G.L. since we last spoke things have improved but I didn’t quite take your advice. Remember **** the coordinator guy? I confided in him about my boyfriend around the same time I sent you that birthday recap and we have been talking after work like every day. It has gone from sitting in his car to grabbing dinner. Last Monday he made his move and kissed me. I did tease him about being afraid of me a few times, so I won’t sit here acting like it was unprovoked. I kissed him back but that’s all, I swear. Today we had a talk about it and he told me that he wants me to leave **** and start seeing him without all of the secrecy. He has made it clear that he is not a homewrecker and I believe that. He’s such a great guy who wants to take things slow and he understands me on a level that **** doesn’t. I know what you’re going to say, but wouldn’t it be smart if I played along and dated him while still in my relationship with ****? Also, what are your thoughts on sex at this stage? I don’t want to be that dummy that leaves her man for a guy with a trash penis lol. I think I know what to do but I’m scared, please help…”

By the time I was able to respond “India” had already fucked the new guy. By the end of the month the new guy had called India’s boyfriend and told him what went down and laid claim to her. Then all hell broke loose at home and at her job because both men became really petty. Right now, India’s single and neither man is talking to her. In short, she handled a delicate situation in the most Basica way ever. That’s not to pile on India. Most of you are in this same position or will be in the near future. In the age of social media, you will be tested by something that looks too good to resist. In the age of aggressive shot takers, “I have someone,” will only make them try harder. So many men crack at the first pretty girl that throws it at them and so many women are emotionally unprepared for romantic pressure from men that check all of her “husband material” boxes. There are people you will come across who compliment you much better than the person who you thought was your so-called “soul mate” and it’s time to take a realistic look at it.

I’ve written about how to take someone’s boyfriend, but I’ve never explored getting rid of your own for something new. The truth is that we’re all subject to temptation, especially when we’re in a relationship that isn’t going as great as it once was. There will always be other people who look better, talk better, or just have that vibe that makes you consider a switch. No matter if it’s someone new at work, an ex from the past, or a stranger who catches your eyes in public or on social media, you can easily get caught up. If there’s doubt or curiosity, love alone isn’t going to stop you from entertaining what they have to say. You just had a fight—they’re there to remind you that you have another option. You don’t feel appreciated—they’re there to offer you attention. You’re feeling irritated and distant—they’re there to put a smile on your face and breath new energy into your day. It’s not about sex or being greedy, it’s about the fear that you chose wrong. The more cracks in your relationship there are, the more tempted you will be to give that person a shot at proving that they can treat you better. Even if you try to fight it at first, each new argument or problem will make you think, “Damn, I should give such and such a chance.” This is not something you can talk to people about because you don’t want to be judged as disloyal or a cheater. Yet, despite the guilt, the feelings remain… Is this person better for you than your current boyfriend or girlfriend? There’s only one way to find out. Let’s start with the women then get to the men.

The Four Men That Will Ruin You

There’s no such thing as a soul mate or ONE person for each of us. Logically and scientifically you all know that’s myth making and social conditioning meant to keep women in that Disney Princess state of mind. There is a very real chance that the man you met months or years ago stops being consistent, stops growing with you, or simply annoys the fuck out of you after awhile. People change throughout a relationship, but it’s often for the worst. The guy who felt so magical now feels pedestrian and the thought of “is this what love is,” creeps into your brain. Most women ignore these feelings and keep trying to repair that relationship because that’s what little girls are trained to do “stand by your man.” The want for something more is a slow boiling feeling, and that’s where these four men come into play. Let’s be clear, no one can infiltrate a truly solid relationship, but most of your relationships aren’t solid. We as men can sense when a woman has a crack in her relationship, sometimes even before she realizes it. It’s in your eyes, it’s in the tone of your voice, it’s in your laugh, it’s even in your body language.

The New Guy That Has You Crushing Hard: Most of you will find yourself dealing with someone totally new and foreign to you. It could be the new hire at work who always asks about you or goes out of his way to speak. It may be some guy that pops up on social media following you and giving you extra attention. It could even be a stranger you bump into whom you have a legit reason to stay in contact with. Some examples I’ve seen have been mechanics who can help out with car issues, business owners who promise to hook you up, people in an industry who you want to network with, etc… All of these men start off innocent and platonic. In your mind you have someone, you’re not the kind of person who cheats, but these new guys know that once you crack the door to your heart, they can push all the way in. Work “husbands” turn into happy hour drinking partners. It’s only social media, until you two start DMing each other every day. The guy that helped you out with your flat tire, soon becomes that guy you text for advice. Dude who was trying to help you get your side hustle off the ground, starts looking like a snack, and you find yourself thinking about him more than your man.

The Ex That Promises to Do Better: Humbling the fuck out of an ex is an emotional orgasm. To have someone come crawling back admitting that they were in the wrong and begging for a second chance isn’t just an ego stroke, it’s a “what if”. To have loved and lost someone who is now back doing exactly what you wanted from the start will confuse your senses. These exes know you still have feelings, so they purposely play off the past while showing proof of change in the present. Your ex-boyfriend may come back with a “just friends” angle where he checks on you, makes sure you’re good, and that’s it. Your ex could also go the aggressive route and start buying you gifts, offering to do favors for you or family members, and pouring out his heart in ways he never would when you were a couple. Regardless if his approach is sneaky or direct, all it takes is you showing him signs that your current relationship is rocky, and he’ll keep reminding you that he was always your soul mate, he just needed a chance to mature.

The Platonic Friend That Wants More: 90% of you reading this has a guy in the friendzone who is dying to make his move. This could be your childhood bestie, someone from college who you friended on Facebook, a cousin or brother of one of your girlfriends, or even someone you once liked but decided you were better as friends. Of all the men you may be tempted by, this is the sneak attack few of you see coming. This friend who you’ve confided in knows the right things to say. He’s not a sexual threat so he can get you to lower your guard quicker than a new guy in terms of intimacy. This friend who genuinely loves you can make a case that he will never hurt you, and when your main guy isn’t acting right sometimes that’s all you need to hear to risk it all. In vulnerable times, it doesn’t matter if he isn’t your type, if he feels more like a brother, or that it’ll ruin or change the friendship dynamic going forward. The best relationships need strong foundations of friendship, and your platonic bestie has already passed that test, so of course he seems like the perfect solution.

The Unhappy Taken Guy: You meet a guy who’s nice, charming, and in a miserable relationship. Like most women you want to be helpful, so you proceed talk to him, advise him, and be positive about his choice to either stay or leave his current girlfriend. The guy begins to lean on you more and more, and that kind of vulnerability from a man is sexy. In response you begin to open up about your own relationship not being as good as it once was… and in that moment of “I wish she was you” the lines blur and you end up in a full-blown affair. I’ve seen this play out with everyone from NBA Players and Actresses to Nurses and Doctors. Nothing bonds two unhappy people than being able to vent about their significant other to someone who truly understands them.

How To Handle These Feelings

No matter what type of man suddenly has you in your feelings, it only takes three steps to sort it out, so you can make an honest and definite decision. The first step is to take your head out of your ass and use logic. Step out of the fantasy of being chased by something new and remember that you’re still being pursued by someone with an agenda. He says he has money but does he really? He says he can treat you better but is he just more of the same? He claims to be looking for something real, but is that all game? You can’t afford to get open off of TALK TALK TALK, you need to investigate your feelings by making sense of his. Start by breaking it down in these two ways…

Maybe He Wants To Love You: There are men who won’t let a preexisting condition called “She Has A Man” stop him from snatching his Queen. Guys who have loved and lost and have sampled all the dating scene has to offer and he will know with great certainty when he’s in front of a Game Changer. Think back to everything I’ve written on this subject especially MDLWLY and The Unicorn Delusion. If a man is trying to snatch you up and make you his, he does specific things to show it, he doesn’t just tell. Is this love or is it lust? Until you figure out his angle, you don’t have sex, you don’t leave the person you’re with, and you don’t lose yourself in his promises. The idea that it’s love and all the sweet things he’s drilling into your ear should be downplayed as infatuation.

Maybe He Wants To Fuck You: Doesn’t matter what he says, how he treats you, or the vibe he’s giving off, every man is chasing after pussy until he proves he’s not. “How can I get him to prove it without having sex,” if you thought any variation of this, then you need to start in the archives of this site because your way behind the Spartan Game. Remember that men come into your life wearing masks. Doesn’t matter if it’s an ex or a friend you’ve known for years, he’s going to put on an act in order to get you where he wants you, it’s the way ALL MEN hunt. When you’re already in a relationship, that mask becomes even harder to spot because you’re not in the “game” anymore. A woman that’s single is on high alert because she’s used to guys being full of shit, but your bullshit meter is rusty. Predators ask you questions about your relationships, pinpoint the weak spots, and turn up the heat by doing things he knows your man doesn’t do. It’s an emotional blitz that will take you by surprise. In the end the emotional affair will turn physical and you find yourself cheating or leaving your current boyfriend.

The fallout isn’t guilt, it’s the revelation that he was running game. He only wanted to fuck you because you were new, or it was a rush to take another man’s woman. Once that novelty wears off, he ghosts you or fakes an argument to push you away. Now you’re left feeling dumb and trying to get back with your ex. Most times your ex will take you back just to hate fuck you or to stroke his ego, but the trust is gone, and he’ll never love you the way he once did. In short order you’re back single and full of regret because you didn’t do your homework.

Test Drive

The next step is to put him to the test in a real way. How? You Interview this motherfucker for the next four weeks. If you were being courted normally you would date him to see if he treats you with value. If you were trying to work Ho Tactics on him, you would test him to see if he has money to spend and doesn’t mind spending it. No matter what you are looking to get from a man, it all begins with pressing him until he shows you what you need to see.

“Why Me” Conversation: It’s not enough for a man to like you just because he does. Typical women fall in love with those that flatter and kiss their ass. What is your appeal? Are you that cute, that funny, that engaging or are you just his latest project. Is it the personality or are you low hanging fruit? Maybe it’s the fact that you already have a man that makes you a must have. C’mon ladies, you know that men love to conquer things that are seemingly hard to get. The first conversation you have once you decide he may be worth your time is what drew him to you. This conversation needs to force him to give you specifics. No shallow answers like “your energy” or “your smile”. Also talk about your relationship in a real way. What happens if you don’t ever leave your man? Is he afraid that some other guy will come in and do the same thing he’s trying to do? Really make him uncomfortable by pointing out that you aren’t some damsel in distress. He can’t see you as just a fantasy, he has to see you as a woman with complex feelings who isn’t perfect.

Spend A Day: Women are the best kind of sneaky, so don’t act like you can’t get away from your current man for a day. Once you vet his interest in you, the time will come to normalize your feelings by hanging out. Under regular conditions you would go on dates, but you don’t have time for that. Instead, you need to play an entire day from afternoon to evening, where you spend time together. The purpose behind this is that fantasy thinking makes ordinary men seem special. Sneaking to text, getting pictures, him popping up, or making up excuse to hop on the phone, these things take you to a teenager mindset. Is it really them or is it the rush of being bad? The only way to keep your feelings honest is to spend time with this man for a long period of time. I have countless stories of how women no matter if it was long distance or creeping, realized after a bad date or a long weekend that the guy wasn’t what she really wanted. Watch how he pressures you for sex, listen to how he talks when you’ve run out of “I miss you” chit chat, observe how he spends money, pay attention to how he handles the other girl’s he’s dating or talking to in terms of ignoring calls or texts. The circus only lasts for two hours because kids get bored. Affairs usually don’t end in a real relationship because people get bored. Test yourself by spending real time at least once a week for four weeks.

Space: Are you making this too easy for him? Doesn’t matter if he’s the one chasing you, calling you, and trying to arrange dates to see you, are you giving in every time he reaches out or are you making him work? I’ll be honest, the women with boyfriends who I’ve messed with (messed with = fucked) were easier to get than single women. Single women required dates, they were aloof at times, they masked their feelings and played hard to get. Girls with boyfriends don’t play these games! I remember this one girl would always pick up on the first ring, she would be down to see me whenever I wanted, and she didn’t act shy or reserved when I went for sex. Never lose sight of how much adrenaline plays in romance. You have to pump your own breaks and remind yourself that this isn’t a case of you just wanting to get your pussy destroyed by something new, it’s real feelings about if this guy is a better fit universally. To throw the pussy at him without making him earn it in a real way can sour him on how much he actually wanted you from the jump.

Go a few days without speaking to him at a time. Don’t return every text or call. Stand him up. This is all a test. If he really wants to be with you his actions will adjust to prove it. If you’re just a notch on his belt he’ll show his true colors. Does he talk shit when he can’t get his way? Does he throw other women in your face to prove that he has options? Does he threaten you with telling your boyfriend? Does he start acting like a stalker? Trust me, you need to push this man to his limits to see if you can shake off his mask. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s a new guy, a friend who you thought you knew, an ex, or a guy with his own girl, they all are the same until you push their buttons.

Honesty Hour: At the end of these four weeks, if he’s passed each test with flying colors, then you must have a come to Jesus moment with yourself. Do you still like this guy? Is he consuming your thoughts more than your current man? Do you want him physical and emotionally? No more of this “I don’t know,” indecisive bullshit that basic women do because they’re afraid to be real with themselves. I’m not asking you if it will work out, about karma, or about morals. Even after a month of vetting your feelings towards him and his consistent actions, have your feelings deepened or lessened for this disruptor? If the answer is “yes,” then the choice is clear, you need to break up with your current partner. “But I don’t want to hurt—” shut the fuck up and stop being a coward. We all are guilty of crushing on other people, we all have fantasies, but if you’ve taken it to the point where you legitimately enjoy someone else’s company over the person you’re with, then it’s time to end it.

It’s Not Him… It’s Him

Spoiler Alert: This had nothing to do with leaving the person you’re with for someone better, this was about you taking inventory of your relationship and coming away with proof that it was dying a slow death. This isn’t about the new guy being better, it’s about the old guy no longer working! I don’t want you to swap out the old for the new, I just want you to be honest. The hardest thing to do is to breakup because when there’s not a big argument or event, people keep holding on under the pretense of “it’s not that bad,” when it truly is that bad. You’re unhappy, you’re wasting both of your time, and you need to put an end to it, so you can move on the right way.

Maybe It’s You

I knew a married woman who was seeing a single man. When the man told her, he was going out to see a “friend” the married woman waited for five hours in front of his apartment complex, watched him come in with his “friend” and then slit the tires to his car. I asked her way was she so jealous when she had a WHOLE HUSBAND at home. Her response, “What’s mine is mine.” Not only do you need to look at the agenda of these men that come into your life, you have to take a hard look at what you’re trying to get out of this side dish relationship. Most times it’s not his dick, it’s his attention. Your own relationship is not good enough, so you’re getting high off the way a new man chases you. You’re telling him you love him. You’re threatening his other women. You’re forgetting that you’re the one in a committed relationship, not him. If you exhibit any of these signs, then you need to meditate or seek therapy on the deeper reasons behind your lust. Dick doesn’t make women crazy, the crazy is already there. Other people can’t take you from the one you’re with, you were already ready to leave, you just needed an excuse. Point the finger at all the ways they aren’t holding up to their side of the relationship to justify your emotions and actions, but in the end, you have to decide to do something about it, not just switch out one man for another man and hope you picked right this time around.

Healing

How do you move on romantically? Date this new guy? Assemble a new roster? Keep your ex around until you’re 100% sure you can’t work this out? You need alone time, princess. Understand that this was never about some new guy being your true soul tie, soul mate, or whatever fake deep word you read on the internet. This was someone who simply showed you that you have the potential to be happier. That other guy exposed the holes in your dream house, but you knew you had leaks all along. The last thing you need is to break up and jump into the arms of yet another man while you’re still unsure of what you need to be happy. Any man can treat you good for the honey moon period, any man can fuck you like he’s fresh out of jail when high on new lust, and any man can promise to never change when you’re living in a bubble. We don’t date in a bubble, we don’t love in the honeymoon period, relationships aren’t just hard work, they’re proving grounds that are supposed to bring you closer even during the bad times. Take time to find yourself. Don’t date at all until you’re ready. Take out your Spartan journal and write down how you got swept up in a weak relationship and then write down all the reasons you will never let it happen again. Life is a lesson. You’re either learning or losing.

For the Men Stuck with A Placeholder

What about the men? Guys routinely seek out new pussy then return to their same woman because they weren’t looking to upgrade. Some get their Diddy on and quickly switch out old bae for a new bae that looks just like old bae. Men have a hard time dealing with breakups and the falling out of love process because we’re internally stunted. I challenge every man to take self inventory of their current relationship and here’s a story that proves my point to the max: My good friend had been flirting with a few different women over the past three months and his thirst in general had began to rise as if he didn’t have a longtime girlfriend. My sister-in-law visited to celebrate her birthday here in LA, and during a drinking game we were all instructed to “drink if you’re single” he didn’t take a shot and said, “Well I’m not married so I’m single, right?” This wasn’t a joke as he flirted with my wife’s sister all night long. A few weeks later it was a new woman at work that had him open. They went out to talk business, then it ended with drinks, and a weekend of sexting. Then yet another girl caught his eye, and he was sending me screenshots of their conversations. At NO point did he tell any of these women he had a girlfriend. I asked him straight up, if this were your girl doing these things how would you feel? He shut down.

In that moment I thought about my readers, those women who are in love with men who really don’t want them but will never leave no matter how much advice I give. I couldn’t let it keep going on, so I told him directly that it’s not about new girls or his thirst for sex, it’s about his dissatisfaction with his woman. The same woman who he told me he wanted to marry by next year. Think about that. He was in the midst of planning an elaborate engagement, but secretly he wasn’t sure. It took those new women to shake up his world, and me to talk to him man to man and tell him to take a break. He did break up, but so many other guys are out here wasting the time of women who are fully committed. Fellas, you know when it’s about sex and you know when it’s about unhappiness. If you have a woman who has slowly declined into a Placeholder, you have to make the mature decision to cut her loose. My own friend just wasted years with a woman who was always going to be a Placeholder, and now she has to pick the pieces and go back to the dating game older and damaged. Women stick around and ignore the red flags more often than not, so I’m challenging any man that’s feeling unfulfilled to do right by the both of you and walk away because you can’t assume she will get the hint.

Finding Your Game Changer ASAP

What’s next? Moving on is hard, vetting people seems like a chore, and sometimes settling for a Placeholder seems safer than going for what you really want. Fuck that. I invite each one of you, men and women, to read She Ain’t It: Platinum Edition. It’s an updated version of the book complete with FIVE NEW CHAPTERS that takes you from the meeting stage all the way to relationship problems and how to fix them before you break up. While aimed at men, this book is a MUST READ for women, as it sheds light on personality traits you may no know that hold you back as well as insight into what quality men are looking for in a Game Changer Vs Placeholder.

*UNTIL THE END OF OCTOBER anyone who downloads and leaves a review will receive ONE FREE EMAIL QUESTION, send your purchase/review screenshot and question to BGAEAdvice@gmail.com with the header SHE AIN’T IT.* It’s available right now on Amazon:

Click Here To Download

Thanks for reading Breaking Up For Someone Better

Lust rules everything around us. I’ve seen a girl who went from virgin one year to ten partners the next. I know a guy that emptied out his live-in girlfriend’s bank account to spend it on a new girl he desperately wanted to smash. Just last week, I received an email from a woman who swore she was too smart to get gamed, yet ended up on the heartbreaking end of a one night stand that shattered her self-esteem. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, all it takes is the right person saying the right thing at the right time, and all your sex rules and moral theories go out of the window. We all have “bodies” on our list that we’d like to forget. The irony when it comes to sex is that women tend to regret their past partners more than men. “I wish I never fucked him” is more common than “I wish I never fucked her” Why? For men, it doesn’t matter if it lasted one minute or one hour, if she came or if she rolled over disappointed. Men cum 99.9% of the time—doesn’t matter how she looks, how her body is shaped, what color she is, or how much he likes her, sex is always a victory because the result is a nut. There’s little concern over what happens after it’s over. The only time a guy has regret is if he ends up getting burnt, gets caught creeping on his girl, or if she pops up pregnant.

On the other side of the fence there are women who just want sex too, but there are even more who need a connection, need to see potential, and who obsess over “what happens next” because they don’t want to end up giving away something so special to someone who doesn’t appreciate it…or isn’t skilled enough to blow her back out as a consolation prize. A woman’s sex life is a slot machine: Small dick. Big dick but can’t work it. Cum too quick. Can’t stay hard. Too rough. Not rough enough… and the list goes on. Men talk a big game, but to hear women tell it, most can’t handle business when they finally get it. To be fair, some guys don’t care about performance, again, the nut is the win not the praise after it’s over. Still, it’s a fucked up situation. If the guy ends up becoming her boyfriend despite being trash in bed, she has to deal with being sexually frustrated in the name of love. If the guy is just a one-time thing, then she has to deal with “do I even add this nigga to my body count after that weak ass performance?” No matter if she’s looking for love or just a dick fix, sex is all risk, and often little reward for women on the dating scene. Unlike in the past, women not only have a voice when it comes to sex, they aren’t afraid to call men out. Which leads to…

I STILL BEAT, LOL

Over the past few weeks I’ve been seeing a battle of the sexes over the concept of “I Still Beat”. I’ll save you the trip to Urban Dictionary. “Beat” is slang for “have sex”. It’s a term I’ve heard since I was 16. It’s the male version of a mic drop when he’s being attacked or slandered by a woman.

GIRL: That’s Why Your Dick Little… Those Two Minutes Wasn’t Even Worth My Time… I Had to Think About My Ex to Cum!

GUY: I still Beat…

GIRL: You Still Owe Me Money You Broke Bastard… Tell Everyone How You Let Me Finger Your Ass… Don’t make me release the texts of you begging to eat my ass!

GUY: I Still Beat…

No matter if it’s an attempt to expose his weak performance or a girl looking to embarrass him with secret details of his life, all that guy has to say is– I STILL BEAT THO! It’s all about protecting the fragile male ego from being damaged and it works because we as men will nod along like, “He got you there.” The male mind puts pussy on a pedestal. Dude can be ugly, broke, suck at sports, have a hairline that starts at the top of your head… but if he’s able to get pussy, then he will always get props from other man. No matter where you grow up in America or what race you are, young boys are patted on the back for conquering women. Think about the way we talk about sex: beat, smash, crush, hit—it’s all about the male doing something to the female as if her vagina is just an object to be destroyed. Doesn’t matter if he lasted two minutes, his dick was small, he ate her ass, or any other thing a woman would use to emasculate him, the very nature that he got to stick his dick in her cancels out anything she’s yelling. Welcome to the double standard of our Universe…

“I don’t even know why I hit that. I just know I won’t wife that” -6ix9ine

Most of you will have sex before you enter a relationship. Many of you will have sex within the first two weeks because he’s cute, has potential, or he just caught you at the right time. That’s your prerogative as a grown ass woman— fuck who you want. However, the reality of dating dictates that 4 out of 5 guys you date are going to be running game, not interested in anything with you, or realize after a few conversations you aren’t what he’s looking for… cold world. Doesn’t matter if you deflect with that, “I used him too, he was just dick to me” attitude, he’s going to feel more empowered than you will, he’s going to get more props, and you’re going to be the one considered used up, despite you two both engaging in the same act. Think about how that effects your going forward. You end up dating someone the last guy knows, you tell him the truth that the guy was a lame, but the new guy is thinking, “So you let that lame beat…” You try to warn other girls not to date him, all he has to say is “She’s bitter cus I hit and quit,” and now you have a reputation.

Sex is not an equal playing field for women, it’s filled with unfair judgement and double standards. If a man has sex with a woman he’s a winner and that woman is ran through. A woman can’t say anything negative about a guy she slept with, but he can drag her for days because in our society, a woman loses value once she has sex while a man grows in prestige. It’s a calculated reaction to shame and downgrade women and a lot of these “nice guys” are closet misogynist who can’t wait to run and tell your business. You can’t afford to be nice to these clowns any longer. You deserve a man that understands that you aren’t for everybody, that you have respect for yourself, and that he didn’t “hit” he was given a gift. It’s time to up your standards, control your lust, and rethink who you allow between your legs. So, how can you win in a world that sees you as the one that gets fuck not the one who fucks? How can you avoid the embarrassment of adding to your body count with someone that wasn’t worth it? How can you date as a sexual woman and not feel like you have to use gimmicks like the 90-day rule? Simple, you Spartan the Fuck Up and use Pussy Power in your favor.

“First night, she gon’ let me fuck cus we grown/ I hit her, gave her back to the city, she home/ That was that.” – Drake

Women routinely fuck men who don’t deserve their pussy, then those same men walk out of that woman’s life with his head held high, ready to sucker the next chick. Not all men are predators, but when it’s been proven that a large percent of guys put on fronts for sex, what makes you continue to date with the same strategy that got you hurt in the past? You’re falling for every trick in the basic bitch playbook because you’re walking around with insecurities that are easy to pick apart. Texting turns to sexting. Sending cute pics turns to sending nudes. Kissing turns into breast sucking, turns into you lifting your hips up while he slides your panties off. Should I yell at the men right now and say, “Hey stop getting so much easy pussy and only date girls you actually see a future with?” No, I turn to you and say stop the insanity! Women choose who they have sex with, men are limited to who chooses them. Think about the cutest guy you know—he’s been curved. Fact. Think about a girl who you don’t think is cute at all—she can go out this weekend and get head from a dude that puts Michael B Jordan to shame. Fact. What’s the take away from this? Men are whores. They think with their dicks and their beauty standards in REAL LIFE rarely add up to the girls they like on Instagram. Men have a nerve to call women out for fucking on the first date, but they’re the ones pushing for first date sex in the first place! These are the hypocrites that you get nervous around? These aren’t Kings, these are confused little boys who shame you for having sex after they beg, spend, lie, and manipulate to get it.

DOES HE DESERVE PUSSY?

These “I still beat” clowns shouldn’t have made it to a second date let alone between your legs. If he turned out to be an immature asshole after sex, then he was one before sex. So why couldn’t you see it? Because you were blinded by his hustle.  Men have mastered the art of opening up just enough that you “think” you know them. They give you their sad family story, the bad breakup story, the ambitious business story, all manufactured to make you feel closer to him. He’s being vulnerable, so you start to open up. Earth to Basica! You don’t know this nigga. You haven’t even poked holes to see if his stories add up. You are going along for the ride and at this point you can’t blame it on anything but your own naiveté. It’s not about when you have sex, it’s about why you have sex. Cus I’m horny…Cus I didn’t want to push him away… Cus It just happened. How old are you!? The common denominator in your failed love life is you choosing the wrong men to give yourself to. If you want to stop the cycle of choosing wrong, make them jump through hopes by truly showing you who they are over time. Guys who are just after sex are littered with red flags you only see after the fact. It’s time to shine a light on their dusty asses long before you reach that level.

Mr. Potential: You finally meet a guy who has his shit together—educated, career, no kids, no drama, and he’s trying to date you, not chill with you. You thank the lord and you go into the date hoping he likes you. SMH! You’ve already lost, baby girl… Your first mistake was feeling lucky and blessed to meet someone decent. You’re a quality woman, every man you meet should fit that description. You’ve allowed your past history with men to make this new guy a Unicorn. He’s special only because your last few dates were mediocre. You’re now dating to impress, not dating to be impressed. Your weak ass fan-girl mentality becomes transparent on the actual date. This man knows he’s handsome, he knows he’s doing better than the average man that you meet, and now he knows you’re an easy target because you’re gushing over him. You want a man like him. You’ve been praying for a man like him. You’re getting older—you have to make this work. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know him or have yet to vet him, your anxiety has you high off potential and willing to fit into what he likes in order to get that happy ending.

How He Beats: It’s so easy to run game on a woman that’s afraid of losing out on you. I call it the Bait & Hit. Gas her up with the idea of you by treating her nice for a week or two. Every night before she goes to bed she’s fantasizing about being your woman, living that life with you, being a power couple or trophy wife. Every day when she’s at work and gets a text, that fantasy comes roaring back even stronger because it’s not fiction, you’re showing her that you want her just as bad. Now it’s time to move in for the kill. The next time you go on a date or hang out alone, all you have to do is go for sex. Fan-Girl’s not ready for that, but she doesn’t want to reject him. To reject a man with more potential than the last three guys she dated combined, feels like a mistake. She doesn’t want to keep looking for someone with all of your qualities. She’s sick of the rat race to find a man that has his shit together. You keep trying to fuck and she keeps buckling until she finally gives it up. In the front of the mind she desperately hopes this won’t change anything. Ha!

The woman goes through the next day nervous—is that all he wanted? Was that a test to see if you were a hoe? You live with that feeling because if you bring it up to him you’ll seem crazy and insecure. Mr. Potential got what he came for and he realizes that he got it easy. He may come back for a few more sessions, but it’s not the same. No more dates. No more deep talks. No more talking about what he’s going to do for you. The writing is on the wall. You call him out on it. He gives an excuse to keep that door to your pussy open, but you know he’s lying. Finally, he pops up with a new girl or ignores you all together and you lash out at him about how fucked up he treated you. He shrugs it off. You can’t hurt a person emotionally that was only attracted to you physically. In the end, no matter what you say—he still beat.

Mr. Communication: In a world where guys are aloof and fake busy, you finally meet one that gives you the level of attention you’ve always craved. He’s good at texting, not just to check in but to engage you. He Facetimes to talk about his day. He calls you just because. He wants to see you multiple times a week. Damn, this attention feels good! Time doesn’t bond people, contact does. To be blitzed with a person’s personality every day for two weeks creates a false sense of knowing them. You develop trust because your mind is whispering, “He wouldn’t have time to talk to anyone else, he’s always talking to me.” Trust leads to the dropping of your guard. These conversations go from the typical getting to know you chit chat, to deep talks about your life. He’s your therapist when it comes to your past. He’s your best friend when it comes to talking about the ups and downs of your day. It’s only been a matter of weeks, but you love him, lower case “l” rapidly approaching upper case “L”.

How He Beats: Security is a panty dropper. Imagine if you’re a woman that’s had to deal with male disappointment from the time you were a kid—dad, step-dads, teachers, first boyfriend, they all hurt you in some way. To meet a man who is there for you, to talk, to help, to listen, it leaves an impression no matter how long you’ve known him. Mr. Communication didn’t win you over with a fantasy of being a perfect man in terms of materialism, he won you over by being the perfect man in terms of emotional maturity and understanding. A man like that feels safe. When you two are alone and he goes for it, what excuse is there to say “no”? You know him. You trust him. You’re horny. After sex, the communication gradually begins to change. His excuses are legit at first, new job, new schedule, going out of town, it’s always some new wrinkle that throws off the old routine and you accept that. However, it never goes back to that previous routine. The texts are few and far between. The Facetimes end. The calls are non-existent. Your pride is telling you that you’re making it all up, and that it’ll go back to normal. It never does, and your emotions don’t know how to handle the lost of not only a friend but the fact that you were gamed. You muster up the nerve to send some long text message about how much of a bitch he is, you want him to know your pain. He shrugs at that text paragraph—he still beat.

Mr. Rebound AKA Mr. Brightside: A rebound isn’t reserved for a recent breakup. Many of you haven’t had dating success in years. You’re not rebounding from ONE GUY, you’re rebounding from striking out month in and month out. The Rebound guy is different from Mr. Potential because most of these guys aren’t really that amazing, they’re just there to give you what you need—affirmation that you’re wanted. That’s why I also call them Mr. Brightside. Sure, he’s broke, but he’s nice. Sure, he’s not physically appealing, but he’s stable. He’s not what you’re looking for, but he’s persistent, so he gets a shot at a woman like you that’s usually out of his league. It could be that associate from back in the day that suddenly sends you a message on social media. That guy who’s always liked you who finally gets you to agree to a date. Basically, any man that wears you down as opposed to Wows you. Where does this open mind come from? Fear. You don’t know what you’re doing out here. You don’t know how to pick men. You don’t know how to get to the ones you want, or you’ve been hurt by them. Like that chick who starts wearing Yoga pants 7 days a week, you’ve given up and are in “fuck it” mode.

How He Beats: Abstaining from sex isn’t hard when you don’t have any options. Turning down men that are lazy in their efforts or who push too hard is easy. Let’s see how you do when left alone with a man who likes you more than you like him. Nice guys empower those women who have been neglected or who are in a drought. He’s on your clit, so you feel strong and comfortable around him because unlike guys that intimidate you, there’s no need to be shy.  Mr. Brightside knows that it’s been forever since you’ve even had sex, so he’s going to push your buttons. Back message, foot message, and the classic, “let me taste it.” and at that moment of “oral sex isn’t really sex,” he’s going to slide all the way home.

After sex you’re going to run into one of the most common things I’m emailed about—I fucked a guy who I didn’t even like that much, and he had the nerve to ghost me. All that empowered Wonder Woman swag was used against you. Here you are thinking this guy is too corny, too ugly, too fat, or too broke to do better than you so he would worship you even after sex. There he was confident that women like you, lonely and bored, are easy marks. This peasant played you, so you fire back at him about all the ways he’s lame and all the ways you’re amazing. In the end, those insults roll off his back because…you guessed it—he still beat.

Mr. Thirsty: Your personality is so bomb that men chase you. Your sex game is so elite that they want to wife you. Welcome to the world of thirst. Your ego is telling you it’s all about how amazing you are, but reality has proven that there are men predisposed to be hard up due to insecurities you didn’t bother to uncover. This kind of guy can come in any form. Handsome guy, rich guy, work husband, internet crush, it doesn’t matter what mask he’s wearing. it’s only after sex do you realize that he likes you more than you like him to the point of annoyance. You know the type, he starts asking about a relationship. Uses the “L” word way too fast. Wants you to meet his family. It’s as if he’s the girl and you’re the boy.

How He Beats: Some women can spot a thirsty from a mile away and think, “Damn, imagine how pressed he’s going to be if I fuck him. I’ll pass.” Still, there are other women who enjoy the groupie treatment and ego stroke of a man acting crazy over her. You two have sex and on cue, his behavior worsens. Eventually you cut him off, but these types never go quietly. Just like the little emotional bitch he is, Mr. Thirsty will try to get revenge on you by being passive aggressive. Take to your Facebook to be messy, spreading rumors to other guys about how you get down, trying to flirt with your friends–or enemies, all while trying to get back with you. When you clap back or pull receipts telling the truth about how hard up he is for you, it ricochets. None of what you say after he tries to ruin your reputation or sabotage your love life matters to other people. You let a clown beat, so what does that make you?

THE VALUE OF YOUR VAGINA

“I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth.” -SZA

You went to high school together and you know his family—that deserves pussy? He pulled your chair out at the restaurant and paid for the meal—that deserves pussy? He took you on four dates in one week—that deserves pussy? You spent five hours having a conversation in his car—that deserves pussy? You used to talk back in the day and now he’s back and acting more mature—that deserves pussy? You met his mother and she liked you—that deserves pussy? He brought you a bag and some shoes the first week of knowing you—that deserves pussy? He hoped in your DMs then flew you out—that deserves pussy? All the other girls at work want him but he likes you—that deserves pussy? He’s a student athlete about to go to the league and he’s feeling—that deserves pussy? He’s your platonic best friend and wants more now that you’re single—that deserves pussy? You’ve talked to a lot of guys, and his energy just feels different—that deserves pussy?

You’re too damn old to be falling for basic ass game from these basic ass niggas who’s only skill set is telling hopeless romantics what they want to hear. He doesn’t like you, he wants to fuck you. He isn’t proving consistency by being nice to you for a few weeks, he’s chasing ass. Yet there you go, on another date that ends with you letting him go too far or exposed via another house date that proves you aren’t as hard to get as your Instagram captions claim you are. Pussy is priceless. It’s rewarded to the best, not given to the latest crush that gets you drunk off brown liquor. Stop sliding your panties off for these peasants for fear if you don’t give it up he’ll go find his happily ever after with the next woman. You’re competing with time, competing with other women, competing with this idea that you have to hook a man with sex for him to like you. You’re the trophy, not him! He should be trying to prove that he values you, that he respects you, that he is interested in getting to know what shaped you and how you think. What is he talking about? What is he trying to do with you? What is he revealing about himself? He’s not special, he’s just another guy in the race until he proves himself. Reclaim your power by resetting how you think about men in the first place.

These men don’t care if you don’t usually have sex this fast. These men don’t care if you’re pretty, smart, educated, a home owner, or have a phone full of guys who want you. You’re a new piece of pussy. Cry wolf talk about how men ain’t shit, but that’s not going to change the game. “Men need to appreciate us” no they don’t. You have to appreciate that what’s between your legs is invaluable! You have to look at your body like it’s billion-dollar vault that everyone is constantly trying to break into. No man is different, they’re sniffing around for the same payoff. It’s your job to keep your legs locked until they have proven themselves worthy. “I’ll use the 90 Day rule, the 3 date rule, or I’ll just wait until we’re in a relationship to have sex.” How about you drop all the bullshit gimmicks and get to know them through questions, counter-questions, seeing how they act around other people, and how they respond when you don’t fuck them the first few times they try? Men tell on themselves, they get in their feelings when they can’t have their way, and all it takes is you having the courage to make them work for sex. Be HARD, be challenging, be the kind of woman a man automatically knows is rare the moment you open your mouth. You can’t afford to wait until after sex to realize everything about this man’s personality makes your pussy dry. Learn that on these initial dates so you can make better choices!

Why is it all on the woman’s shoulders? Because you’re the ones being preyed upon! Men will never change, they will never grow up, they will never stop trying to rob you blind. It’s up to womankind to keep the locks on the door and set the standards so high that only those men who are willing to push past their own lust and initial desires get to stay in the race. You can’t afford to be too tired to date like a Spartan. You can’t get sad when the perfect guy doesn’t pass your tests. You can’t fall for his reverse psychology of “I’m not like that”. We’re all like that! Have as much sex as you want, Take him for a test drive before you commit to make sure he’s not wack, but the first step is to be selective in terms of his character. Build a friendship, not a lust-ship, and I guarantee you that 90% of the issues that ruined your last relationship will never develop under these strict rules. You may not marry the next man you sleep with but be able to look back regardless of the outcome and know that he earned it by meeting your demands.

TURN THE TABLES ON HIM

Toxic As Fuck – Is Your Energy Holding You Back

If they wanted you then why aren’t they with you? If they’re trying to build with you, then why is communication inconsistent? If they cared about you, then why is your gut screaming, “they don’t really give a fuck”? You’re a stereotype. A sucker for love. An educated fool that gets ghosted and plays dumb about what happened. A loyal soul that gets cheated on or undervalued. You give everything and get the bare minimum in return, then have a nerve to complain about it but never do anything about it. If you want more, why don’t you go get more? If that person doesn’t treat you like you feel you deserve, why don’t you find someone new? If you’re so smart and know that a person is lying or full of shit, then why do you continue to entertain their nonsense? Instead, you hope, you pray, and wish upon a star that the person you’re into treats you fair. Ha! I repeat, you’re a stereotype. You’re fake-strong, fake-confident, and full of excuses as to why you can’t get your life on track. I know the real you. You’re lazy, vulnerable, and stuffed with fear. The buzz word of the day is “Toxic”. People accuse others of being toxic whenever they feel like they’re the victim. What’s really toxic is your lack of self-esteem that has you trapped in this cycle of mediocrity.

Why do you think you’re unworthy of a healthy relationship? Why do you think that love has to be a struggle? Why do you keep living in this world of delusion where you keep being nice to people that constantly show you they don’t give a fuck about your feelings? You can’t stop this unhealthy way of living because you’ve been brainwashed to settle for less. Toxic thoughts tell you that you can’t get what you want. Toxic actions keep you dating the same old types, sticking with the same bad relationship, or giving people that already disrespected you another chance. Toxic emotions have you sitting up at night depressed over your lack of results. Face it, you live everyday with toxic feelings, attract toxic people, play out toxic situations with those people, then wonder why you’re unhappy.

Fellas:  That so-called “Hoe” who is out to use you or play you, is she that good at acting or are you so hard up that you miss the red flags? Manipulators become transparent to a man with self-confidence and who isn’t high off new pussy lust but you’re a sucker flying blind because you’re chasing validation.

Ladies: That “Mr. Perfect” you met  off some dating app wouldn’t even make it to a second date with a woman who was secure in her power, but he gets to fuck you in short order only to toss you to the side because you continue to date with unaddressed insecurities that cause you to overthink, second guess, and cloud your mind long enough for a player to wreck you.

I don’t deserve this… Why is this happening… Why can’t I just be happy? You’re so full of shit! You know why life, relationship, career, and the like aren’t working out. No matter if you’re a man or a woman, if your life is a mess, it’s because your mind is a barrel of negative counter-productive and basic thoughts. I’m not trying to drag you, I’m trying to lift you back to your feet because you deserve more out of life than being wasted potential.

Fellas, Sometimes You’re Just Dick:

There are women who just want to fuck you. No dates. No texting. None of that mushy shit you’re used to from chicks who are openly or secretly looking for a boyfriend. There are also women who just want attention. Text her when she’s bored. Take her out on the weekends. Give her the feeling of being wanted so she can go brag about it. Normally these are perfect situations, all the fun none of the stress. The difference is that when a woman is in control, making the rules, and free to deal with you and a handful of other men as she chooses, jealousy sets in. Narcissistic men are nothing more than dorks who are afraid to be hurt, so they try and build up this powerful persona. When these types of men run up against a female who gives them her ass to kiss, he cracks like a fucking egg. The little Basica that’s waiting by the phone for you to call or the thirsty relationship girl that’s offering to pay for an Uber to come see you, they don’t have any power. The woman that only calls you for a dick appointment or leaves you on “read” until she’s in the mood to pick you up and play with you—she’s God. You hate that she doesn’t need you, doesn’t really want you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.

We as men aren’t used to being controlled by women, it goes against every macho bone in our body and every tough talk we’ve had in the barbershop. Internally it cuts deeper than most of you probably know. She’s rejecting the idea of you as a serious option. You’re unworthy of her exclusivity. Why? Her actions spell it out, “You’re good enough to fuck or talk to, but she’s still searching for something better.” Even the defense of “I still beat,” crumbles because if you deal with a woman like this long enough, sex-lust gives way to genuine love. The fact that she’s not acting typical makes her superior to other women, and thus a Must-Have. The world is filled with over-talkative, boring ass women who are easy to get, but you want that which doesn’t want you—A Unicorn.

Tell a man he can’t have something, and he wants it 10x more. What happens when you keep chasing this woman who sees you as just another dick? Frustration sets in followed by anger. You’re pissed off at the world because she’s denying you. You’re ready to cut her off because she’s making you feel inadequate. This is where you brain waves stray from your normal behavior. In order to prove your worth to her you start acting weird. Stalking, arguing, going after other men she may be dealing with, buying her gifts, giving her money, and the list of emotional shit goes on…  I’ve gotten several emails that read, “I had to cut him off because he started getting too clingy.” Confident women with options don’t kneel like desperate birds. The moment you blow up on her, start acting jealous, or try reverse psychology—she’s ghost. Go ahead and blast off a dozen “bitches ain’t shit” tweets or write a novel under her IG pictures, it won’t change the fact that this isn’t about her—it’s about you.

Let’s list some possible causes of internal negativity: You don’t have that much money. You don’t do anything spectacular for a living. You have the same dreams or side hustles as every other generic guy. You pretend to be living large and making moves, but you’re living off borrowed money or scams. Doesn’t matter what the exact reason is, the result is that chip on your shoulder keeps growing because you have some flaw that makes upper echelon women look down on you.

Men don’t go to therapy as much as women, it’s emasculating to say you’re falling apart, so you go in alone. You smoke, pop pills, drink yourself pissy, and try to ignore your problems. The irony is that Broken & Damaged Men can still get women—ones who are just as mentally weak and insecure. In comes a woman with low self-esteem to the rescue. The overweight chick, the girl that you don’t think of as traditionally pretty, the women with kids, or the women that have been broken by past relationships. Keep in mind, you don’t want any of these ladies, you want that Unicorn who denounced you as “average”. Instead of loving or appreciating these women that see the greatness in you, those toxic emotions lead to resentment. You don’t want her fat ass, her ugly ass, her passed around ass, her bi-polar ass—Listen to those negative thoughts. You’re projecting hate towards them because you hate yourself for not feeling good enough. As a result, you mistreat these women, you unfairly judge these women, and you use these women in the same way you got used because they’re Placeholders. Your toxic mind attracted that and will keep attracting it until you right the wrongs of your own negative thoughts.

Ladies, Sometimes You’re Just Pussy:

It’s easy for a woman to fake confidence on the internet, at work, or during that first week or so of dating. Your attitude pushes you forward and protects you from scrutiny. You talk slick, you dress nice, you can be funny, and you can be deep. But what happens when someone sees through your weak ass self-esteem and little girl toughness? Experienced men test ALL WOMEN. I’ve written books about this process, but in the end so many women still fall victim because they think with common sense, but don’t date with it. How will you react when he pushes for a house date? How will you react when he pushes you for sex and he barely knows you? How will you react when he makes a comment about your weight, your hair, how another girl looks compared to you? How will you react after he showers you with attention and pipe dream promises only to fallback? Don’t lie and say you will react in the right way 10 out of 10 times. All it takes is that ONE GUY who is everything you’re looking for to do one of those things, and you’ll respond in the same basic way as those women you make fun of do. I can give you all the game in the world, and you will still allow “your type” to slip through your defenses.

Who is the real you? Are you this amazing woman who just had a weak moment or are you a weak woman who only has spurts of being amazing that she can never live up to? You consistently come off like just another chick who a man thinks is only good for sex because that’s how you see yourself. Look inside your brain. Are you as pretty as you want to be? Are you as smart as you wish you were? Are you as interesting as those girls in the YouTube videos you watch? Are you as strong emotionally as you hope? No. One of these things or several of these things bother the fuck out of you because your entire personality, image, and way of life is based on a false projection. It’s only when a man disrespects you, another girl insults you, or your bank account balance humbles you that you’re forced to accept the fact that you’re not happy with who you are. Each day you look for someone to point a finger at, someone doing worst than you to gossip about, or numb yourself by scrolling social media or shopping for shit you think will make you feel better about yourself. None of it works.

“Everyone will find their soulmate in the end,” they lied to you sis, you aren’t going to find shit but settle dick and heartbreak out in these streets. Life isn’t a fairy tale, you don’t get a happy ending just because you think you deserve it. Your thoughts are the foundation of your universe. Keep bottling up all that negativity, self-loathing, resentment, or jealousy and watch how successful you’ll become. Your relationships keep failing and your business ideas never get off the ground because you keep doing things the same way that fits your comfort level. It’s time to live up to your full potential and redefine how the rest of your life will play out by taking real chances. Stop waiting for help, and start helping yourself.

Refocus Your Energy

“That’s the kind of energy I need in my life,” is said whenever someone sees a positive image or reads a positive affirmation. It’s another one of these New Age gimmicks that don’t really invoke real change. The internet hijacks the lingo of positive people to make toxic folks feel like they can also achieve a higher vibration of thought. You can’t, and you won’t because you’re being phony. It doesn’t matter what TV shows you stop watching, who you follow on social media, or how many books on spirituality you read. The problem isn’t out there with them, it’s in there with you. What are you running from? Daddy issues, mommy issues, being teased when you were younger, the death of someone close, sexual abuse, verbal abuse? Maybe it’s just the frustration of growing up in 21^st century world where everyone seems to be balling while you’re still struggling to pay all your bills on time. Everyone has baggage. I don’t want to hear that you didn’t ask for this life you’re living; NONE OF US DID. You take what you’re given and turn it into a win, don’t keep crying about fairness because that line of thinking is what’s keeping you enslaved! Hollow quotes on the power of positive thinking aren’t going to change your life. You aren’t going to magically get rich overnight, find love by the end of the year, or come to grips with that person standing in the mirror by praying, holding a crystal, or squeezing your eyes and chanting. You must dig into your pain, confront your past, pause your ego long enough to admit that you don’t know as much as you wish you did, and let go of this negativity that surrounds you. Who are you, really? Why do you  carry so much regret, envy, or hate? Over-stand that it’s all connected. Be accountable for your own toxic aura because that’s the magnetic field you’ve been walking around with for too long.

Where do you start? Take it day by day. Instead of complaining, shut the fuck up, and solve the problem. Instead of falling into group think with the rest of sheep who do nothing but criticize, go read a book or meditate. Instead of talking about how a person is treating you badly, remove them from your life. Instead of being a cog in the machine where you wake up, work, eat, shit, waste time on your phone, and repeat, how about you set some weekly goals that can actually bring you joy? Instead of looking at other people as the enemy, start looking at them like mirrors that reflect back that same energy you give off. All the ignorant shit you think about people at work, school, or even strangers on the street, that’s bringing your vibration down. All the energy you give to hating celebrities or politicians, that’s bringing you down. All the self-doubt you have when deciding if you should shoot your shot, go on a date, or text someone first, is counterproductive. You’re nothing but a ball of doubt, fear, and anger—unravel that! It takes 21 Days to form a new habit. I dare you to spend the next three weeks thinking differently, acting differently, and looking at the world differently. The old way has gotten you how far? You’re bitter, sad, and secretly depressed. Switch it up! Take control over your thoughts, redefine your past, re-imagine your present, and watch how much better your near future plays out.

As soon as you get into a relationship it’s like a Cuffed Alert goes off and everyone’s suddenly interested. Look at the options when you’re single versus when you’re in a relationship, it’s like the Universe is playing a cruel joke. Between relationships you can’t attract anyone who consistently blows you away. Instead, you keep running into struggle baes who aren’t as good looking, established, or honest as you hoped. Dating is like produce shopping at a 99cent store, you know 9 out of 10 of those apples are going to be rotten by the time you get it home. Then things change… you find the person of your dreams, make it official and all is well, until BLAM! The glow of your commitment shoots up like the Bat Signal, and everywhere you go people are trying to get at you. The irony is, it’s no longer the 99cent brand, it’s Whole Foods quality—every exotic option you always wanted to try is now in your face. Where were they when you were single and lonely as fuck? And more importantly, what do you do when someone you’re feeling puts your relationship to the test?

The cliché saying of “the grass isn’t always greener” is just that, a saying. Some times it’s greener as fuck… others times it’s worse. I know a person who broke up for someone new and that relationship ended up being just as bad… but I also know a couple who started off creeping, yet ended up happily married. Each one of you is on an individual journey so you can’t look at anyone else’s results as law.

Breaking Up For Someone Better

India’s Email: “Hey G.L. since we last spoke things have improved but I didn’t quite take your advice. Remember **** the coordinator guy? I confided in him about my boyfriend around the same time I sent you that birthday recap and we have been talking after work like every day. It has gone from sitting in his car to grabbing dinner. Last Monday he made his move and kissed me. I did tease him about being afraid of me a few times, so I won’t sit here acting like it was unprovoked. I kissed him back but that’s all, I swear. Today we had a talk about it and he told me that he wants me to leave **** and start seeing him without all of the secrecy. He has made it clear that he is not a homewrecker and I believe that. He’s such a great guy who wants to take things slow and he understands me on a level that **** doesn’t. I know what you’re going to say, but wouldn’t it be smart if I played along and dated him while still in my relationship with ****? Also, what are your thoughts on sex at this stage? I don’t want to be that dummy that leaves her man for a guy with a trash penis lol. I think I know what to do but I’m scared, please help…”

By the time I was able to respond “India” had already fucked the new guy. By the end of the month the new guy had called India’s boyfriend and told him what went down and laid claim to her. Then all hell broke loose at home and at her job because both men became really petty. Right now, India’s single and neither man is talking to her. In short, she handled a delicate situation in the most Basica way ever. That’s not to pile on India. Most of you are in this same position or will be in the near future. In the age of social media, you will be tested by something that looks too good to resist. In the age of aggressive shot takers, “I have someone,” will only make them try harder. So many men crack at the first pretty girl that throws it at them and so many women are emotionally unprepared for romantic pressure from men that check all of her “husband material” boxes. There are people you will come across who compliment you much better than the person who you thought was your so-called “soul mate” and it’s time to take a realistic look at it.

I’ve written about how to take someone’s boyfriend, but I’ve never explored getting rid of your own for something new. The truth is that we’re all subject to temptation, especially when we’re in a relationship that isn’t going as great as it once was. There will always be other people who look better, talk better, or just have that vibe that makes you consider a switch. No matter if it’s someone new at work, an ex from the past, or a stranger who catches your eyes in public or on social media, you can easily get caught up. If there’s doubt or curiosity, love alone isn’t going to stop you from entertaining what they have to say. You just had a fight—they’re there to remind you that you have another option. You don’t feel appreciated—they’re there to offer you attention. You’re feeling irritated and distant—they’re there to put a smile on your face and breath new energy into your day. It’s not about sex or being greedy, it’s about the fear that you chose wrong. The more cracks in your relationship there are, the more tempted you will be to give that person a shot at proving that they can treat you better. Even if you try to fight it at first, each new argument or problem will make you think, “Damn, I should give such and such a chance.” This is not something you can talk to people about because you don’t want to be judged as disloyal or a cheater. Yet, despite the guilt, the feelings remain… Is this person better for you than your current boyfriend or girlfriend? There’s only one way to find out. Let’s start with the women then get to the men.

The Four Men That Will Ruin You

There’s no such thing as a soul mate or ONE person for each of us. Logically and scientifically you all know that’s myth making and social conditioning meant to keep women in that Disney Princess state of mind. There is a very real chance that the man you met months or years ago stops being consistent, stops growing with you, or simply annoys the fuck out of you after awhile. People change throughout a relationship, but it’s often for the worst. The guy who felt so magical now feels pedestrian and the thought of “is this what love is,” creeps into your brain. Most women ignore these feelings and keep trying to repair that relationship because that’s what little girls are trained to do “stand by your man.” The want for something more is a slow boiling feeling, and that’s where these four men come into play. Let’s be clear, no one can infiltrate a truly solid relationship, but most of your relationships aren’t solid. We as men can sense when a woman has a crack in her relationship, sometimes even before she realizes it. It’s in your eyes, it’s in the tone of your voice, it’s in your laugh, it’s even in your body language.

The New Guy That Has You Crushing Hard: Most of you will find yourself dealing with someone totally new and foreign to you. It could be the new hire at work who always asks about you or goes out of his way to speak. It may be some guy that pops up on social media following you and giving you extra attention. It could even be a stranger you bump into whom you have a legit reason to stay in contact with. Some examples I’ve seen have been mechanics who can help out with car issues, business owners who promise to hook you up, people in an industry who you want to network with, etc… All of these men start off innocent and platonic. In your mind you have someone, you’re not the kind of person who cheats, but these new guys know that once you crack the door to your heart, they can push all the way in. Work “husbands” turn into happy hour drinking partners. It’s only social media, until you two start DMing each other every day. The guy that helped you out with your flat tire, soon becomes that guy you text for advice. Dude who was trying to help you get your side hustle off the ground, starts looking like a snack, and you find yourself thinking about him more than your man.

The Ex That Promises to Do Better: Humbling the fuck out of an ex is an emotional orgasm. To have someone come crawling back admitting that they were in the wrong and begging for a second chance isn’t just an ego stroke, it’s a “what if”. To have loved and lost someone who is now back doing exactly what you wanted from the start will confuse your senses. These exes know you still have feelings, so they purposely play off the past while showing proof of change in the present. Your ex-boyfriend may come back with a “just friends” angle where he checks on you, makes sure you’re good, and that’s it. Your ex could also go the aggressive route and start buying you gifts, offering to do favors for you or family members, and pouring out his heart in ways he never would when you were a couple. Regardless if his approach is sneaky or direct, all it takes is you showing him signs that your current relationship is rocky, and he’ll keep reminding you that he was always your soul mate, he just needed a chance to mature.

The Platonic Friend That Wants More: 90% of you reading this has a guy in the friendzone who is dying to make his move. This could be your childhood bestie, someone from college who you friended on Facebook, a cousin or brother of one of your girlfriends, or even someone you once liked but decided you were better as friends. Of all the men you may be tempted by, this is the sneak attack few of you see coming. This friend who you’ve confided in knows the right things to say. He’s not a sexual threat so he can get you to lower your guard quicker than a new guy in terms of intimacy. This friend who genuinely loves you can make a case that he will never hurt you, and when your main guy isn’t acting right sometimes that’s all you need to hear to risk it all. In vulnerable times, it doesn’t matter if he isn’t your type, if he feels more like a brother, or that it’ll ruin or change the friendship dynamic going forward. The best relationships need strong foundations of friendship, and your platonic bestie has already passed that test, so of course he seems like the perfect solution.

The Unhappy Taken Guy: You meet a guy who’s nice, charming, and in a miserable relationship. Like most women you want to be helpful, so you proceed talk to him, advise him, and be positive about his choice to either stay or leave his current girlfriend. The guy begins to lean on you more and more, and that kind of vulnerability from a man is sexy. In response you begin to open up about your own relationship not being as good as it once was… and in that moment of “I wish she was you” the lines blur and you end up in a full-blown affair. I’ve seen this play out with everyone from NBA Players and Actresses to Nurses and Doctors. Nothing bonds two unhappy people than being able to vent about their significant other to someone who truly understands them.

How To Handle These Feelings

No matter what type of man suddenly has you in your feelings, it only takes three steps to sort it out, so you can make an honest and definite decision. The first step is to take your head out of your ass and use logic. Step out of the fantasy of being chased by something new and remember that you’re still being pursued by someone with an agenda. He says he has money but does he really? He says he can treat you better but is he just more of the same? He claims to be looking for something real, but is that all game? You can’t afford to get open off of TALK TALK TALK, you need to investigate your feelings by making sense of his. Start by breaking it down in these two ways…

Maybe He Wants To Love You: There are men who won’t let a preexisting condition called “She Has A Man” stop him from snatching his Queen. Guys who have loved and lost and have sampled all the dating scene has to offer and he will know with great certainty when he’s in front of a Game Changer. Think back to everything I’ve written on this subject especially MDLWLY and The Unicorn Delusion. If a man is trying to snatch you up and make you his, he does specific things to show it, he doesn’t just tell. Is this love or is it lust? Until you figure out his angle, you don’t have sex, you don’t leave the person you’re with, and you don’t lose yourself in his promises. The idea that it’s love and all the sweet things he’s drilling into your ear should be downplayed as infatuation.

Maybe He Wants To Fuck You: Doesn’t matter what he says, how he treats you, or the vibe he’s giving off, every man is chasing after pussy until he proves he’s not. “How can I get him to prove it without having sex,” if you thought any variation of this, then you need to start in the archives of this site because your way behind the Spartan Game. Remember that men come into your life wearing masks. Doesn’t matter if it’s an ex or a friend you’ve known for years, he’s going to put on an act in order to get you where he wants you, it’s the way ALL MEN hunt. When you’re already in a relationship, that mask becomes even harder to spot because you’re not in the “game” anymore. A woman that’s single is on high alert because she’s used to guys being full of shit, but your bullshit meter is rusty. Predators ask you questions about your relationships, pinpoint the weak spots, and turn up the heat by doing things he knows your man doesn’t do. It’s an emotional blitz that will take you by surprise. In the end the emotional affair will turn physical and you find yourself cheating or leaving your current boyfriend.

The fallout isn’t guilt, it’s the revelation that he was running game. He only wanted to fuck you because you were new, or it was a rush to take another man’s woman. Once that novelty wears off, he ghosts you or fakes an argument to push you away. Now you’re left feeling dumb and trying to get back with your ex. Most times your ex will take you back just to hate fuck you or to stroke his ego, but the trust is gone, and he’ll never love you the way he once did. In short order you’re back single and full of regret because you didn’t do your homework.

Test Drive

The next step is to put him to the test in a real way. How? You Interview this motherfucker for the next four weeks. If you were being courted normally you would date him to see if he treats you with value. If you were trying to work Ho Tactics on him, you would test him to see if he has money to spend and doesn’t mind spending it. No matter what you are looking to get from a man, it all begins with pressing him until he shows you what you need to see.

“Why Me” Conversation: It’s not enough for a man to like you just because he does. Typical women fall in love with those that flatter and kiss their ass. What is your appeal? Are you that cute, that funny, that engaging or are you just his latest project. Is it the personality or are you low hanging fruit? Maybe it’s the fact that you already have a man that makes you a must have. C’mon ladies, you know that men love to conquer things that are seemingly hard to get. The first conversation you have once you decide he may be worth your time is what drew him to you. This conversation needs to force him to give you specifics. No shallow answers like “your energy” or “your smile”. Also talk about your relationship in a real way. What happens if you don’t ever leave your man? Is he afraid that some other guy will come in and do the same thing he’s trying to do? Really make him uncomfortable by pointing out that you aren’t some damsel in distress. He can’t see you as just a fantasy, he has to see you as a woman with complex feelings who isn’t perfect.

Spend A Day: Women are the best kind of sneaky, so don’t act like you can’t get away from your current man for a day. Once you vet his interest in you, the time will come to normalize your feelings by hanging out. Under regular conditions you would go on dates, but you don’t have time for that. Instead, you need to play an entire day from afternoon to evening, where you spend time together. The purpose behind this is that fantasy thinking makes ordinary men seem special. Sneaking to text, getting pictures, him popping up, or making up excuse to hop on the phone, these things take you to a teenager mindset. Is it really them or is it the rush of being bad? The only way to keep your feelings honest is to spend time with this man for a long period of time. I have countless stories of how women no matter if it was long distance or creeping, realized after a bad date or a long weekend that the guy wasn’t what she really wanted. Watch how he pressures you for sex, listen to how he talks when you’ve run out of “I miss you” chit chat, observe how he spends money, pay attention to how he handles the other girl’s he’s dating or talking to in terms of ignoring calls or texts. The circus only lasts for two hours because kids get bored. Affairs usually don’t end in a real relationship because people get bored. Test yourself by spending real time at least once a week for four weeks.

Space: Are you making this too easy for him? Doesn’t matter if he’s the one chasing you, calling you, and trying to arrange dates to see you, are you giving in every time he reaches out or are you making him work? I’ll be honest, the women with boyfriends who I’ve messed with (messed with = fucked) were easier to get than single women. Single women required dates, they were aloof at times, they masked their feelings and played hard to get. Girls with boyfriends don’t play these games! I remember this one girl would always pick up on the first ring, she would be down to see me whenever I wanted, and she didn’t act shy or reserved when I went for sex. Never lose sight of how much adrenaline plays in romance. You have to pump your own breaks and remind yourself that this isn’t a case of you just wanting to get your pussy destroyed by something new, it’s real feelings about if this guy is a better fit universally. To throw the pussy at him without making him earn it in a real way can sour him on how much he actually wanted you from the jump.

Go a few days without speaking to him at a time. Don’t return every text or call. Stand him up. This is all a test. If he really wants to be with you his actions will adjust to prove it. If you’re just a notch on his belt he’ll show his true colors. Does he talk shit when he can’t get his way? Does he throw other women in your face to prove that he has options? Does he threaten you with telling your boyfriend? Does he start acting like a stalker? Trust me, you need to push this man to his limits to see if you can shake off his mask. Again, it doesn’t matter if it’s a new guy, a friend who you thought you knew, an ex, or a guy with his own girl, they all are the same until you push their buttons.

Honesty Hour: At the end of these four weeks, if he’s passed each test with flying colors, then you must have a come to Jesus moment with yourself. Do you still like this guy? Is he consuming your thoughts more than your current man? Do you want him physical and emotionally? No more of this “I don’t know,” indecisive bullshit that basic women do because they’re afraid to be real with themselves. I’m not asking you if it will work out, about karma, or about morals. Even after a month of vetting your feelings towards him and his consistent actions, have your feelings deepened or lessened for this disruptor? If the answer is “yes,” then the choice is clear, you need to break up with your current partner. “But I don’t want to hurt—” shut the fuck up and stop being a coward. We all are guilty of crushing on other people, we all have fantasies, but if you’ve taken it to the point where you legitimately enjoy someone else’s company over the person you’re with, then it’s time to end it.

It’s Not Him… It’s Him

Spoiler Alert: This had nothing to do with leaving the person you’re with for someone better, this was about you taking inventory of your relationship and coming away with proof that it was dying a slow death. This isn’t about the new guy being better, it’s about the old guy no longer working! I don’t want you to swap out the old for the new, I just want you to be honest. The hardest thing to do is to breakup because when there’s not a big argument or event, people keep holding on under the pretense of “it’s not that bad,” when it truly is that bad. You’re unhappy, you’re wasting both of your time, and you need to put an end to it, so you can move on the right way.

Maybe It’s You

I knew a married woman who was seeing a single man. When the man told her, he was going out to see a “friend” the married woman waited for five hours in front of his apartment complex, watched him come in with his “friend” and then slit the tires to his car. I asked her way was she so jealous when she had a WHOLE HUSBAND at home. Her response, “What’s mine is mine.” Not only do you need to look at the agenda of these men that come into your life, you have to take a hard look at what you’re trying to get out of this side dish relationship. Most times it’s not his dick, it’s his attention. Your own relationship is not good enough, so you’re getting high off the way a new man chases you. You’re telling him you love him. You’re threatening his other women. You’re forgetting that you’re the one in a committed relationship, not him. If you exhibit any of these signs, then you need to meditate or seek therapy on the deeper reasons behind your lust. Dick doesn’t make women crazy, the crazy is already there. Other people can’t take you from the one you’re with, you were already ready to leave, you just needed an excuse. Point the finger at all the ways they aren’t holding up to their side of the relationship to justify your emotions and actions, but in the end, you have to decide to do something about it, not just switch out one man for another man and hope you picked right this time around.

Healing

How do you move on romantically? Date this new guy? Assemble a new roster? Keep your ex around until you’re 100% sure you can’t work this out? You need alone time, princess. Understand that this was never about some new guy being your true soul tie, soul mate, or whatever fake deep word you read on the internet. This was someone who simply showed you that you have the potential to be happier. That other guy exposed the holes in your dream house, but you knew you had leaks all along. The last thing you need is to break up and jump into the arms of yet another man while you’re still unsure of what you need to be happy. Any man can treat you good for the honey moon period, any man can fuck you like he’s fresh out of jail when high on new lust, and any man can promise to never change when you’re living in a bubble. We don’t date in a bubble, we don’t love in the honeymoon period, relationships aren’t just hard work, they’re proving grounds that are supposed to bring you closer even during the bad times. Take time to find yourself. Don’t date at all until you’re ready. Take out your Spartan journal and write down how you got swept up in a weak relationship and then write down all the reasons you will never let it happen again. Life is a lesson. You’re either learning or losing.

For the Men Stuck with A Placeholder

What about the men? Guys routinely seek out new pussy then return to their same woman because they weren’t looking to upgrade. Some get their Diddy on and quickly switch out old bae for a new bae that looks just like old bae. Men have a hard time dealing with breakups and the falling out of love process because we’re internally stunted. I challenge every man to take self inventory of their current relationship and here’s a story that proves my point to the max: My good friend had been flirting with a few different women over the past three months and his thirst in general had began to rise as if he didn’t have a longtime girlfriend. My sister-in-law visited to celebrate her birthday here in LA, and during a drinking game we were all instructed to “drink if you’re single” he quickly took a shot and said, “Well I’m not married so I’m single, right?” This wasn’t a joke as he flirted with my wife’s sister all night long. A few weeks later it was a new woman at work that had him open. They went out to talk business, then it ended with drinks, and a weekend of sexting. Then yet another girl caught his eye, and he was sending me screenshots of their conversations. At NO point did he tell any of these women he had a girlfriend. I asked him straight up, if this were your girl doing these things how would you feel? He shut down.

In that moment I thought about my readers, those women who are in love with men who really don’t want them but will never leave no matter how much advice I give. I couldn’t let it keep going on, so I told him directly that it’s not about new girls or his thirst for sex, it’s about his dissatisfaction with his woman. The same woman who he told me he wanted to marry by next year. Think about that. He was in the midst of planning an elaborate engagement, but secretly he wasn’t sure. It took those new women to shake up his world, and me to talk to him man to man and tell him to take a break. He did break up, but so many other guys are out here wasting the time of women who are fully committed. Fellas, you know when it’s about sex and you know when it’s about unhappiness. If you have a woman who has slowly declined into a Placeholder, you have to make the mature decision to cut her loose. My own friend just wasted years with a woman who was always going to be a Placeholder, and now she has to pick the pieces and go back to the dating game older and damaged. Women stick around and ignore the red flags more often than not, so I’m challenging any man that’s feeling unfulfilled to do right by the both of you and walk away because you can’t assume she will get the hint.

Finding Your Game Changer ASAP

What’s next? Moving on is hard, vetting people seems like a chore, and sometimes settling for a Placeholder seems safer than going for what you really want. Fuck that. I invite each one of you, men and women, to read She Ain’t It: Platinum Edition. It’s an updated version of the book complete with FIVE NEW CHAPTERS that takes you from the meeting stage all the way to relationship problems and how to fix them before you break up. While aimed at men, this book is a MUST READ for women, as it sheds light on personality traits you may no know that hold you back as well as insight into what quality men are looking for in a Game Changer Vs Placeholder.

*UNTIL THE END OF OCTOBER anyone who downloads and leaves a review will receive ONE FREE EMAIL QUESTION, send your purchase/review screenshot and question to BGAEAdvice@gmail.com with the header SHE AIN’T IT.* It’s available right now on Amazon:

Click Here To Download

Dating should never feel like hard work and relationships should never feel like an everyday struggle. Nevertheless, if you hear the average man or woman talk about the process of finding “the one” you get an earful of doubt. It’s hard out here… I don’t have time… People are so fake… I’m tired… Blah blah blah! Not only is that a trash ass mentality, it’s the sole reason your results are either mixed or limited. As long as you THINK finding someone special is hard, pointless, or that it’s not going to work out for you because it never does, your Universe will grant that wish as those thoughts become reality. You aren’t getting the best results because you’re buying into the brainwashing that life is about being damn near perfect or getting lucky. Wrong. Over the years I’ve personally helped toxic people hit reverse and become successful, coached immature men into husbands, and took women who thought they weren’t attractive and proved that the could snatch a man’s soul! Life is about power. Those who know how to use this power will get what they want, those who don’t will continue to cry and settle. If you’re tired of being a bystander in your own life, read on.

Change Your Mindset

The reason romance is stressful is that most of you are guilty of forcing the issue with people who aren’t compatible. Think about the process of meeting, getting to know a person, and then trying to figure out if you mesh. It’s all done while filled with lust and/or anxiety. How can you be relaxed and impressive when you’re worrying if someone will like you or not? How can you stick to the game plan of getting your value when you’re horny and they’re applying sexual pressure? You can’t prove you are different when you’re giving into basic traits that lead to basic behavior! In order to perform to your best ability no matter if it’s a first date or the first year of a relationship, you need to change your mindset when it comes to your internal weaknesses. Key word being “your“. Most of you give great dating and relationship advice to your friends but your own love life is trash. When you’re talking to other people or looking from the outside in, you don’t have to worry about feelings. Turn the tables and you rarely take your own advice because you’re bias. Why? You haven’t done the internal work, you remain gassed off your ego and defensive attitude.

Let’s pretend that you are a typical woman who knows how everyone else should date, but can’t apply it to her own life. You go on a date with a guy that’s a perfect 10, but in your mind that doesn’t matter because you’re not thirsty… or so you claim. After dating guys you barely like for months, what would your actions show us on the first date when presented with someone who looks good but has red flags? He’s obnoxious, a little too cocky for your taste, and he asked you to pay for drinks on the first date. If that was your friend, you would say, “Make that the last date, he seems like an asshole already.” But this isn’t your friend, it’s you in the driver’s seat which means you judge him based on your options or lack thereof. Yeah, he’s obnoxious but he’s fine as hell and the right kind of tall. Yeah, he’s cocky, but you kind of like having a man that’s sure of himself and can put you in your place. Sure, he asked you to pay, but you aren’t looking for a Sugar Daddy, you’re happy to prove that you’re not a broke bitch. No matter what negatives this man shows on your first date, your brain twists them and makes them “not so bad” because he has pros that turn you on plus you think the alternative is going back to less unattractive or confident men.

I see this story play out weekly when women email me for advice. Ms. High Standards turns into Ms. In Love With An Asshole because she makes the easy choice to keep dating that kind of guy she swore she was better than. Not all men exploit and overachieve because they lie to women, most win because women settle! The hole in your game isn’t that you aren’t smart enough to see when a man isn’t everything you’re looking for, it’s that you are so tired of looking that you settle for the most basic qualities—Looks and Attitude. Exhaustion makes you sloppy, and right now you’re sick of tired of having to do so much work to be happy. You just want “your type” to fall in your lap. Instead “fool’s gold” falls in your lap disguised as your salvation, and because of that exhaustion, you will end up getting used, played, pregnant, or your time wasted. I repeat– CHANGE YOUR MIND FROM THIS LOW VIBRATION.

The best relationship advice I can give any woman who is sick of dating or broken by their current relationship is to remember who you are. This idea that you have to take what’s given is bullshit. This idea that there is one man for you and that if you pass him up you’ll be single forever is propaganda to keep you chained to a mediocre prospect. This idea that you’re not girlfriend pretty, don’t hit the right number on the scale, or lack the personality to make a man fall in love is a lie that you tell yourself. Who are you? Either you’re a woman who has bought into the story that you won’t get what you want and will always have to settle for the best available option or you’re a fucking Spartan Queen who knows no limits to her ability to attract the best of the best.

GODFIDENCE

Your face is as pretty as you believe it is when you look in the mirror. Your body shape is as sexy as you believe it is when trying on clothes. Your personality is as electrifying as you make it when you open your mouth and speak with full confidence. Strength doesn’t come form the external factors, designer brands, college degrees, work titles, waist size, butt size, or what car you’re driving. You’re a woman! Your smile can pull a man into your orbit. Your gaze can make a man nervous. The way you hang on your words can make a man instantly hard. You have so many tools at your disposal, but you rarely use them because you’re stuck in your own head. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he’s just after sex? Maybe I need to wait until I lose a few more pounds. I wished I looked like my cousin, guys are always chasing her? Why can’t I just find a man that comes up to me, first, I’m sick of putting myself on the line. Hear that? Your mind is filled with weak basic bitch thoughts that destroy your self-esteem and transform you into just another woman struggling to find love. Spartans don’t give into weak thoughts. Spartans don’t let the negative “what if” fester. Spartans don’t make wishes, they make shit happen! Which is it? Are you a Basica or are you a Spartan? Are you going to keep crying about “it’s so hard out here, I’m just going to give up” or are you going to make this world your bitch?

Define what you want in your head, stop going out into the world unsure because all that will lead to is conflicting results. Define what you want in a relationship by using your voice to tell that person your needs. Understand what I’m writing– Don’t assume, don’t shy away, don’t put your future in a man’s hands. Tell him what you’re looking for and know up front if he’s on the same page. Define who you are by being a woman whose actions match her words. You can’t brag about how you’re hard to get then sleep with a guy who did the bare minimum. You can’t claim to be looking for something serious then give your all to someone who is just trying to chill and build. Stop crying about being lied to when you’re the one lying to yourself about how much someone cares about you. You know damn well that their actions don’t measure up to their words, but you’re afraid to admit it! If they wanted you they wouldn’t treat you like shit. If they wanted you they wouldn’t keep stalling. If they wanted you they wouldn’t put you second. Hold yourself accountable for each person you give your phone number to. Make them earn that first date, second date, and free time by consistently proving that they are looking for the same things you are. The days of contradicting yourself, going with the flow, and being low maintenance are over. Nobody is a One of One to be clung onto! Remember, what they won’t do, the next one will.

Remember who you are! You’re not ugly, you’re not a fetish, you’re not a placeholder, you’re not a toy, you’re not cursed or unlucky. Stop hiding your True Self. Show your personality without being tripped up by your nerves. Show your sex appeal without fear of coming off as awkward. Attack life like the Goddess you are because regretting your choices 20 years from now will hurt a lot more than the possible rejection of today. You are a Spartan. Affirm that. Live That. Become that.

You Can Have Anything… Yes, AnythingClick HERE To Download A Free Sample of my book Men Don’t Love Women Like You

A woman dates a man for three months and after they finally have sex, she pushes him for a commitment. The guy goes to the bathroom, comes back ten minutes later and confesses that he loves her BUT already has a girlfriend and he wouldn’t feel right. He felt right about dating this woman. He felt right about texting her nearly every day. He felt right about putting his face between her legs… but now he’s thinking about his girlfriend. The woman who told me this story vented about how horrible men are and how she’s through with dating. I simply asked— Did you miss the red flag of his relationship because he was that good at hiding it or did you blind yourself because you wanted him to work?

A man courts a woman for the better half of a year, then they agree to give a real relationship a chance. Not even a week later the girl is in his apartment going through his closet, demanding the passcode to his computer, and accusing him of cheating. Even after the man gives her full range of all of his devices, she’s still not satisfied and it’s an argument every time he doesn’t answer the phone or isn’t home by a certain time. Finally, the man runs into a friend of a friend who says, “Yeah, she burned her ex with an iron while he was sleep.” The guy telling me that story was pointing out to me that no matter how nice you treat females, they’re all crazy and will find a way to push a “good man” away. I simply asked—Did you miss the red flags during the entire year you were dating her because she was that good at hiding her damage or did you blind yourself because you wanted her to work?

Not all men are users and predators and not all women are crazy and overly emotional, if this is all you know, then it’s time to look at the choices YOU MAKE when dating. No one should jump in a relationship after a few weeks, the dating process should last at least 1-3 months before you make a final choice. In that time, you mean to tell me you miss all the signs that this person is sneaky, jealous, has anger issues, or is prone to lies or exaggerations? I know that Red Flags can be hard to spot when you’re caught up in the moment of new love/lust/like but you’re an adult who must take responsibility for his or her choices. This isn’t about easy stuff like if they drink too much, don’t have a job, or any surface level traits you can pick up on. The red flags that ruin most of you are the things you need to look for over time. Don’t cry about effort and not having time to be a detective; a lasting relationship isn’t like a damn Disney movie, it requires actual work. Your only job is to be careful with your heart because the person you’re dating damn sure won’t. If you’ve been on the wrong end of a bad relationship that you now regret, then the security system to your heart and mind is defective. Maybe it’s your ego. Maybe you’re naïve. Maybe you’re plain old slow. Either way, it’s time to fill those holes so no one can every play you for a fool again.

Dating Stage Red Flags

Consistency Holes: The first week or two of dating will have that person on their best behavior, but there are several things you can do to poke holes in their act. For instance, a woman that’s trying to hustle a man out of money or just wants male attention will tease, but she won’t get too intimate. Any smart man knows that body language, if she allows him to kiss her, and her overall energy when reaching out to him will give away her true feelings. “I’m shy… I like to take it slow…” should fade after a few dates, if not that’s an obvious Red Flag that she’s hustling you. The same goes for dating women who are carrying some kind of damage. Snapping when you don’t text back, getting a random attitude, allowing one comment to drastically change her mood. That’s not a result of you not knowing how to talk to women, that’s proof that she’s battling some kind of internal demon. Fear of being rejected, played, or not being good enough will drive a seemingly great girl to sabotage and expose her true self because mentally she’s not built to deal with any man except her asshole exes or similarly damaged guys who speak her toxic love language. As I wrote in She Ain’t It, most men ignore everything I just wrote, not because they’re “Captain Save-A-Ho” but because it’s hard to see past that pretty face or insane body to do the work in the moment.

Women tend to miss Red Flags like Shaq missed free throws. Why? Because men often mask their flaws behind nice treatment. Ladies, think about the blitz a man puts on you when he first meets you. He’s trying his best to impress you and he’s showering you with attention. Even during his “nice guy” sales pitch, there are ways to expose the Red Flags. Communication is a big one. You can’t allow a man to just text you and see you. If he’s hiding a girlfriend, if he doesn’t actually do the work he claimed to do, or if he simply sees you as a new vagina not really worth his time, the communication will be limited to the easy text chit chat. Liars don’t want to get on the phone. On the phone you can ask questions, you can hear what’s going on in the background, you can catch him in his lies instantly. His best bet is to keep it text based and say, “I don’t really like the phone.” Men in relationships can only see you during certain times or call you during certain times, right? Instead of going with the flow, throw a wrench in their game. They text you—call them. They want to go out at 8pm on Friday, tell them to make it for the next night. What this does is open the door to hearing their excuse for not being able to do it, then later testing that excuse…

Red Flag Test: A man that’s juggling other women or who doesn’t really want to date you seriously will ignore your phone call and text back later… he was sleep, didn’t have his phone near him, or in a place with bad service. Obvious lies! A man that has a live-in girlfriend or has another date can’t take you out other than the time he gave you because his weekend is booked. Instead he’ll tell you, “Oh I have to do something for my mother that night.” Another lie. Not every excuse is bullshit, but early on you must push these people outside of their comfort level to see if they keep coming up with similar excuses. If he does that same “my phone didn’t have service” lie the next week—Red Flag. If he can’t meet up on a different day than he tried to arrange for a second week in a row—Red Flag. If the only thing he’s consistent about is trying to see you so he can try for sex and the rest of his life remains a mystery—Red Flag. Stop wasting multiple weeks or months on these clowns, and apply pressure during that first week. If you allow yourself to be led and charmed, you’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, and by the time they show their true colors you’ll feel stupid because you had a chance to stop yourself from falling hard early on.

Crooked Answers: Actions take time to test, but words are instant. When you’re on the phone or in person, your best weapon when vetting is asking deep questions. I wrote about this in MDLWLY and so many women have written in about how it was a life saver. The goal isn’t to catch someone in a lie. The goal is to listen to them tell on themselves or dodge questions. If you ask a woman who just got out of a bad relationship where she was the negative force, what happened to her last boyfriend, you will get a bias and pre-planned response. Everyone is prepared to answer the easy question about why they are currently single, and every will give you a version that makes them seem like the victim. Your job is to flip the script and ask, “What was the last big argument you got in with a man,” and watch how her wheels start spinning. Everyone likes to tell stories and express themselves, right? That question will cause her to open up a little, knock up against some personal pain, and give you a way to easily keep pushing her until she gives away more than she wanted.

The same thing applies for women who are dating men who are full of shit or hiding baggage. Ladies, you will meet guys who lie about everything from the job they have, to the car they actually drive, to their relationship status. Don’t sit on the phone or across from him on a dinner date and let him just flirt and blow smoke up your ass about the moves he’s making, how his ex-girlfriend cheated on him, or any tall tale that makes him a saint. Ask specific things about his job title. Ask about the people he knows. Talk about popping up to visit him at his home. Push him to tell you a real story from his past relationship, not just the generic, “she was crazy,” lines. Liars get nervous when you get near the truth! Dates are meant to softly interrogate not giggle and talk about your horoscopes.

Lazy Effort: A huge Red Flag will come in the form of effort… or lack thereof. The first month or two is the honeymoon period, right? They like you a lot, they’re trying to see you twice in a row, they’re trying to make big plans. It’s a gold rush. Maybe this impassioned effort is because they see you as special or maybe it’s to get you comfortable to the point where they can have sex or exploit you in other ways. Men especially deal in equity. If he took you to a good dinner, brought you something, or did you a favor—He loosens your suspicions. Most of you reading this have dealt with men who didn’t treat you to nice things or weren’t romantic, so to meet a man who goes above and beyond puts him ahead on the score card. Now that he’s ahead on the score card you may notice something interesting. No more fancy dates. No more gifts. No more favors that he has to go out of his way to do. You can’t get too mad, because self-guilt dictates that he did all of that stuff before, so he’ll do it again soon. Soon never comes, and by the time you figure out he hustled you he’s already gotten you to agree to house dates, had sex, or won you over with his personality to the point where you aren’t going to stop talking to him, despite him not treating you the way he did when you first met.

A person’s effort towards you tells you everything you need to know. Expose this Red Flag by keeping your foot on the gas during the dating stage. If you’re not in an official relationship, stay demanding! It’s too early to always want to chill at the house. It’s too early to be telling you they’re too busy or don’t feel like seeing you. It’s too early to be taking you for granted like you’re just some Basic ass side project. If the way they treat you dips each week you know them, it’s not a coincidence, it’s proof that they’re trying to train you to settle for less. Don’t roll with the punches, don’t buy into the excuses that they’re tired or busy, don’t let them guilt you by bringing up the things they did for you in the past. This is the real them, that other person was just a representative. Take this lazy effort seriously as a sign that if you do continue on, things will keep declining to the point where you will be yet another person stuck in an unfulfilling relationship.

Relationship Stage Red Flags…

Runs Away from Talks: Communication is King. It sounds cliché, but most of you don’t know how to communicate about how to communicate. Follow me? You know how to bring things up after the fact, you know how to act passive, you know how to erupt when you’re sick of holding it all in. But do you know the art of killing arguments before they form? Every couple needs at least an hour of alone time to just talk. Forget Netflix, forget going out, forget vacations—you need to talk for an hour at least three times a week. In long relationships the conversations become about nothing. How was work—No one cares. Guess what mess your friend got into with her boyfriend—No one cares. What do you want to eat—No one cares. Real talks disappear in long term relationships and gets replaced by chit chat and gossip. Isolate each other from that world and open up about larger topics. Mentally how do you feel? How do they feel? Bring up a TEDTalk or a book you read. If something is bothering you ask for advice. If you have a problem with something they recently did, now’s the time to bring it up calmly. You should be constantly getting to know each other even in a relationship by having Quality Time. If the person you’re with stone walls you, gives you one sentence answers, or isn’t interested in being transparent about their own inner thoughts, then you have a problem. Distance can’t grow if you two are open books. If they shut down or want to keep it chit chat, then it’s only a matter of time before the relationship crumbles.

Attitude Around Others: Watch your girlfriend or boyfriend around other people. Observe how they talk to your friends, how they look at your co-workers, and the comments they make in public about service workers or even random strangers that you come across. I get a lot of email from women who found themselves in abusive relationships. The common trait most times was that their boyfriends isolated them from their friends, talked down to other people, and showed all the signs of being a narcissistic asshole months before they turned their sites on the woman. In the early relationship stage, miserable, angry, and bitter people will direct that energy to other people because it’s too early to take shots at you. Don’t laugh when he says racist remarks, don’t think he has your back when he’s talking down about your friends being snakes, and don’t think he has your back when he nods along that your family members have issues. Once he divides you from your support system, it’s game over. It’s easy to manipulate with half-truths, “I thought you said she was a liar, now you’re listening to her about us?” or “Didn’t your mother say that about your last boyfriend, you know she’s just jealous of you.” Don’t confuse protecting you with preying on you!

Look for a partner who has positive things to say about friends and family or if there are issues, observe how they give you the floor to talk without feeling a need to double down and cosign. A decent person will be all ears, they won’t automatically jump to the negative that they need to be cut off. Give them time alone with your friends or associates, like when going to the bathroom or networking at a party. The more rope you give a person to do something sneaky the greater odds they will do it. When you wait too long to expose the fact that they’re overly flirty, talk too much about personal issues, or puts you down behind your back, you won’t want to address it because you’re in too deep. Use other people as tools to test the person behind the mask sooner than later.

New Routines: How can you grow apart from someone you still love? How can distance form even when you sleep under the same roof? Easy, first the communication breaks down, then the excitement fizzles, and in turn you go from being a couple in love to…furniture—you’re just there. I talk to a lot of women who grow bored with their boyfriends’ lack of romance or creativity, so they start to take on “friends” or hang with girlfriends that are still single and down to have fun. In EVERY one of those cases the girl ends up having a physical or emotional affair because the other guy (or even girl) lights a fire that her boyfriend doesn’t. I personally know several men who can’t stand to be at home with their girls on the weekend and are constantly looking to have a guy’s night or go drinking. Just the other week I got hit with, “Come out with us, your wife got your balls in her hands?” The difference was, I enjoy hanging out with my wife, he loathes hanging out with his girlfriend.

In your relationship, there’s space, and then there’s straying. Pay attention to the Red Flag of new routines because while they start off as innocent they can quickly evolve into something that will tear you apart. Affairs, new circles of friends, and even the realization that they are happier being single without you. If you see this happening, don’t yell, don’t try to limit where they go, hit the source of the problem—why don’t we do things together anymore? Once again, communication is needed along with patience. If you have a talk about incorporating each other into more exciting things and going out more, but they continue to run off to do them, it’s already over.

Situationship Stage Red Flags…

Control Minus the Label: Many of you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you have a “friend”. Someone that understands that you don’t want anything serious (or so you claim) and is there to scratch your emotional or physical itch while you’re trying to figure out what you really want. The problem with situationships are that they are rarely balanced. A huge Red Flag is when your situationship bae begins to dictate what you can and can’t do and lays a guilt trip when you go against their wishes. For example; If you’re a woman who has a fuck buddy that you see every Saturday, take a week off from seeing him. If he responds by accusing you of seeing someone else, tries to guilt you, or any mind game tactic, then he’s showing you that this isn’t Friends with Benefits, he sees you as his concubine. He wants boyfriend benefits minus the title, because he wants to still sleep with other women as they pop up, while holding onto you. Some women and men don’t mind being controlled because they’re hoping the situationship grows into something legit. Spoiler Alert it doesn’t. For more on that Read THIS ENTRY.

Ghosting: The move of the century is Ghosting. A manipulator realizes that walking away without explanation mindfucks a person to the point where they want them even more. Think about human psychology. No one likes to be ignored. Email, text, DM, phone call—to reach out and not be acknowledged hurts your ego because the other person is basically saying you’re not worth their time. Here you are thinking you’re the shit, and they’re like, “Nah, you’re corny.” In situationships, Ghosting is the lasso that puts you back in place whenever you try to stray. I get at least ten emails a month asking how to turn a friend with benefits situation into a real relationship. Most from women who have already tried gimmicks. Those gimmicks like, ignoring him, going on dates with other men, and making ultimatums don’t work because these ladies aren’t committed to change, it’s a bluff.

Tell a man who sees you as a sex toy or good time girl that he either makes it official or you walk. What happens is that he will give you a heartfelt excuse, then disappear. The key to ghosting is that there is no closure. It’s not, “I can’t be with you, sorry, go live your life.” Instead you get, “I got a lot going on, but let’s talk about it this weekend.” The weekend comes, and he’s gone. You text text text then call call call, and nothing. Instead of being happy that you’re free of this fuck boy, anxiety sets in. You’re now afraid that you pushed him away, and panic. You brainwash yourself to think that he wasn’t that bad, and now will do anything to talk to him so you can clear the air, thus you lower your standards and go back to normal. In the end, he wins because your weak ass emotions made you cave in. You enter back into the situationship with even less power than you had before, because that man now knows that you need him more than he needs you. Ghosting is a powerful weapon when used on a weak mind.

Ego Checks: Words not only hurt, they beat a person down until they no longer have the will to do better. The biggest Red Flag you will ever expose comes in the form of how someone talks down to you. Nothing in life is as simple as it seems, so while you may think you would never let someone disrespect you, reality shows that it happens to even the strongest of minds. Ego checks start off as jokes or side comments. “Getting a little fat,” “Still working that same old job,” “Good job, genius.” Your weight, your career, your intelligence are the easiest things to attack under the cover of “just kidding” but nothing’s funny about Gas Lighting. These manipulators need you to feel like they’re the only ones who want you, that you’re so damaged and flawed that your best bet is to stick it out with them. Spartan Up and understand what’s going on in the moment. They are pinpointing your insecurities and taking shots like a sniper. The moment you hear a cruel joke—check them. The moment they criticize in a way that puts you down without trying to give helpful advice—check them. The moment they curse at you or threaten you, then blame it on their temper, alcohol, or any other factor—leave them. Life is too short to keep giving second and third chances to someone who’s goal is to beat you down until they feel better about themselves.

It’s Okay To Start Over

Every romantic relationship is replaceable. Affirm that right now because the only reason Red Flags slip by is because YOU want to believe in the potential of the person more than the reality of their actions. No matter how good they look, how successful they are, how good they are in bed, or how pretty their words sound, keep your eyes open to the small, yet telling, negative qualities they show over time. Push out this thought that you aren’t good enough to find someone else or that it’s better to stay with the devil you know. You’re more than enough! Flawed individuals want you to buy into the fact that they’re rare, that they’re trying to change, and that you’re going to regret leaving them. It’s all a con job. YOU are the rare one in the relationship, you have the power to find something better, and they will be the ones filled with regret over not treating you better. Know your worth, get your worth, and never tie yourself to a mediocre person when your future has so much better in store for you.

Life could be so simple if the man you like/love/crush on would just stop playing games. Why is he so hot and cold? Why is he unwilling to fully commit? Why does he push you away only to pull you back in? Is he testing you? Is it your fault? Him Him Him, is all you think about and it’s driving you crazy! Truth Bomb: The man you want doesn’t actually want you. He can say that he loves you, explain all the reasons why he needs more time, or shift the blame to you as the reason he acts the way he does, but regardless of the details, it doesn’t change the fact that you are sinking in a boat known as “Relationship Purgatory”. The dark side of dating is that for every cute social media couple there even more messy situationship couples who are trapped in one of the following:

On Again Off Again – Two people that are technically in a relationship but are always going on break then getting back together to the point where neither knows what they are anymore.

Friends With Benefits – Two people that have agreed to use each other for sex and/or company with a loose agreement that neither wants something serious.

Stalled Dating Stage – Two people that are deep into the dating stage, but no one has brought up exclusivity, therefore both remain single, frustrating the person who wants to be in a real relationship.

Unofficial Yet Official – Two people that agree not to see anyone else and do everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do, yet keeps the option for someone new open by not committing to a label or title.

Few people in those relationships listed above are happy, they’re content and satisfied in the moment when they’re with that person, but no woman wants to be in some half-ass relationship where she doesn’t 100% know what to label it. You’re giving Girlfriend Benefits to a man who isn’t even sure about you– you proud of that? You’re giving Wife Benefits to a guy who doesn’t even return your calls– this the life you imagined? As you all know, I get an enormous amount of email each week. A constant question is, “How can I get him to be like he used to?” or “How can I tell him that I changed my mind and want a commitment?” I bet the most googled question after the guy you’re crazy over has YET to text back is: Why won’t he let me go if he doesn’t want me.

“This Could Be Us But You’re Playing“. Ha! In a man’s mind there is no “us”. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. If he’s “playing” then he’s telling you to read between the LINES: He doesn’t want to live a fairy tale with you, he just wants to keep milking the cow for free until a better version of you comes along! Common sense isn’t so common when feelings get involved. No matter how smart you are, falling in love will make you do some basic ass things, like hold on for too long and allow a man to waste the best years of your life. Today I’m going to talk about insight into the male mind. I’ve written about the solution to this problem in my book, but sometimes it’s not about what to do, it’s about the “why”. When your heart is breaking, you don’t want someone telling you to walk away, you just want to know why this man has changed—Is it you? Is it another woman? Is it him? There’s no way to jump into the mind of all men and generalize, but I will try to shed light on the top reasons I’ve seen, heard, witnessed, and even done myself.

You Lost Your Luster

Looks. Personality. Attitude. If any of these things change in a man’s mind while dating or in a relationship with you, he will lose interest quick. Let’s backtrack and take you through each trait starting with Looks. As men, we go for looks above all else, you know that. The thing 90% of women lose track of is that when we talk about “looks” it isn’t about being Magazine Cover pretty, it’s a wide net that encompasses a bunch of x-factors which inspires LUST. Men chase their fetishes. All any woman has to do to attract a man is to have some trait that taps into a fetish, which then inspires his lust. He’ll give chase, and at that point you’re in control. While he’s hypnotized and thinking with his dick or getting overly romantic, that’s when you can fully win him over with your personality and attitude. Sounds easy right? No, because most women don’t understand male lust enough to use it against them. They see a cute boy chasing them, get excited, and give in to him without exercising power over his lust-filled MIND. For example, I once dated a girl who had these incredible breasts but an okay face. It was only after sex that the lust dissipated and I realized that she wasn’t at all what I wanted. My hormones fetishized her and there was no real personality trait that changed my mind to look past that. This is how men operate on a subconscious level. Other men may be more into a big butt, a certain skin tone, lip size, shit I even have a friend who is obsessed with extremely muscular women. The point is, each man you meet will take a look at you and like you on the surface because no matter how you look, there is a fetish aspect that triggers him to chase you… at first that is.

Personality and Attitude are deeper than looks, but it can also be misleading. When you first met this guy, he saw you on your best behavior. On a date or during that first week of texting, you’re a novelty act, saying all the right things and having all of those exciting new conversations where you talk about your past and future. Men aren’t these tough creatures, we fall fast and get swept up in the idea of a woman we first meet because she’s new and vibrant. The attitude you display matches this positive personality because you have no reason to get smart, be defensive, or raise your voice this early on. If you have above average charm, then that first week or so you’re going to come off like the perfect woman. You’re being different from these Basicas he’s used to dating, and he repays this by giving you his attention and affection to the point where it feels like you’ve finally won at love. This is the point where most of you were the happiest. It seemed to be going up up up…then suddenly the wheels fall off. Why? The luster wore off on either your Looks, Attitude, or Personality.

No matter how tight your vagina is, sex alone won’t keep his attention after he’s had his fill.

Being pretty eventually wears off, and he goes from “oh my god” to “oh, it’s her“.

If your personality gives way to normal chit chat and redundant questions, he becomes bored.

Losing your luster happens silently. He doesn’t say anything, but you feel it, don’t you? It drives you crazy that you can’t read his mind to ask him why he’s not reacting to you like he used to or why his energy level is dying out. But you don’t need to read his mind to understand what’s going on. When a man is inconsistent, isn’t trying to move forward, or giving you bullshit reasons for why the relationship has stalled, think about Looks, Personality, and Attitude. He most likely doesn’t think your “pretty” is worth it anymore. Why? The fetish has been satisfied. He had sex with you or got to the point where sex with you wasn’t even something he wanted any longer because you stopped turning him on. Next up is personality. In this case, he still wants you physically but now that he’s gotten to know you emotionally he doesn’t like the things you’re into or talk about. Finally, you have your attitude. He’s no longer trying to make things official because your attitude is shitty. Maybe you do have an attitude problem that makes you annoying, but most likely it’s him not being able to handle the real you. Now that you’re comfortable around him you stand up for yourself or argue points more than you did when you were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. Remember that some men like the novelty of new women because it’s fun and they can get away with things, once you two bond and you start to speak your mind or make demands, it turns off controlling or narcissistic men. He didn’t sign up for a strong woman, he wanted the weak, nice, and submissive, so now that the luster is gone he’s waiting for the right time to ghost you or have a reason to cut ties.

You Weren’t Who He Thought You Were

It would be unfair for me to blame the man for everything, there are many cases when the cooling off isn’t due to his own ego or immaturity, but yours. I’ve come across several women who needed to work on themselves, not date, because their entire disposition was toxic. A wise person never points fingers outward until they first point them inward! Who are you as a woman? Are you nagging? Are you clingy? Are you annoying? Are you jealous? Are you eternally pessimistic? Do you overthink everything? Do you like to argue just to argue? Are you a boring homebody? Are you an attention seeking party girl? Do you live for internet likes? Do you live for gossip? Do you actually have things you’re doing with your life? Are you the type of woman that leads or follows? It may seem like men only care about sex, but we do pay attention to deep character traits as well. The reason he doesn’t want you anymore could have everything to do with you not measuring up to the high expectations he projected when you two first met.

“She was so cool at first,” I’ve heard my male friends say this line time and time again. It’s only a matter of time before everyone’s masks comes off, and they’re exposed as either the love you wanted, or the wake up call you needed. For instance, my friend dated a woman who was all about being an entrepreneur and had some great business ideas, then her talk stopped, and her demons came out in the form of drinking too much and blaming all of her setbacks in life on her mother. Again, who are you? Are you fake-deep, fake-positive, or just on a high after reading the latest gimmick self-help book? The Daddy Issues will come out and he won’t want you. The pain from your ex will come out and he won’t want you anymore. The self-loathing you carry around will come out and he won’t want you anymore. Men aren’t trying to fix what another man broke! He’ll hang in there, pretend that everything is fine, but all he’s doing at that point is waiting for a right time to exit your life.

You Were Just Something To Do

Let’s keep it real, many of you will become involved with men who don’t think that you are that attractive, that charismatic, or that interesting. Why would any man chase a woman he doesn’t think highly of? Because men always need something or someone to do, when bored! You were a woman who happened to be at the right place during the right time in his life, and he pursued you because it was convenient and easy. That may hurt to read, but I’m not going to hold your hand and sugar coat this, so you keep allowing men to pick you up and put you down like some toy. You need to know how guys think so you can stop letting your ego blind you. You are a good time girl, low maintenance, and require little energy exertion because you just want to be picked. Any savvy man can spot a weak and lonely woman with little to no options, so he will keep you around until he totally exhausts your usefulness. That’s it. All of the sweet words he says—lies to keep you on the leash. All of the nice things he did for you—keeping up appearances so you stay put. All of the things you swear prove that he cares about you—just a magic trick to maintain the status quo. You’re a placeholder, a seat filler, Ms. Inconsequential.

He Wants Someone Else

There are men who truly love you, at one point maybe they were even In Love… but he was presented with the temptation of something better and now he’s souring on you as “the one”. Shit happens. We live in an age where even the most average guy is exposed to beautiful women who are only one keyboard stroke away. We live in a world where single women are often turned on by a taken men, and don’t mind showing your “guy friend” she’s a better fit. Men who were never truly in love are easily tempted. How do you know it’s another woman and not one of the other things I’ve listed? You will notice a change overnight when he’s set his sights on another woman. Men can juggle women in terms of sex, but few can juggle them in terms of emotions. If his mind is filling with thoughts of her, he doesn’t want to take you on dates, do romantic things, or give you any of the treatment you were accustomed to because that energy is reserved for this new girl. Sure, he can still fake a kiss, sex, and play the role of putting you first, but the fact that he’s changed up and is confusing you with his actions is usually proof that another woman has replaced you on the pecking order. Maybe he’ll leave you for her once he finds the courage to break the news to you. Maybe she really doesn’t want him and he’ll be forced to stick it out with you for a little longer. Either way, trust your gut when it whispers, “He must have found a new girl,” because 8 out of 10 times, it’s true.

He’s A Coward

Not every male you meet will be a man. There are countless guys with little boy mentalities when it comes to love. Relationships scare emotionally immature men because they know they have flaws that will eventually lead them to screwing up a good thing. It doesn’t matter how loyal, considerate, or drama free you are, if a guy has a history of heartbreak he won’t know how to receive what you’re trying to give. The more energy you poor into trying to get him to trust and love you, the more he will push you away because it’s not about you fixing him, it’s about him needing time to grow into a man on his own. A “good woman” is not the cure for a broken man! If you’re feeling confused as to what you’re doing wrong or guilt over not being able to make him act right, you need to stop buying into this idea that love cures all. A lot of these men are damaged, emotionally stunted, and flat out cowards who only know how to behave during that honeymoon period. The more they start to feel vulnerable, the more they start to panic. Fear of being loved causes anxiety. They lash out at you, throw other women in your face, or ghost you, because they are afraid to put their heart in the hands of a woman who could hurt them. Once his anxiety dissipates, he comes running back with hollow words of appreciation, gifts, and maybe a few weeks of consistent behavior that wins you back. It’s a hustle, beloved. Stop trying to convince him you’re not like the rest, and find someone that is healthy enough to recognize, receive, and repay real effort and love.

Accept That He Will Never Be Into You

“Why is he being so hard to read?” He isn’t being hard to read, he just doesn’t like you. The problem is you can’t accept that someone who got to know you, slept with you, and witnessed the best you had to offer can still be like—Nah this ain’t it. Your ego pushes you on the defensive and you think of every other excuse as to why this man is acting different… except the obvious fact that you’re no longer his type or were never his type from the beginning. Stop trying to rationalize toxic male behavior by looking for clues and look dead in the face at what his actions are telling you. His inconsistency is proof that he’s gone cold on you. Move. The. Hell. On.

BUT G.L., he keeps reaching out to me to apologize, he is starting to act way nicer, I blocked his number and he still found ways to contact me. This effort proves that a part of him DOES want me….

Oh Basica, let me break this down one last time– Most men don’t like to burn bridges. So long as he can get sex, attention, or other benefits that you’ve spoiled him with, he will not let you move on. If you try to give him an ultimatum, he’ll fight to keep you, not because he loves you, but because he loves having control over you. If you try to get another man, he’ll act jealous, not because he wants you back, but because he’s greedy and competitive. A man being nicer than before or making an effort AFTER the fact, isn’t proof of change, it’s proof that he always knew how to treat you, but never felt a need to do so until you fell back on him. What’s wrong with your mind that you think chasing you is the same as caring about you? Stop reading too deep into the basic actions of manipulative men and find a guy who will give you that energy the jump! You can’t allow mixed signals to chain you to a hot and cold man that pushes you away then pulls you back. You can’t allow the fear of never finding someone as compatible as he is to make you settle for being a placeholder.

All these women out here, why does he stick around if he doesn’t want me? Because you allow it. No man has power over you unless you give it to him. You keep trying to make it work, you keep hanging in there, you keep looking for ways to make him love you for real, you keep rewarding his behavior with loyalty. Enough is enough! “Let me go, since you act like you don’t want to be with me,” must be replaced with, “I’m gone.” Take control of your life, don’t be a victim.

It’s that season, to let someone you didn’t even like at first, waste your time for no reason…If I allowed you all to peek into some of the emails I get around the turn of the year, you would see things like, “He’snot my type but…” “He’s married but…”“He used to talk to my former best friend but…” “I’m not physically attracted to him but…” even, “I’m not a lesbian but…” Each of these stories have one thing in common, they show women making exceptions in terms of who they date because it’s the winter time aka SETTLE SEASON.

It was once written that from the day after Halloween to the day after Valentine’s Day, a man has his best chance to convince a woman to take a chance on him. Think about that from the POV of a Top Shelf Woman. You’re single, the parties are drying up, it’s becoming too cold to go to the club, and holiday fever begins to pelt your brain with this idea that you need someone to share these special times with. Thanksgiving brings the interrogation by family members about who you’re talking to or why haven’t you found that “right boy” yet. Christmas is a month-long build around who’s going to buy you something, take you somewhere, or be there to cuddle up and watch Love Actually with you. New Years is a celebration of the future, a proclamation this coming year will be better than next, but it’s hard to keep a hopeful spirit when you’re ringing in the new year alone as fuck, watching people on TV or at a party kiss as the ball drops. From there, it’s a blitz towards V-Day where our culture makes it clear that if you don’t have someone by the 14^th of February then there must be something wrong with YOU. It’s all manufactured sadness, but that doesn’t make the emotions you feel any less real. The truth is you’re tired of being alone…

The solution for most women isn’t to Spartan up and go find the kind of man they want, it’s to be more receptive to hearing offers from damn near anyone that approaches her in public, slides in her DMs, or tries to get a friend of a friend to set him up. From work or school guys, to ex-boyfriends (yours or your former friends), and internet strangers, the winter isn’t as lonely as it seems because you will get pressured from all walks of life. The catch is 4 out of 5 of these men will be considered “not my type” based on looks, personality, or overall energy. Still, it’s cold, you’re not as busy as the summer or fall, and those jewelry commercials are making you long for someone to spoil you. What follows is you give your attention to one of these guys, he takes the ball and runs with it to the point where you kind of like him, and the next thing you know you’re either boo’d up or getting dicked down by the type of guy who you feel embarrassed by or suspect is using you.

One of my oldest readers reached out to let me know she was finally listening to the audio version of MDLWLY. People don’t just message me to tell me that, something was off. The real reason she returned to that book was that she was confused. She started to entertain a man who was suspect because it’s cold on the East Coast and she was bored. This guy was on his best behavior, got the sex, then started acting weird. She KNEW what was going to happen. She’s smart, very pretty, and well read in terms of all that I write, but she still got caught slipping because, say it with me- it’s settle season, and that’s what far too many great women do—settle for something warm and hard. Today I’m going to talk to those of you experiencing this or who will soon experience it before the season changes.

Warning 1 – Boredom Upgrades

Lust causes temporary insanity. It makes a committed man risk it all when alone in a room with a tempting woman. It makes an educated woman go dumb over a fuck boy when he’s spraying the right compliments in her ear. It makes everyone reading this, go against their own common sense, and end up right back here going through my archives for advice. Human beings are impulsive to the point where we get tunnel vision and convince ourselves that we should have what we want in the moment with no regard to the next day. One reason you should avoid committing during settle season is that you’re not thinking properly. Your brain will make an excuse at every red flag, which will then cause several signs of toxic behavior to be missed on the road to catching feelings and/or having sex too fast.

He’s not that funny, you’re just bored. He’s not that handsome, you just don’t have anyone else flattering you and showering attention. His dick isn’t that bomb, you’re just insanely horny. That Ex is not a changed man, he’s just wearing a tighter mask to hide the fact that he’s the same piece of shit you used to know. The guy at work is not really into you, he just sees that you’re being more receptive than normal so he shoots his shot. That corny guy with money is not a sucker who’s going to trick and spoil you, he’s just a treat who’s going to spend enough to create the illusion until those legs spread. Always give yourself a cooling off point to analyze why you want a person. Lusting after attention, sex, money, or general companionship blinds your common sense, and by the time you realize it the damage will already be done. “What was I thinking dealing with him,”you weren’t thinking, and that’s the problem.

Ladies, I know the game. I’ve run the game. I have buddies who are currently knee deep in this game and winning. Stop saying, “But what if”as you look to make him the exception and instead pump your breaks. If this guy is a stranger that’s worth your time, an ex that seems remorseful, or any viable option, what’s wrong with being patient? Stop rushing to let him come over because it’s cold and you don’t want to date properly. Stop texting him every day because life is slow, and you need entertainment. Stop being lazy and sloppy! Check your hormones and learn to masturbate before you allow the long days to make you easier to fuck than usual. If he wants you and if you want him,cool, but this time should be used to build not already hook up on an accelerated schedule, so you can live out some Zale’s commercial fantasy.

Warning 2 – The Options Test

Someone made a joke that Lira Mercer and Kaylar Will didn’t have any standards because they let some ugly rich dude bust them down raw. I shook my head at that level of judgement because the same woman tweeting that joke once slid in my DMs crying about an ugly broke dude who hit it and ghosted her. Pot calling Kettle, do you copy?

The fact of the matter is most of you reading this date down because the type of men you want don’t come your way… and if they do, you’re too shy to talk or flirt with them. ‘Tis the season to let all kinds of men who you wouldn’t talk to in the summer infiltrate your mind, heart, and vagina. A woman with a lack of options transforms into a woman with lowered standards because the lack of success rattles her confidence to the point where she damn near anyone in. So how do you keep yourself honest so that the standards in your head match those in real life? I want each woman who gets approached over the next few months to run a test on themselves.

Step 1) Does this guy meet your minimum standards of looks,career, ambition, and respect for women?

Step 2) If you were alone at a bar, is he the type of guy you would blindly start talking to or engage with if he spoke first?

Step 3) If you had another guy on your roster, would you still be giving this guy your time?

The fact of the matter is women don’t date multiple men,they date one at a time, allowing that ONE man to monopolize her time and steal her heart. The irony is that women are very picky on the surface. Most can look at a guy on a Reality Show and judge how unattractive he is. Yet, in real life they give their numbers out to guys who don’t look as good as the guy who they deem ugly on TV. My friend in Atlanta had a list that she would use when texting men before she allowed them on a date, but she only used it once and went back to dating whoever asked nicely take her out. I point these things out because each of those steps above you think you can do… but when push comes to shove it takes energy to date with standards, and a lot of you don’t want to put energy into your love life, you just want Magic Mike to drop in your lap.

Why do men who aren’t that attractive approach you? It’s not because you’re ugly. Why do players approach you? It’s not because they think you’re dumb. Men take calculated risks, no matter if he’s ugly, fat, broke, has a girlfriend already, or is misogynistic, he’s banking on catching you at the right time when your self-esteem is low. Most of these men won’t meet your standards, but you will give them a shot because you don’t have anyone else. Most of these guys aren’t the type you would approach or even chit chat with if you were in the same line at Starbucks because they don’t have the swag you desire. Finally, most of these guys wouldn’t even get a text back if you had another man trying to win you over. Nevertheless, he sneaks into your life, he wins you over, and he proves that you aren’t as picky as you are in your head. I don’t give a fuck how lonely you get, how bad you want a Christmas present, or not to be alone on NYE, if the guy chasing you doesn’t past the Options Test from above, then you shouldn’t be talking to him.

Warning 3 – Catching Feelings

I get it, you’re a grown ass woman who can date, fuck, or simply kill time with whoever she wants to, and you don’t see the crime in that. I know that personality type well, but I also know how those strong and stubborn women ultimately end up when they play with a fire called “emotional bonding”. While there are those who can have casual sex, smoke and watch Netflix, or simply partner up with a guy to cuddle and make out with for a few months, it’s rare. We as men are possessive and competitive. Think about how men act like we DON’T want anything serious, only to amp up our behavior and treat you like it is serious? It’s confusing right?Men aren’t bi-polar, they’re just full of shit. Show an egotistical or narcissistic guy a woman who just wants to chill, and I’ll show you a man that keeps upping his game until she’s more like his wife than his Ozark cuddle buddy. He doesn’t want you for real, he just wants to prove to himself that he has the power to win you over, despite whatever “I’m not looking for a relationship” excuse you gave at the start.

You hear what I’m saying but you’re not the type to get caught up. Yeah, okay… One of the main reasons you shouldn’t commit or give too much of your energy during settle season is that feelings aren’t like faucets. Every woman has an emotional trigger. A guy who doesn’t want anything can be a turn on that makes certain ladies chase. A guy who opens up about his life and even sheds tears can win over a woman who used to think all men were cold and detached. A guy who speaks your love language and shows you the level of attention you’ve always wanted will be a shock to your system that has you falling in love (and on his dick) without warning. I don’t care how hard you are or how emotionless you pretend to be, if you spend enough time with someone that responds to your personality in a positive way, puts a smile on your face, and touches your heart, you will catch serious feelings even in a casual situationship. Don’t be one of these women that think they’re in control, only to realize that some guy she never took seriously has her in her feelings.

Waring 4 – Catching The Holy Ghost(ed)

Ghosting before Christmas, Ghosting at the top of the new year, Ghosting before V-Day plans get solidified. I’ve seen it all over the years and it’s usually those women who said they wouldn’t catch feelings that are left looking like idiots.

Spartan Lesson 36: Men will win you over just to prove they could win you over, feel satisfied with their conquest, then leave you without warning to go chase someone new.

Are you a Spartan or are you a Basica? Basicas don’t see this hustle coming because they’re filled with lust, are thirsty for winter company, or are too high on their own ego to recognize that even a man that isn’t handsome, isn’t rich, and isn’t very smart can still play you. “He didn’t use me, I used him.” If that were true you wouldn’t be stalking his IG, searching for pictures of his new girl, and venting about the situation to everyone who will listen.

If you only wanted to use a guy as a winter-time boy toy then you should have fucked him twice and blocked his number. You kept fucking him, you kept bonding with him, you kept allowing that little Disney Princess mentality that you have yet to banish from your mind gas you up into thinking this guy you barely wanted may be what you needed. Of course, it hurt like hell when he ghosts you because your ego blinded you to the fact that you’re not as irreplaceable as you tell the internet you are. Every woman can get played if she opens herself up to manipulation. Over-stand that before you blindly hook up with someone you don’t think is a threat to your heart.

Bonus – Men Settle Too

There are just as many insecure men as there are women. It may seem like females struggle with love the most, but males, especially those under 30, are so scared of rejection that during settle season they go for what they consider low hanging fruit. The woman at his job that’s not as pretty as the other ladies– and knows it. The voluptuous woman who thinks she’s too fat to find love. The young chick who’s naive and inexperienced– but legal enough that it doesn’t seem creepy for him to holler. These are just a few of the types guys with low self-esteem chase after, sweep off their feet, then realize that something isn’t right. If you want to understand the mind of men, look no further than how hot he runs when in the grip of passion, then after it wears off he’s distant and mumbling shit like, “I need to figure myself out first…“ Um, shouldn’t you have figured that out before you stuck your dick in her and told her you loved her, playboy?

I write a lot about male confidence building in my book She Ain’t It, because it’s a waste of time to go after those you feel are flawed in order to get the level of love you want from your ideal woman. It’s not that these men are bad guys or even plan this out consciously, it’s often a knee jerk reaction that has them flirting with someone against type, and because he’s just as lonely and as just as horny as the woman he’s pursing is, and it goes too far. Of course this leaves those women asking, “Why did you even chase me if you didn’t want me.” To which that confused man is left shrugging his shoulders. Ladies, these men are emotionally stupid. Hopefully by hurting your feelings he will learn to mature, but in the meantime you have to look out for yourself. If someone is suddenly showing you more attention than normal or being extra, ask yourself what his agenda is before gobbling it up.

Warning 5 – Getting Stuck

The final reason to stay single during Settle Season is simple. Your options will improve along with the temperature. Think about how happy people are in summer, energy radiates, that positive vibe you feel projects outward. If you want to talk about the Law of Attraction, then why wouldn’t you attract more during a season where you feel the best? Men will come out of nowhere trying to talk to you, you’ll be bold enough to flirt with guys randomly, you may even bump into an old crush who finally takes notice. All these romantic gifts will keep rolling in, but you can’t do shit about it because you chose to settle down with a guy that wasn’t your type. One by one guys who you would take down in an instant pop into your life and you must force yourself to stay positive about a winter time“something to do” project who you ignorantly chained yourself to.

I talk a lot about toxic men, but there are just as many, if not more, guys who are total sweethearts and who won’t play you, ghost you, or manipulate you in any way. As you know, being nice and sweet doesn’t make him right for you. One email I received years ago was from a woman who cheated on her “nice guy” because he wasn’t exciting. In her story she wrote that they met when she went out Thanksgiving night, she only gave him her number because she hadn’t been on a date in six months, and they ended up official because he did treat her special during that first 3-month honeymoon stage. Her GUT INSTINCT told her he wasn’t it, but she pushed it down and kept going as if this “nice guy” was a messenger from god. Here she was by May, bent over another man’s couch, unsure how to breakup with a boyfriend she no longer wanted. Cold World.

Ladies, I know you want to live the prototypical winter love story and have someone you can bundle up with when there’s little to do and every commercial is about being in love. Fuck that noise. You’re going to make a bad decision because you can’t see the forest through the trees! Your social life will pick up again, you’ll be able to go out and look cute in your spring outfits or rock that new hairstyle minus a hat or coat, and there will be various men who are drawn to you once you are in a better mood. To short change yourself for temporary relief is a crime against your own future!

This isn’t to say, “don’t date at all”. This is a warning to always date, but to do so at the highest level regardless of the season. What do I write about in all my books and throughout the archives of this site—Date smart, date fearless, and date like you’re the prize because you are. Let go of that basic mindset that you’re not going to find anyone new, that one option is better than no option, or that you’re not good enough to attract what you really need. Have faith in yourself, Queen.

Take numbers, be open minded, stay aggressive, and go on dates, but never let a lack of instant success force you to give up a roster spot if you’re not truly blown away. It doesn’t matter what month it is, what situation you’re recovering from, or how low or high you’re feeling about your dating life, your self-worth must remain untouchable. Walmart has 50% off holiday sales, not Gucci. You’re a luxury brand, act like it.

Men Don’t Love Women Like You – Kindle, Audible, Itunes

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Far From BasYc

Nobody enjoys dating. The process of meeting new people. Do you wait for someone to approach you in public? Do you jump on a dating app? Do you take things into your own hands and shoot your shot by flirting with that guy at the gym or by sliding in the DMs of that cute guy who always likes your pictures? Even after you meet someone, then you have to actually “date” which means going out and getting to know them. Are they a texter or a talker? Do they want to go out on a proper date or are they trying to Netflix and chill you? How many dates before it’s official? How many dates before sex? Should you or shouldn’t you date more than one person at a time? The life of a single person is full of anxiety because they overthink everything listed above. I wrote numerous books on how to date step by step, yet so many women have yet to Spartan Up and apply these rules to their lives, some have used these tools others haven’t…

You may be one of those who don’t have time to read or listen to an audio book of mine, or you may just be of the mindset of “I DON’T NEED ADVICE, I GOT THIS”. I’ve helped women for nearly a decade and the lazy or stubborn type NEVER win they ALWAYS settle. They either sit on the bench and wait for some guy to fall in their lap or they keep recycling the same penis they’ve known for years because the devil they know can’t truly break their heart.

Let’s cut to the root of the problem—TRUST. You don’t want to meet a new man that seems great then turns out to be more of the same, so you play it safe and boring. I get it. Men are sneaky, flaky, and filled with contradictory behavior, so you never know who wants you or wants to use you. “Tell men how to be REAL men,” I already do that, I’ve even written a book for them (fellas click here), but let’s keep it real, preaching to men won’t save YOU. The solution isn’t to fix the broken males, it’s to hop over the trash men so you can attract and secure a quality one. The first step in that is knowing the game as played by my fellow men…

Common Sense Dating Secrets:

All Men Prioritize Sex First, Money Second, Love Third.

When A Man Says, “I’m Not Looking For Anything Serious” He’s Leaving Off “With You”.

Men Are Competitive So They Run Back When You Find Someone, But They Don’t Actually Want You Back.

There’s No Such Thing As Too Busy.

Older Guys Settle For Women They Dogged When Younger Because They Know They’re Push Overs.

Men Will Use You As A Placeholder Until They Come Across the Trophy They Really Want.

A Woman Can’t Change A Man. He Either Changes On His Own Or Not At All.

The Majority of Men Think Women Aren’t Very Smart…

You all know this… I would hope, but you still fall for game because by nature you’re nice and give people the benefit of the doubt. Nice doesn’t win in this world. I hate seeing smart women get played by guys who come with the most transparent tactics. I’ve done a lot of these things personally, and as I matured I felt it a duty to put women up on game, not as Karmatic repayment, but because this world is dependent on strong women. Relationships and how to maneuver this world remains the biggest challenge for even the most book smart or successful women. So today I’m going to show you how any woman can rise up and get the type of love she deserves, not the kind of love she’s offered.

PROLOUGE: No More Excuses

Where you live. How You Look. Men Are Trash. These three things are the crutches that many women prop up as to why they’re just going to focus on self and be content with their vibrator. I hear it all the time: GL, only ugly guys approach me, and the cute ones are either broke, taken, or have a reputation. GL, guys go for my friends over me because I’m not as pretty. GL, I live in a wack city where everyone knows each other, all the men are hoes, there’s no hope for me. The first step in righting the wrongs of your love life is to stop making excuses as to why you haven’t been successful. I’ve literally talked with women from every state in the union and those from Europe, Asia, and Africa. Not once has the city, their looks, or the lack of quality men stood in the way of those women finding love, it was their methods. I could fly to your city tomorrow, be your wingman, and find a hot spot where you would be introduced to someone new and interesting who you would have never ran into on your own. How? Because you don’t go anywhere but the same old tired spots with the same old tired friends because you’re not creative in your approach to being social. It’s not about the clubs, the parties, or the concerts nor is it about swiping on Tinder until you come across a cute guy. Connections can only be made when you step out of your comfort zone long enough to be friendly.

PART 1: Baiting A Man

The Odds Are Set To 80%: Every woman breathing has an 80% chance of pulling any man she encounters. Are you going to dwell on the 20% chance that you’ll run into someone that isn’t impressed or has something else on his plate? Most of you will. That slim chance that someone will take your number but won’t call you or someone who your inbox won’t take it further than a casual “hey” scares the piss out of you. Fear keeps you in a box where the only men you will come across are the extra-friendly ones that come at you first, and trust the same way they’re being extra-friendly with you is being repeated with multiple women because quantity > quality. So here you are, stuck in the same old basic chick cycle of dealing with a man you didn’t even like but who was there. Months pass and it ends, and you realize that you wasted all that energy on someone that wasn’t even up to the standards you have in your head. Why? Because you don’t risk rejection—ever!

Dating, meeting men, it all becomes a lot more fun when you realize that your vagina is literally an Infinity Gauntlet. 80% is high, and it ticks up depending on how pretty you are. Let’s say that the average man would rate you a 7, maybe an 8 with makeup on. You’re already above that 80% and close to 95% odds that you won’t miss any shot you shoot. How do I know this? I’ve seen it all my life. I’ve coached girls to swing for the fences. And the statistics all line up with what I’m telling you. For example, I became friends with this girl from Atlanta who’s far from skinny, and really worked on her self-esteem. She went on to date one of the biggest rappers in the world, someone most women openly lust for, and she had him blowing up her phone. She wasn’t built like Draya, but she understood her strengths and played up to them. The secret that will lay the foundation going forward is to know that it’s a very slim chance that you will get rejected. It could happen, but guess what? There are more men out there, and the more you repeat it, the less scary it feels. It’s always worth going for what you want. Ask the girl’s that’s smashing your favorite rapper who was in your same place a year ago.

GO OUT BY YOURSELF: Where do you go to meet men? Most likely the internet, work, or you meet them through a friend. You’re boring, all you do is nap, work, and online shop so of course your options for guys are thinner than Anne Hathaway in Yoga Pants. Here’s a secret for those of you that embraced the confidence of the 80% rule—you’re a magnet. Let’s talk about attraction on a real level. You are a pretty woman that has a vagina that half of the population would dive into if given an opportunity. The problem for men is how do they get to you? Girls are like wolves, they usually move in packs with their friends, their sisters, their cousins, even other men. These people are walls. An aggressive man will run up on you because, again men take advantage of opportunity, but there are legions of other males that will keep walking by because they don’t want to interrupt in a group.

Your excuse will sound like this, “I need a man with the heart to approach me no matter where I’m at, that’s telling me he really wants me.” Okay, Basica, go back over there and have quiet time. Logic and your track record with men has proven that just because a man tries to holla at you, doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. It just means he’s bold. Here’s something to test out. The next time you’re hungry or bored, go out by yourself. It could be Starbucks to order coffee and sit at a table and read a book. It could be the mall food court to sit and just eat a damn pretzel. The longer you’re out, the more eyes are on you. We as men don’t think, “look at this werido by herself.” That’s what your negative mind thinks because you’ve been programmed to be under people or a part of a group. Men will look, some will speak, some will even walk over to you. As a single person, you should want this. Of course, there will be some lames that you brush off, but there will also be guys that are your type that catch your eye. The most successful tip I’ve seen played out is women who sit at the bar counter when eating or having a drink. Two years ago, I had a girl meet her now husband at the Buffalo Wild Wings bar when she sat next to him and asked to see a menu. Just last week, my lesbian friend met some girl at a brunch by sitting next to her and complimenting her purse. Finding someone is no longer about waiting, it’s about putting yourself out there.

MEN LOVE AGGRESSIVE WOMEN: Let’s recap. You have the confidence of Thanos because you know you can have virtually any man you set your sights on. You aren’t afraid to go out in public to create an opportunity for an off-line connection. How do you turn that into actual GAME? A lot of women don’t know how to flirt. They know how to be sassy, how to tease, and how to give attitude when they secretly like a guy, but they don’t know how to say without words, “hey I like you.” Here’s the secret—you must become Sasha Fierce. Every woman, even Beyoncé, has an alter ego character she stores in her head. That bad ass chick who speaks her mind with no filter. You must let the other side of you loose around men. It was cool to giggle around men and say corny stuff like, “stop playing,” when you were 19. A grown woman doesn’t giggle, she smiles with her eyes. A grown woman doesn’t turn her glance away, she stares through a man like she would eat him alive. A grown woman doesn’t have awkward silences, she questions—how are you? That’s a nice shirt, where did you get it? Your girlfriend let you out of the house?Does that sound scary? Is talking to a strange man you think is cute too nerve wrecking for you to be that free with your words? Then you failed the first part! Your confidence has to be on Floyd Mayweather anytime you’re in the room with the opposite sex. I’m not saying that shy girls don’t get men, I’m saying that an aggressive woman steals a man’s soul.

What makes men talk to you and walk away without getting your number? It’s probably not your breath. It’s the lack of impression. Guys mastered this for the most part. They make jokes, they compliment, they use sexual undertones, all to make you smile or react. Why? Because he knows when you go home you’re going to still be thinking about how cool and fun he was. That’s an impression. The size of your butt in those jeans shouldn’t be the only impression you leave on a man. Personality is the most important weapon in any woman’s armory. When you’re on Snap or IG it’s easy to get your personality through because you’re performing for the camera or captioning a pretty picture with something witty. That stuff goes out of the window when you must speak face to face. The light switch in your head should be like a Power Ranger morphing. He’s sitting next to you or asking you your name, you can’t just grin and look like a deer in the headlights. In your head, you morph. “Watch me eat this mother***ker alive!” From there it’s not about what you say or reading a script, it’s being yourself but turned up to 10.

PART 2: Hooking A Man

VERBAL CONVERSATIONS: Women who email me usually run into a problem most of you can relate to—my text got taken the wrong way. We live in a world where texting has replaced the phone call. The problem with that is the first week that you’re talking to someone, there is a huge margin for error tone wise. You can’t read sarcasm that well through text. It’s hard to get to know a person just typing in that format. What ends up happening is a bunch of chit-chat, some sexual flirtation, and him asking to see you soon. By the time you do meet up, he’s being overly sexual because he mistook you for a thotty from your text conversation. You’re into him, but you’re not an object, you want to go out and talk and actually get to see how this guy thinks and share your own life story. This is no exaggeration, I’m talked to over a thousand women who have slept with men who they didn’t even know basic things about like his last name or what he did at work. When I question these ladies, it all comes back to, “we didn’t really talk, we texted all day.” Stop being so dense! Texting is to supplement verbal conversations not a replacement for them.

Once you get past the meet and greet stage and are about to go on that first date, you must talk to him with your actual mouth. I don’t care if it’s telling him to call you after work or you doing a FaceTime session. Listening to how someone talks and what they talk about even before you sit down for a dinner date or go out to do some activity is crucial in establishing a bond and weeding out obvious red flags. I have friends who are the biggest dogs in the world, and they get away with a lot of it because all they do is text various girls BS that soothes their egos, set up night time chill sessions, and keep it moving. Who is this man? Where does he live? What was his last relationship? What does he do for a living? If you text this, you get cut and dry answers. If you ask it with your damn mouth, you hear the lies in his tone. You can sniff out hesitation. Talking allows you to poke holes in a man’s story in ways texting never could. Stop being afraid to talk, and if he doesn’t want to call you or pick up, that red flags dictates that he gets thrown back in the sea with the rest of these clown fish because he’s up to something.

TALK PRESENT NOT PAST: Just as important as hearing a man’s story out is sharing your own life. The secret to initial conversation is keep your cards close to the vest. Why are you on a first date talking about your ex-boyfriend and all the ways he did you dirty? Because he asked? Who is he to know that? We as men know that women over-talk about things they’re affected by. Work beefs, friend drama, exes… they will run off at the mouth venting. Through that venting you learn her weaknesses. Think about a first phone call or a first date. You tell him your ex cheated on you. He’s going to want to know how you found out, how long it was going on, if you knew the girl. He’s doing research to see how dumb you are. This is lost on you because you’re tied up in telling a story that’s been pissing you off for a long time. In the end he’ll tell you that your ex was trash and he would never do you like that. He won’t because he’ll do it better now knowing how that other dude messed up.

This isn’t just with exes, it’s with any past failure. You didn’t finish school, or you couldn’t get a job in your major, your family issues, it all creates a character profile to be exploited. So, what should you talk about besides him in order to give insight into your bomb personality? You share your strengths like it’s a job interview. It’s not about where you work now, it’s how you’re rising the ranks or how good you are at your job. It’s not about your ex, he had issues, but he taught you valuable lessons. That’s all you need to say about that man. It’s not about how your Dad did your Mom or how he treated you. Give an anecdote about growing up but this isn’t the time for a therapy session. The point is, you’re a strong woman who was forged by that hard knock past, show her passion not her pain.

FUNNY X NASTY: Every man thinks he’s Kevin Hart when he’s on a date because women love two things: Laughing and eating. Being a good time is mandatory for a man to win you over, he knows that. As a woman you’re most likely clueless who how to win a guy over from lust to genuine affection. Let’s drop the ego for a second. When I say “win a man over” it’s not saying you need to bend over backwards and give him head on the first date or buy the dude an Apple Watch. The same way a guy is trying to either entertain you or spoil you to get brownie points, you have to think about how you can show him you’re truly different from the other girls he dated in the prior months. The secret that most women don’t know is that as men we see the same exact personality patterns. I went on a date with a girl who lived in Santa Monica who acted the same way as a girl from South Philly. Talked about the same things, laughed the same way, played shy at the same moments, and even gave up the panties in the same manner. It’s all parody because women are taught to dumb down their personalities around guys they like instead of being that fun person they are when with friends or family.

ARE YOU FUNNY? I’m not talking Tiffany Haddish, perform a damn stand up funny. Can you verbally spar with a man? Do you have wit? Can you recall a funny story? Are you able to point to something in the vicinity and make a funny observation? If the answer is “yes” then congratulations because not many women do that. Are you nasty? Yeah, you can recite rap lyrics about getting your ass ate and if this date goes well you might send him a nude, but 9 out of 10 women do that. In my book Ho Tactics, I broke down the psychology of what turns a man on because so many females are way too conservative to tread into that realm. You don’t want to come off like a hoe or a freak. Common sense dictates that a man will assume he’s going to hit by the end of the night regardless of what you say. You could read Bible verses and he’ll still try to get your bra off the moment you’re alone. Don’t let opinions curve your seduction techniques. When I say get nasty, I’m talking about promoting the idea of you as a sexual being. The way you dress. The way you yawn. The way you touch his hand or shoulder when he makes you laugh. It should all spell out S-E-X. When you’re talking, there is always an opportunity to say something slightly filthy. “Work has been killing me this week.” Smile, and grin, “See, I was hoping you had stamina.” That kind of daring retort will have a man in the palm of your hand. The more you bait him with lines like that or accidental touching, the more he wants you. By the time you give him a goodnight hug, there won’t be a doubt that he’s going to do whatever he can to see you again because you inspired lust and you left an impression with your personality. You’re the kind of Unicorn other girls only pretend to be.

PART 3: Securing the Right Man

FOOL’S GOLD: “GL, I did everything in your book and I ended up with a guy, but he turned out to be trash just like the rest of them.” Is a real email I received. This woman and I corresponded for about a month and she laid out the entire relationships and without me saying anything she realized why she ended up with a trash ass man—she ignored the red flags because she really wanted him to work. We’re all in a rush. It’s an A.D.D generation where we want to stop dating and get into a relationship. Ladies, everything I write has been proven to work. Not because of me, but because you all are capable of Bossing up and taking what you want—men, job opportunities, anything. The warning label on life reads that not everything you want or attain will be right for you. You can make a list, do a vision board, manifest what you put your mind to, and then realize it wasn’t at all what you imagined. Know that you will have to let go of people, that you will misjudge character, and that some masks don’t come off at first pull. Fool’s Gold shines like the real thing, but it doesn’t hold up to constant inspection. That’s why you can’t afford to put all your eggs in ONE basket.

DATE MULTIPLE MEN: Every single woman should date multiple men. This doesn’t men sleep with, spend the night with, or even kiss multiple men. Dating means dating. You allow each man you deem worthy to take you out in order to impress you enough for another date. Simple. You meet Robert this week and yet met Jake last week. You don’t choose one or the other, you let them both take you out and see who is the most impressive. When men compete—YOU WIN. No excuse about how you don’t have the time or energy to juggle that many guys. If you can have ten tabs open on your phone and switch through four social media apps like it’s nothing, you can set up a date for Saturday and a date for Sunday. It’s not that hard. What you’re doing is trying to play nice. You want to seem like a loyal woman. LMAO! You’re loyal to an actual boyfriend not a guy who’s taking you out to AMC for popcorn and a movie. By dating multiple men, you level the playing field and keep yourself from being desperate. A woman with no options is more likely to settle than a woman with a roster.

A not so secret is that the more jealous you can make a man, the better. I’m not talking about flirting with guys in front of him or telling him he’s the third date of the week. Be smart and strategic. If he asks if you’re dating other people, tell him you’ve been testing the waters like any single woman should then flip it back on him. If he wants to know more details about other men, be aggressive and stern by telling him to focus on the two of you because he currently has your attention. Basicas never do this because they are scared to death about turning a man off. Spartans do it all the time because they understand that a man who knows he’s not your only option will work harder. Inside every grown man is a little boy that still has to be first. Use this knowledge! 

SAY WHAT YOU WANT: Today’s men no longer have to play along as if they want to be your man. “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m cool with being friends,” works in terms of getting sex. There are women that will actually go along as if they don’t have feelings for a guy. Get sucked into his world. Start to really like him and allow him to get girlfriend benefits as—just friends. Are you crazy or stupid? Pussy runs this world! You don’t have to break your neck, put your needs second, or compromise your womanhood to keep him around. If you want to build to a relationship not a situationship, tell him. If you know that “Friend” is a code word, object and tell him you’re not looking for a friend, you’re looking for someone that can potentially grow into a man. It doesn’t matter if a man is claiming he’s too busy, that his heart is still healing from the last girl, or that he’s just not sure, you are the master and commander of who you give your time to.

Stop holding your tongue and going with the flow. “I’m not dating anyone else, no harm in just having a friend.” Yes there is, because you’re leading yourself on with a man who is going to end up choosing someone else in the end. She’ll get an easy lane to his heart and you’ll feel like a sucker for believing the excuses that he gave to you that suddenly don’t apply to her. You’re a grown ass woman, the moment you feel that a man has potential open your mouth. Don’t text it. Don’t beat around the bush. Say what you want. And if he doesn’t feel the same way—GOOD! You just saved yourself months of playing house to some one that was looking to lease not buy.

Epilogue: Prioritize Yourself

She comes before he. Your plans shouldn’t be compromised for his. Being a partner is a two-way street, just like he can reschedule, move you around, and cancel, you should never feel guilty if things pop up that will benefit your life. He will complain, suck his teeth, and get in his feelings. But the woman that does her, despite a man’s objections will always train her mate to respect her time, not waste it.

I’ve gone deeper on a lot of these topics in my books and on my site, but for those of you lost in the sauce, let this be a smack in the face to take the next step on the road to Spartanhood.

Thanks for reading Dating Secrets That Every Woman Should Know

Far From BasYc

This year is going to be different… until it turns into more of the same. Each new month is a chance to reset and refocus those goals, and maybe you do for a few days, then you get distracted by life’s problems, and once again put those goals to the side. Your business plan collects dust. That website name you bought is still parked. That gym membership goes unused. That application to take yourself back to school just sits there… should I continue? There are so many people who take the first step, but never follow up. It’s only when you see someone online winning or bump into a friend or associate who actually turned something into nothing do you become triggered to once again start over… but even that “If they can do it so can I,” motivation dies out in favor of more of the same. Aren’t you tired of doing and saying the same shit?

On social media people were posting photos from 10 years ago comparing how their looks have changed, but what about their bank accounts? Is your bank account where you thought it would be 10 years ago? Is your love life where you thought it would be 10 years ago? Are you on the path to doing what you dreamed of 10 years ago? Each one of you had a drive to do something special, to be great, to share your talent or innovation, and to carve out a piece of this world for yourself. Some of you have done that or on the verge of doing that, while others are still sitting around waiting for an opportunity, instead of creating an opportunity.

The goal wasn’t to work a job you barely like. Your goal wasn’t to drive someone around for money. Your goal wasn’t to work two part time jobs. Your goal wasn’t to live paycheck to paycheck. You had a feeling that you would do great things, so where did that feeling go? No one was hiring in your field, you had student loans to pay off so you just had to take a job, you ended up getting pregnant so you had to lower expectations, maybe you were waiting for a friend or a family member to partner with you and they let you down… Fuck all that noise. There is nothing that could have happened in your life that would make it impossible for you to start over today. Tell me your sob story of setbacks and misfortune and I’ll show you dozens of people who had it worse than you, yet ended up turning their losses into a win. Chasing after love, online shopping, being fake enraged about politics, all the while the thing that should matter most to you—your own life and legacy, remains below expectations. Are you one of those cogs in the machine that just wants to get by and contribute to other people’s fortunes, or are you ready to wake the fuck up and get out of the matrix?

It’s Never Too Late

Didn’t finish school, now you’re stuck working a low paying job. Parents forced you to go into a career field because it was secure, now you’re stuck doing something you hate. Took a job you told yourself was temporary, now you’re stuck doing something that doesn’t satisfy you because the money is good… Is that what you were put on this earth to do? Get by and make excuses? Know one thing, you are never STUCK. You always have the power to reset, redesign, and rebuild your life into what you currently envision.

The first step is getting the word “but” out of your vocabulary. I know more than a few doctors that walked away from that profession to do something that paid less but satisfied them creatively. I knew of a woman who was waiting tables, decided enough was enough, and hit up some open mics in her city looking to network. She is now a song writer for some big-name artist. The moral of the story NEVER QUIT ON YOURSELF.

School wasn’t for you, so what—you can still rise above that. Your parents were strict and forced you into medicine or law, so what—you can still rise above. You have debt to pay off, and no one to help you, so what—you can still rise above. This is supposed to be a generation that covets freedom, yet just like your older relatives, you’ve fallen into the trap of working 9-5 just to stay alive. When you were young you felt like nothing can stop you. Look at you now, humbled. Point your finger and cry about “If I were born with money like Kylie Jenner, I’d be in Forbes too,” but you weren’t and neither were Steve Jobs, Ellen, Oprah, or that creepy guy that sells those My Pillows. Stop the excuses and get back to being fearless!

“Adulting is hard,” “Life is so unfair,” No one gives a fuck about fair or how hard you have it. You have the power to bend the Universe in your favor, but the difference between you and the person out there that’s doing it, is that you don’t believe in yourself. Wipe your ass with all the negative thoughts about “what if” or “I can’t” and push through! You can attract money, love, and happiness at any point in your life, by saying one sentence each morning, “I can do this!” Your time is now, refuse to be anything less than successful.

You Are Good Enough

Everyone around you seems so confident but you’re full of doubt. This leads to you trying to fake confidence and manufacture self-esteem through tough talk and hollow bragging. You’re not alone. Those people who you’re trying to impress are doing the same thing most times. That girl on Facebook is embellishing how good her life and relationship is, that girl on IG is posting year old vacation pictures like it happened last weekend, that “Girl Boss” posting her orders, lost more money selling hair bundles than she made. Is this who you’re competing with? Perceptions of greatness? Instead of trying to get like them, let’s start with the reality that there’s nothing wrong with who you are.

You can’t do anything you set your mind to if your mind is a confused mess of negative thoughts. Examine where those negative thoughts come from. Most likely it started early, maybe your parents shot down your dreams when you were younger. Maybe someone insulted your intelligence, said you didn’t have the talent, or maybe it was a combination of things that lowered your self-esteem and left you with little faith in yourself. The choices of your parents effect your adult life in ways they didn’t account for. Here’s your mother, father, or grandparent trying to get you to play it safe and here you are years later, afraid to take risks because they taught you that failure is common, and success is rare. Perhaps it was your friends who shitted on your aspirations by reminding you that you’re not smart enough, well connected enough, the right gender, the right color, or in the right city to make your dreams a reality. External influence can lift you up or it can break you down depending on who you’re allowing in your ear. You didn’t have a cheerleader, you had a naysayer, and no matter how many Self-Help books you read, you can’t shake the feeling that you’re not good enough.

I want you to do an exercise each night before bed. Think about everyone who told you that you couldn’t do something. Who were they? What was there agenda? What made you listen to them? Going one by one, I want you to rip their opinions down and rebuild yourself on the foundation of truth. People, even those that love you, will often try to hold you down so you will never amount to more than what they are. They fear what you can become and poison your mind. The antidote is to revisit their lies, and feed yourself the truth:

That person who told you that there’s too much competition and you won’t be able to make money in an industry. They were hating because they don’t want you to succeed in a world where they couldn’t. That person that keeps reminding you how much money you need to start your own business. They’re hating because in their life they placed limits and made excuses for their inability to out think their problems. That person who made fun of you for trying and failing at something previously. They’re only laughing to shame you into not getting back up and trying again.

Kill the idea that someone’s negative advice or observation is them “looking out for you”. Those people who have your best interest at heart won’t knock you down, they will always lift you up. Separate yourself from the toxic whispers and backhanded advice givers, if you’re going to finally ascend you can’t have them weighing you down.

Stop Waiting

Time is a concept, which means you don’t have to wait for the first of the year, month, or week, to take action. The moment you want to change something, change it. The superstitious bullshit that runs this world will have you thinking that you need to read your horoscope or wait for a lucky sign. It’s all nonsense. Prepare–Execute. Prepare-Execute. Prepare-Execute. The next time you think “I’ll wait until tomorrow,” ask yourself “why am I waiting?” If there is something you can do today that will put you ahead tomorrow, then start now! Where do you start? With a pen and a pad, write down what you want to accomplish. Write down the practical steps to accomplish it. Then set a deadline to check off each one of those steps. It’s that simple.

In terms of friends or potential partners, stop waiting on others to make moves for you. I have several friends in this situation currently. They want to do an app, but they’re waiting for their friend who wants to do it with them to have free time. They want to do music, but they’re waiting for the other person to go with them to the studio. They want to do a cosmetic line, but they’re waiting for their cousin to throw in her money. People are full of shit. The only person you can rely on is yourself. If it’s your idea, execute it and stop being afraid to go in alone. The magic of hustling is that you will automatically meet like minded people the moment you start making moves in that industry. I know someone that sold their company to Sephora, but only after partnering with a stranger who was in the same business, they were in. Your will attract like minded people once you’re in motion, but you will only attract lazy bullshit artist if you sit around and wait. Know that some people love to talk while other peoples just do it. Separate yourself form that pack and always be willing to go in alone if someone isn’t moving at your pace.

Follow The Passion Not The Money

Make your hobby into a side gig. Turn your childhood love into your current career. Take something you’re a nerd about and make it payoff. I don’t care if you want to be a chef, work in the front office of your favorite sports team, own a salon, or start your own brand of whatever—be passionate as fuck in the pursuit of that goal and everything else will take care of itself. Talk to people in that business, read about it, formulate a way in and your love will of that industry will reflect in those people you need to impress in order to make that dream a reality.

Where so many people mess up is trying to live out someone else’s dream because they see an opportunity. Every day someone jumps into Podcasting because it’s easy to start up, modeling because they have a few followers, catering because someone says they’re an okay cook, but they flame out because they didn’t really want to do any of that stuff, they just wanted a check. Let’s say your friend makes a lot of money selling hair on Ali Express because she’s into beauty. You have some savings and are going to invest too because it’s a good return on your money. Why? You don’t know what clients are looking for, you don’t know how to foresee trends, market that product, or expand that kind of business because that’s not what you’re into. Retail is hard. Makeup is hard. Writing is hard. There is no such thing as an easy career. Some of you work for other people, they tell you what to do and you get a check at the end of the week. What happens when it’s all on you? Unless you are insanely passionate, you’re not going to put that same time and effort into a business or new venture to make it work. So instead of saying, “they make money doing it, I can do that too,” be true to yourself and create your own lane.

Take The Risk

What if it doesn’t work out, then what? Then you do it again a different way. The thing about risk that people fail to realize is that it comes in many forms. You have that person who quits a job and sinks their savings into a new venture. You have someone that decides to drive Uber for a year so they can go back to school without a loan. You have people that leave their current position to start entry level at a new company. Each one of these things require a leap of faith, but they’re all planned, not random. When I say take a risk, I’m talking about your game plan along with your execution. I don’t give a fuck if you’re stripping or if you work as a sales associate. Formulate your next move, know what you need to do, then go for it. This could take you two years of saving and planning or it could take you a month. It’s better to take that risk than to drown in the mediocrity of living a life you’re bored with.

 “I hear you, but I need money to do what I want to,” There you go with more excuses. There are always to generate more income, the real question is are you willing to do them. If you’re at a crappy job that’s promoted you six times and you’re making more than you could make somewhere else at your skill level, you may not want to walk away and start over or go back to school. Don’t blame money for you staying in place, blame your lack of hunger. If you are in debt and barely have enough money to cover your bills each month, you can take on a part time job or do something freelance, and all it will cost you is sleep and free time. Don’t blame money, blame yourself for being too good or to too lazy to hustle.

Sacrifices must be made If you want to move ahead. I used to give advice to a young woman who moved back in with her mother, went back to school, and became one of the younger execs at one of the big banks. She went from 40k a year to a quarter million a year, and it wouldn’t have happened if she worried about losing that weak ass 40k. Look at the true story that inspired the movie Joy, that woman risked it all, with kids, and now she’s a million-dollar brand. Taking a part time job to earn more, getting a side hustle, limiting your spending habits, networking with investors, taking out loans, if you really want to raise capital for something, you can put your mind to it and figure that part out. The problem is, you don’t want to hustle. You’re comfortable, you live good enough to buy nice shoes, the latest phone, and keep up with the rest of your struggling friends. Even thought you KNOW you can do better you don’t want to take two steps back to take another five steps forward. Again, who’s fault is that? Blame it on your lack of courage, not money. Money is everywhere, the amount of people that’s willing to do what it takes to get are few and far between.

Self Motivation 101

Put Up Reminders: KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT INTO YOUR LIFE. Stalk that vision, obsess over that goal, but most importantly keep it front in center daily so you know that it’s coming. What good is that vision board or Journal if it’s out of sight? Your bedroom mirror should have a daily reminder taped to it to smack you in the face every time you’re getting ready to go out. Your refrigerator, your desk at work, anywhere there is space you should be bombarding yourself with pictures of your business idea, your goal body, your dream house, the place you will one day rank on Forbes, etc… you can’t forget things that are constant.

Set Deadlines: When are you going to be finished that new business plan? When do you plan on having the money you need saved? When is that website going to be up? When are you going to have the designs done for your product? When are you going to put in your two weeks’ notice at that old shitty job? Always set deadlines to do things because deadlines keep you honest. Every phone has an alarm and calendar, utilize them. Set notifications, take it seriously, pull all nighters like it’s college, but never ever miss your deadline or you’re cheating yourself.

Hold Yourself Accountable: How much TV did you watch this week? How much time did you spend on your phone scrolling social media? How much time did you waste shopping for shit you don’t need or looking up pointless gossip that doesn’t benefit you? Now compare that to the time you put into yourself: Building your brand, taking classes, researching, meditating, reading a book, going out to network with people that can help you, and all the other productive acts. Who cares what a reality star said or who liked your picture on Instagram. Get. To. The. Money. If more of your time was used working for other people or on trivial things than it was working for yourself or benefiting your mind or body, then you deserve to be where you are in life. You are responsible for your success, not luck. Even now that you are woke to the fact that you must put in the work, you may still drag your feet. That’s why you need to recognize what you’re doing with your time, add it up each week, and keep yourself honest!

“Life is very short and anxious for those who forget the past, neglect the present, and fear the future. – Seneca

Tomorrow Isn’t Promised: Think about death, not in a 16-year-old goth girl kind of way, but in terms of a ticking time clock. Your time in this world could be over tomorrow. Everything you wanted to do and could have done doesn’t matter. It’s over. No going back. Ask yourself right now, in the privacy of your own head, “What’s the crowing achievement of my life if I don’t wake up tomorrow.” Some of you have to go back to high school to the last time you were truly happy, others don’t have anything to hang your hat on in terms of personal achievements. Why is that? Is it because you can’t or because you haven’t tried? This isn’t a fairy tale where you get to come back and do it all over again. You get one shot, make the most of it as if time is running out—because it is.

The F Word

Do you have faith in yourself to win against all odds? I’m talking about an undeniable belief that you can go out and get what you want? This world isn’t some random series of events that just happen to you, it’s your mind at work. You’re reading these words right now because it’s what you need to be reading. Something probably distracted you while reading, a phone beep, a strange noise, etc… maybe you started and came back, or only scanned a few lines. Why? Because a fearful mind is constantly running away from the things it’s afraid to know and accept.

A lot of you believe in higher powers and you have no problem putting faith in the church, or a philosophy, or even other people. What happens when you turn that inward is that you tap into the reality that you are a supreme being? If you channel that invincible feeling of faith in self, you will develop true confidence in every aspect of life. If you move with unwavering confidence, you will achieve goal after goal, almost to the point of feeling that something miraculous is having. It’s not a miracle, it’s not supernatural, it’s the power of knowing the Truth. You are who you think you are. Every morning you wake up you tell yourself a story about how your day will go, one is the conscious “I hope it goes good” the other is the subconscious “but watch it go bad” because you’ve trained yourself to be limited in what you can and can’t do. Positive thinking doesn’t go deep enough to eliminate your lack of faith in yourself. You must rewrite your past until you scrape out the brainwashed portions of your brain and realize you aren’t a bystander, you’re the center of this universe.

Who you want to be isn’t who you are now, and that’s okay. Stop pressuring yourself to make up for lost time overnight and stop being negative when things don’t go as planned. Healthy and lasting change happens in steps not strides, so set daily goals, hold yourself accountable, and have faith in yourself. Confidence creates opportunity and you’re always one smart decision away from a totally different life.

To be continued… when you’re ready.

Thanks for reading You Got This – Self Motivating Yourself Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Far From BasYc

Should women approach men? The majority of females would answer “Hell no,” then comment that if I man wants you, he will always make the first move. In their mind, to approach a man is considered “chasing” a man, and that’s not ladylike. Actively going after what you want is seen as “doing too much” again, that’s not ladylike. Some will even claim to know men who have said, “I don’t like aggressive women,” or “I look at her as easy if she engages with me first,” and use those anecdotes as proof that it’s better to stay to yourself and wait to be chosen. Ha!

“Never approach a man first” is propaganda pushed by women who want to stay in their comfort zones for women already in their comfort zones. Sit around, wait for a man, and pray that you get married one day… in the meantime you end up talking to guys who do CHASE you then GHOST you. That makes you even more bitter, but you don’t change your method, you just keep waiting. You say fake-deep stuff like “I’m working on myself” as an excuse for not being aggressive. How are you working on yourself when you refuse to evolve and change the way you approach meeting new people? Just because a guy crushes on you or lusts after your pussy, doesn’t mean he’s better than a man who you had to DM or speak to first. You’ve being brainwashed to be passive in your own life.

Jesus will send you a man. Use a vision board to make a man pop out of thin air with all the qualities you want. Do your hair different, that’s what’s been holding you back. Wait until next month’s crescent moon. All these gimmicks say the same thing– be a Pick Me. You’re not manifesting a healthy relationship, you’re not attracting love, you’re sitting on your ass wishing for easy results! The result of this old school weak bitch waiting game is that you do get a man, but it’s rarely one you want, just one you settle for because you’re sick of waiting for your “type” to notice you.

What about those that have tried once or twice to approach first and swear it didn’t work? One girl brought up how none of the relationships that spawned from her approaching men first have lasted—well beloved, there are a bunch of broken hearts and divorces from relationships where the man went after the woman first, so what’s your point? Don’t bring in statistics that only tell one side of the story, Basica!

No matter who approaches who, there’s always a risk of being played or something not working. My philosophy is that it is better to take a chance going for what you want than to waste time trying to make those who do approach you fit what you want. Be prepared to be approached AND be prepared to approach, these are two methods you can and should use at the same time. Be open to what comes, and also be proactive when you see someone you like. What’s wrong with that? NOTHING. There is no such thing as “too masculine” or turning men off with masculine energy. You sound silly spouting that Fake News. If a man wants you, he wants you, if he doesn’t he doesn’t. My goal is to show you an easy way to get the type of men you want 9 out of 10 times. But before I can turn you into a Spartan let’s cut through the bullshit and get to the root of this mentality.

Women hate hearing “no.” To risk a man not responding positively, saying he has a girlfriend, or in any manner that doesn’t end with an exchange of numbers is a rejection that most females can’t bear to deal with. It’s not just approaching, I know a few women in two-year-old relationships that still don’t ask their boyfriends for big favors because they are afraid to be turned down. “I’ll do it myself because I don’t like to be told ‘no’ or to have some drag their feet.” That’s a real-life quote.

Is approaching men really about this played out gender role that dictates that a man should choose who he wants while a dignified woman simply has to get within eyesight of him, or is it about ego and pride? You tell yourself how great you are in your own head, but what happens when you’re forced to interact with someone you find attractive and they don’t even think you’re worth a three-minute conversation let alone asking for your number? To put yourself out there to approach a man is to potentially destroy the false confidence you’ve spent your entire adult life protecting. The fear of not being good enough to get what you want, that’s what keeps most women on the bench.

You want to win the lottery, but you don’t play the lottery. Sounds stupid, right? Well, let me reword it. You want to find a husband, but you don’t really engage with men. Same concept, but you can’t see that. Life is about applying one’s self. You apply for college, you apply for a job, you apply for a home loan. You won’t find many broke women sitting at home with their arms folded, saying they don’t apply for jobs or that employers need to come to them. Yet, single and unhappy women do sit home, arms folded complaining about “men today,” because no one’s beating down that door. Stop being stuck on this petty idea of “you first.” It’s time to learn to flirt, learn to talk circles around men, and be progressive. I know you’re afraid, that your mind keeps telling you you’re going to be rejected, but keep reading, and I will show you step by step how to do this in a way that will protect your self-esteem and get results across the board.

Reminder, I’m not saying men shouldn’t approach women, and it’s all on your shoulders. I wrote a book for men where I make the same case that they can’t be overly shy or timid either, but let’s be honest, how many men you know take advice when it comes to courting women? The gap between compatible males and females will keep growing wider because a rapidly growing number of men are just as afraid of rejection as the women. Today’s men are looking at their phone, you’re looking at your phone. They’re afraid to message you, you’re afraid to message them. You may both look at each other from across the room, but he’s not going to risk it and you’re not going to risk it. Old school ways don’t work because NEW SCHOOL MEN are unsure if you’re going to be receptive. Yes, men do like to chase and court, but in the era of frail male egos and the fear of #MeToo you sometimes have to show him it’s OKAY to chase you by initiating a little contact.

85% of the guys that you meet won’t be your type, but guess what? Undesirable men will speak first, chase you, wear you down, and do whatever it takes to get you because they know you will settle for what you can get more often than approach what you want. The world is changing, and the ideas of what men should do and what women should do are just that—ideas. If you want to win, you must innovate, not make excuses as to why you’re going to stick to the old ways.

Some old school things are good = a man proposing first is a must, opening the car door is a sign of respect, but simply saying “hi” first is not something you should be so stubborn about if you’re secure in your own skin! The reality of being someone who lives in power is that it creates an environment of constant success and opportunity. Every time you break up with someone or are disappointed by a potential bae, you wish you had other options, you wish you had choices, well it’s time to Spartan Up and attain true power over your situation.

You find yourself in the market, at the gym, getting coffee, or even on an elevator, and you see someone that sparks your interest, why not take that chance? You work with someone or are platonic friends, and they seem like a good match, why not take that chance? You follow someone online and see that they’re single, why not take that chance? This isn’t about chasing it’s about using the right words, the right eye fuck, or the right smile to create a connection that can CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

You will still meet those men who approach you first. Like I wrote, it’s not one or the other, it’s a duel option lifestyle. The idea isn’t to “be a man” and do what males typically do, it’s to live in the moment and control your own destiny by being bold enough to open your mouth when the time comes. A woman that isn’t afraid to approach and who also knows how to position herself to be approached will net more options than one who just waits around.

So where do you start in terms of baiting a man to approach you first and what should you say when shooting your shot so you won’t get rejected? I wrote an entire blueprint for all scenarios you will face and I call it The Spartan Dating Script.

Chapters Include:

How To Be More Approachable

How To Approach

What To Say On A Date

Using Social Media To Lure Men In

How To Go From “Just Friends” To Dating

Sexting & Dating Apps

And much more. Download it today, follow the script, and never feel lost, confused, or unsure again.

Click Here To Preview & Download The Spartan Script

Click Here To Download The iBooks version

Thanks for reading Should Women Approach Men? – Old Methods Vs. New Tactics

Far From BasYc

Show Him You’re Better: When you’re talking to a guy who has a girlfriend, you have to play along for the first few weeks. Text, call, or DM him on his schedule. Give him that exciting feeling of a “secret love” and use this time to do the research listed above. Don’t make it into a negative or use words like, “you need someone better”. You simply ask questions and let him vent about all the things he doesn’t do. Men lie! I repeat these motherfuckers lie! They will say they’re having relationship problems but really aren’t because they want sympathy and know that women love to “save” men from basic bitches. Assume that anything he says about her may be false at first, and get around this by simply allowing him a release, this establishes trust in you.

Go For The Kill: Within the first week or two (again you have to dial down your Alpha female and be patient) set a date. I don’t care if you two work together, go to school together, or are just friends on social media. If this is to work you need to date him and get face to face like any other dating situation. He thinks you’re going to be easy. You know he has a girl and still is into him, so he’s hoping for an affair. Not in SPARTA! You date him, you learn him face to face, you don’t give him more than a kiss at the end of the night (or maybe you go to the bathroom, slide your panties off, and slip them to him as a souvenir if you’re bold). The point is the first date should prove that you’re not a side chick, you’re not easy, and you take it slow. This won’t push him away, it will make him want you more. Now he has lust, he has respect, and he will be dying to see you again.

Men will tell you what you want to hear, say he cut her off, or that she’s about to move out blah blah blah. Fuck that noise. Give him a deadline. Not only does he have to break it off with his wifey, HE MUST tell her the reason why or you’re gone. This may sound unnecessarily mean, but understand we men will fuck our ex girlfriends unless we burn the bridge. A scorned ex still wants dick, she still wants to prove she’s better, and she wants to create a mess, so she will throw her pussy at him just to piss you off. The way you avoid that is to embarrass the ex-girlfriend to the point where she hates him. If you make him tell her from the jump, “It’s over because I met someone else” that’s devastating. Unless she’s the dumbest girl on the planet, she will never give him the ass again. You made him look like a jerk, but at the same time you made it damn near impossible for him to two time you with his old bitch. If he doesn’t do this by your deadline. Walk away. Ghost his ass. Watch how fast he’ll get rid of her once he knows you aren’t playing games. 

You can’t take anyone’s man, he makes a choice. From the moment a guy sets eyes on a new woman, he’s thinking about “would I”. The goal isn’t to fuck someone’s man it’s about a connection, so the moment you establish that he’s into you and you’re not just a new pussy fetish, be real about your intentions. As I wrote above, you’ll have to let him be sneaky for the first two weeks or so, but remember you’re not a side chick; you’re going to become the main chick, but like any relationship you don’t want to rush into it. Once you’re sure he’s right for you and want to take it to the next level, then you give him the ultimatum that it’s either you or her. You already know their bond is weak off the strength that he’s calling you on his lunch break instead of her.

This is your Universe, there are no boundaries, and the only rule is “Don’t go after your friend’s man” other than that– all men are fair game, so if you want someone you go after them! You think men respect the fact that you have a boyfriend? Fuck no! We see that as the ultimate challenge. There is no reason women can’t use this same method when on the hunt for love. If a guy is in a relationship then obviously he isn’t afraid of commitment and he knows how to cater to a female—it’s like shopping for a house when furniture’s already in place, it’s much easier.

Thanks for reading Is It Right To Take Another Girl’s Man… Pt.2

Far From BasYc

Two people can be in love and not belong together. If you’ve lived and loved you’ve learned this harsh truth. If you still buy into the Hollywood movie version of love where it conquers all, then brace yourself because you’re in for a rude awakening sooner or later. You can’t control how compatible a person remains or if they change over time, but you can ensure that you aren’t the catalyst that pushes someone away by taking self-inventory of the things you may be doing wrong. Are you good at dating? Are you good at communicating? Are you truly a good girlfriend, or is it just hype and ego? “I know I have issues, but I’m loyal” doesn’t cut it. “I need to work on my attitude, but…” sounds like an excuse to point fingers. “Love me, flaws and all” is hypocritical. You can’t rage against toxic behavior in one breath, then turn around and demand that a person embraces all the insecurities you refuse to work on just because it sounds romantic. If all of your relationships keep falling apart, it’s not bad luck, it’s time to explore if you’re as amazing as you say or guilty of ignoring your own massive faults.

You will meet quality men and you will meet men who don’t measure up. We focus so much on what to do in order to protect against trash ass men, but rarely talk about how to let down your guard and open up to the good men you come across. You say you know how to date, you want to be in a loving relationship, but you end up treating the good men worst than you treat the manipulators because you’re so used to being in a shell. This is honesty hour, if you blindly date, ignorant to your problems or unwilling to fix them, you will fuck up a good thing. You will chase away guys who you’ve prayed for. You will dismiss someone who really likes you. You will act so basic or so jealous due to your past trauma that you push Mr. Right into the arms of another woman. I write a lot about the bullshit that a lot of males do. Today I’m going to address the other side.

There are far too many women who constantly ruin their chance at happiness because they date with a chip on their shoulder, rush into relationships with fresh wounds, and overthink everything a man does for fear he’s out to hurt her. Not every man has a toxic agenda, not every male action you don’t understand is meant to be scrutinized to the point of paranoia, and sometimes a misunderstanding is just that, not proof that you should fall back. You want to be in control so bad because you’re scared of being played or abandoned. That fear doesn’t protect you from users, the irony is that your closed off persona scares off decent men and pulls in the ones you’re running from.

Manipulative men love to chase defensive and damaged women because they see through the front as a want to be loved. The quality men you want aren’t going to put up with your energy because they can tell from the moment you start talking you have trust issues, you make assumptions, and you haven’t dealt with your baggage. They run the other way, not because they aren’t “man enough” but because you come off with the emotional maturity of a 19-year-old. A trait of being a mature minded male is knowing how to avoid those women who aren’t on the same page. It’s time to stop pointing the finger and open your mind to the possibility that you’re still alone or struggling in your relationship because you don’t know yourself enough to fix what’s broken.

Stop Overthinking Him

You’re not crazy, you’re not dramatic, you have a “gut feeling,” and you know something about this new guy doesn’t feel right, so the first moment he does something you don’t like, you fall back. Earth to Basica—your gut instincts are so poorly calibrated from years of hyper-paranoia that you’re ruining a good thing! He doesn’t text you back as fast as he did before your last date—I’m going to block him! He’s having a busy week and doesn’t know if he can still see you as planned—This is why I don’t open my heart to boys! He liked a girl’s picture on IG, and you think she’s prettier than you are—See, all I attract are fuckboys! Calm your ass down and stop being so extra. All this big talk women do about working on self and having a positive mindset, yet the moment they start dating, all that work goes out the window, and they are back to having anxiety and anger issues. Why are you so weak mentally? Why are you so ready to scream fire before you even smell smoke?

A man who is up to no good will show you via real actions that he’s up to no good. This website is filled with examples of how to figure out the real from the fake. What you’re doing isn’t vetting, it’s taking something small like a missed call, a weird text response, or something he did on social media and using it as an excuse to raise your guard back up and move on to the next man… only to do the same exact thing. You’re a coward who wants to swim in the ocean but sees something floating and runs back to the safety of the shore. You must stop living your life in neutral. The more you tell yourself “he’s going to hurt me, men are all the same, why bother” the more you attract situations that mirror those negative thoughts!

I have a friend who cut a guy off because he canceled their date so he could attend his friend’s birthday party. His story was that he forgot about the party when planning their date. Her reaction was “well fuck you then.” I know the real reason behind it was because she didn’t really want to be dating, she was still into another guy who didn’t want a relationship. This is the work you must do. Understand where this “quick to cut him off” attitude is really coming from. Is it because you aren’t into him anyway, is it that you’re too into him, or is it some other trauma you aren’t dealing with? To keep pushing men away because they don’t react the way you want is idiotic. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt at least once.

If you tell him you want to see a movie and he texts back, “It’s whatever,” don’t take that to mean he doesn’t care and shut down, have a conversation about where he’s coming from. If he says something came up, don’t take that to mean he’s off seeing another girl or would rather spend time with friends. If he’s not posting you or talking about you on social media, don’t take it to mean he’s hiding something. Get to know how a person moves before you rush to judgment. You’re punishing a man based on a paragraph, not the entire page. If he flakes on you more than once, that’s proof that he’s full of shit. If he acts like going on dates is annoying to him more than once, that’s proof that he’s lazy. If he’s consistently doing anything that raises your yellow or red flag, then that’s proof that you should cut him off. When you act passive, block him, or start an argument based off ONE thing or come at his neck over something immature or basic like social media or who should text who first, you tell that man you’re far from the Game Changer he needs; you’re just a hurt little girl who still needs to work on her insecurities.

Trying To Turn A Boy Into A King

Women date down more than men. The average guy will put his dick in just about anything because their standards aren’t as high as they pretend when barbershop bragging. Women start with high standards in their heads from the time they’re in middle school. Height, money, overall looks, education, humor… a full sheet of qualifications. Reality hits, and more often than not, what she pictured herself with when she was a senior in high school isn’t what she ends up with by the time she’s 30. My friend in Atlanta once told me, “I’m fucking so many chicks who would have never gave me ass in school.” His story is normal for many of you who are now in what I call “The Settling Stage.” What’s the most important thing to look for when choosing a life partner—ambition, success, finances. During the settling stage, some of you enter relationships with men who aren’t your type, then try to circle back and fix them into the kind of man you can brag about. You can’t make a 5 “9 man into 6 “3 but you can try to take a 40k a year man into a 100k a year man, or so you think…

Let’s say you dated a guy who didn’t make much money but had ambition and a potential to do more because you had those deep talks in his car before he tried to finger you. Fast forward a year he’s your boyfriend, and you live together. He still makes the same money, he still talks about the same ideas, but he hasn’t really made a move. You’re not a gold digger, you’re not shallow, you’re not looking to take from him, you just want a partner who can boss up and succeed. From there you set out to make him over like you’re Cher from Clueless. You push him to take a job you think he should have or go to his boss with an ultimatum like you would if in his position. You get on him about sleeping in too late and not working on his side hustle or business plan. You comment on the things he buys, the number of times he eats out, or the money he splurges on his hobbies. You’re coming from a good place. You’re trying to be the Michelle to his Barack… but you forget one thing—this motherfucker ain’t Obama, he’s not even Ted Cruz. Your boyfriend has no hustle, no real ambition, and no matter what big shit he talks, he’s content with his mediocre existence. Argument after argument you get on him, and he comes after you, and then you make up, only to do this dance again the next time you realize you’re with a below average man.

Women invest in the potential of a man to a fault. This willingness to support him until he gets on his feet is a weakness most of you don’t deal with because you don’t see anything wrong with it until you find yourself feeling used and unappreciated. You agree to be the girlfriend of a man who has big dreams and even bigger debt. You make the excuse that your dating pool is filled with Struggle Dick and declare what’s yours is his because that’s what love is. His lack of ambition weighs on you over time, and in the end you realize that there was nothing you can do to fix his life, that there is no such things as King Building. “I just want a good man who loves me,” okay, Basica, but you can’t BUY LOVE or mother a man into becoming a winner. Stop being so guilt-ridden that you take on these fix-a-dick projects. If you want a man that makes a certain amount, get that. If you want a man who has his life goals in order, get that. Believe in your ability to attract bigger and better.

Neglect

Good relationships don’t just happen, they take time and patience. No matter how much they want to be with you, and you want to be with them, there comes a time when you get used to a person and take them for granted. Love isn’t daily butterflies, once you’re deep into a relationship love becomes that silent engine that needs constant tune-ups. No one says this, there isn’t a check engine light for relationships, and over time effort and attention begins to fade. There’s no greater realization that it’s no longer working or worth working on than that lonely feeling of being neglected.

A lot of you are in the deep dating stage or are in relationships where you make the crucial mistake of neglecting your men. Men court women, many pamper, spoil, and shower attention especially in the early stage. As women, you can lose track that love, and affection is a two-way street. You tell him “I love you” and give him pussy when he goes for it, so you think he’s satisfied, but let’s not forget that men are still little boys at heart, they CRAVE love and attention. You’re on your phone and he’s on your phone more often then you’re in each other’s face have discussions. You’re binge watching TV, he’s playing video games. Why are you even together if you don’t actually spend time together? You tell your timeline things quicker than you tell your man because you want social media attention. You tell your girlfriends your problem quicker than you tell your man because you know he’s going to see the situation differently than those who kiss your ass. No one teaches you how to be a good girlfriend during the “boring” times you have to learn on the job. Put the phone down, shut the laptop, take a day off work, and show him some attention, and stop thinking romance is a one way street.

How often are you having sex? Sex in relationships is a huge source of frustration that no one talks about. You go from all the lust and marathon sessions of the honeymoon stage to barely having sex or having the same kind of sex every time out. EVERY male that emails me brings up the lack of sex with his girlfriend or wife as a reason that he’s having doubt. One of my good friends told me how for the first time in his life he has a girlfriend that compliments his sex game, that goes for sex without him trying, and who texts him freaky things first. Juxtapose that with his last girlfriend who he had to initiate sex with, who called him “nasty” anytime he tried to sext, and who was quiet as a mouse pissing on cotton in the bedroom. He loved her but the sex, even though it was consistent, didn’t make him feel appreciated. My advice to men is to light a fire, be more romantic, try something different in the bedroom, and I shit you not—most of them write back saying they have, but it doesn’t make the women switch it up going forward. She just goes back to being boring.

Maybe it’s your boyfriend, he’s not as attractive as he once was, maybe you have kids now, or maybe other relationship issues make you not want to give him the kind of nasty sex you used to have. Regardless, this is something you must be on top of and communicate sooner than later because a man who isn’t satisfied isn’t waiting for your reasoning, he’s going to be waiting for someone who can scratch his itch in ways you don’t.

The other form of neglect is spending time. You’re both boring, you both work, you get out when you can and eat in front of each other—wooo so fun. I push for men to be creative on dates, but the same applies to women. He’s your man, you can plan a bomb date, you can buy tickets to something fun, you can get off your phone and just talk, you can come up with a couple’s hobby. To sit around and let your relationship crumble because you feel that a man should do all the work is a quick way to find yourself single, cheated on, or in an unhealthy relationship where you both secretly hate each other but pretend it’s all good. If your boyfriend or husband is acting differently it isn’t always because he’s out there looking for new pussy or trying to do something sneaky, it could be the realization that he’s in a thankless relationship. Men don’t stay in uncomfortable situations long, he will find a way out before he even talks about what’s bothering him. Stop ignoring and ask yourself how much energy you’re putting into your relationship.

Limited Value

You’re in the dating stage and you’re treating him like a boyfriend. You’re in the early parts of a relationship and you’re assuming everything he does is in response to you. Where’s your chill? Women have a nasty habit of moving too fast emotionally before anything’s been established. He’s telling you good morning every night. He’s fucking you like he’s trying to make his dick touch your spine. He’s inviting over to his place, telling friendsabout you, and the list goes on. “GL, he’s treating me like I’m a Game Changer that means I am one.” Nah, he’s treating you like a man treats any woman he’s infatuated with during that first 1-3 months honeymoon phase. You’re not stupid, you’re just delusional.

Your place in a man’s life is as “girlfriend potential” or “just pussy” but you assume you’re “wifey” because you are overselling the role you play in his life. Pump your breaks. Take it slow. Stop dishing out pussy so fast. Stop assuming that you’re on his mind 24-7. Stop worrying about what happens next. Get to know him, earn a place in his world as he should earn one in yours, and grow into that role organically. There are so many strong women who lay back and make men prove themselves through actions, and here you are crying and overthinking every thing he does because you’re desperate for love. Stop making the rest of the culture look bad by trying to force yourself on a guy who sees you as “just okay”.

One of One

Things Dick Whipped Women Don’t Want To Hear: Just let him go, you’ll find someone better. You know he’s just going to mess up again. He’s not even worth all of this stress.

Many of you are currently trying to hit reset with someone who keeps fucking you over. This is is the result of feeling that there is no other man that can compare to him. He looks good, has an amazing dick game, has things going for himself career wise, and in your city that’s hard to come by. He’s a One of One, so regardless of what’s causing the rift or drama in your relationship you hold on because the dating pool outside of him is trash. Guess what? He’s trash too! I’ve gotten so many “how do I win him back emails” where the man’s faults are so blatant, yet because that woman is convinced no other man in the city compares she plays herself time and time again. I don’t give a fuck what city you live in, how much money he has, or if his dick is dipped in Infinity Gems, the moment you show a man that’s he’s irreplaceable he will treat you like a groupie.

I know a famous athlete who ran through so many of these IG girls people gush over. None of those women were ever more than good time girls. Then he ended up settling with a school teacher who he randomly met. He told me, “I’ve never met a woman who made me chase her like she made me chase her.” The difference between being a Spartan and being a Typical ass Basica is that Spartans always challenge men like they’re replaceable, they aren’t trying to hold on or grading him on a curve. You all don’t stand up to these men, because you need them way more then you think they need you. Sure, you curse him out when he hurts you or get in your feelings when he ignores you, but that’s teenager shit. How do you challenge him on a daily basis? What are you showing him that separates you from the pack? The moment you meet a man, no matter who he is, treat him like he’s as normal as the rest of them. Talk to him like he’s a guy at work, make him fit into your schedule, and if he does try to play games or becomes inconsistent check him like a grown ass woman. Men love powerful females. So stop worrying about “but what if I lose him” and Spartan the fuck up!

You Don’t Think You Deserve To Win

What happens when they find out about your past, your family, your relationships, the down years, the anxiety, the depression, and all the messy parts that you try hard to cover up during those first few months of dating? Will they run, will they play along just to be nice, will they treat you the way you’ve always been treatedl? The ultimate dating mistake is underselling who you are and what you can attract. The ultimate relationship mistake is believing that despite being showed love, you hold on to this idea that it’s too good to be true and self-sabotage.

Do you know what a healthy relationship feels like? No, but you know the struggle to the point where you enjoy it. People argue people disappoint, people leave, and you try to hold it together as they pop in and out of your life. That’s not the life you deserve nor is it the way things have to be. I get it, you don’t want to try, you don’t want to put yourself out there. You take what comes your way and try to be the best “friend” you can be to a man hoping he wants more.  Sometimes he just fucks you and ghosts, other times he hangs around and toys with your emotions. Neither is ideal, but at it’s better than feeling lonely and unwanted.

Every so often you may meet a man who is everything you hoped for, genuine, transparent, and a positive force. The problem with those men is that they don’t need you like the users needed you. They don’t ask for favors, they don’t run hot and cold, they’re chill as fuck, and that makes you even more nervous because you can’t figure out their agenda. You won’t admit this, but you like the arguments, you like breaking up to make up, you like the stalking, you like coming to their rescue, and you love forgiving men for treating you like shit because that’s what you know love to be—a series of lows and highs. A man with no drama is too soft, too boring, too happy… and you’ve learned that happiness doesn’t last when it comes to you. Push him away, show him how crazy you are, how broken you’ve become, and save him from wasting his time so you don’t get swept up in some fairy tale that will only break your heart. You keep choosing the same types because they’re comfort food for your ratchet soul. You want the drama and the tears, you need the struggle and inconsistency, you’re numb to healthy emotions, and addicted to the painful chase of male validation.

Happiness begins with you. If you can’t love yourself enough to want the best out of life, then how can anyone else hope to fill that void? Maybe you don’t know where to start. Your mother let your father get away with murder, or maybe she’s still chasing after men to this day, and that’s the only blueprint you have in terms of a female role model. Your mom didn’t teach you there was more to life than male attention, but I’m telling you right now, you are more than an object! Look beyond the frustration, push past the negative thoughts and get to know who you Truly are. You have a Spartan Force inside you that will always guide you back to where you need to be if you dare to embrace it. Men aren’t the prize, you don’t have to strive to be likable, or put up with what’s given to you. When you constantly put others first, all you teach them is that you come last. This is your world! The bar doesn’t exist until you set it. The past only weighs you down if you allow it. The fear that holds you back is make-believe. Be selfish, be greedy, be free, and know that all it takes to change your results is to change your mindset.

Thanks for reading Dating & Relationship Mistakes You Make Without Knowing